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Good and bad...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Ihatemyselfalot, Oct 14, 2010.

  1. Ihatemyselfalot

    Ihatemyselfalot Banned Member

    I kinda have social anxiety.
    I don't like being in social situations, they make me uncomfortable and awkward so I just tend to avoid them.
    Plus I'm not a big fan of people. With my past history with people you wouldn't like people either, I have been used, cheated on, betrayed in numerous ways and I have been a figure of fun and ridicule countless times, so I just see other people as bad and don't have anything to do with them.
    But I don't think its anything bad because I have been that way my entire life and I have learned to like and appreciate my solitariness I consider it liberation and it gives me more focus on the stuff I want
    And I have acquaintances, people who I know and respect and can make small talk with for a bit, but I don't really want to be 'friends' with.
    I'm a dedicated Thai boxer and I'm a future military man and I'm either going to use the money to get the education I need to become a pilot in the air force or go into the special forces either way I will live the way I want and I just focus on what I do, I never just sit and do nothing, I'm always out doing something and trying to improve on something and I shut myself off from anything different.
    I'm just a cold block of steel, and I don't have any emotions or personality, I say less than 50 words a day and keep myself to myself and when I'm doing something with other people it isn't for fun its to get the job done because I like efficiency.
    Most people would view that as a sad life, and although I kinda agree I see the alternative as sadder because it involves things that I hate.... people...
    So I just keep doing my thing, one day I will kick the bucket and this whole thing will be over and.... meh who cares right?

    Although I don't want to be around people, I do get very sexually frustrated, I have looked into ways to get rid of my sex drive with stuff medications and even herbal remedies and therapies or meditations I have looked into it all and it looks like all I can do to get rid of my sex drive is either find a willing partner and have regular sex or castrate myself which is nothing I will be doing any time soon.
    I have also thought about prostitution, but it seems like a bad idea there is something about paying for sex that I don't feel right about and I don't think I ever will, if people don't mind paying for sex then I'm not against it, its just not for me.
    And I would really like a girlfriend, I feel like I have a lot to give and that I could be a good boyfriend, the only major downside is that I'm boring and that with the way I live I would never even expect a girl to like me.
    This isn't something that depresses me by the way I know and fully accept this, its just that I get kinda frustrated and a bit heartbroken knowing that I will probably never get a proper relationship.

    So that's what frustrates me...

    I love being alone and being a boring goal driven loner, but I miss sex (I haven't gotten laid in 14 months) and I will probably never know love.

    So yeah kinda sucks... :awww: