Good bye

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ryanglander, Apr 14, 2009.

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  1. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    I would like to formally thank everyone whom has given me support here on suicide forum, as well as the administrators, and managers for hosting and creating this site.

    It has made my last days here more bearable as all I needed was someone to talk to. But its over now, and I hope you will all pray for me regardless of your religion, and ask God to have mercy on my soul.

    I may loggin, but by the end of the week I will be on the other side. I am afraid to give to much information for fear someone could find where I am at and contact the authorities (they wouldn't be able to stop me anyway).

    I may replay to this once, twice or not at all, I will replay every 24 hours, and when there is no replay within that time, you will know I am no longer here.

    When I reach the other side I hope to be able to help others, and especially people here whom I have never met in person and you know there are angels looking out for you.

    God have mercy on my soul.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I hope you're still willing to talk. What's wrong, what's driven you to this point?
  3. corang

    corang Well-Known Member

    I'd hate to see you go :( please talk to us.
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry to see you are at this point ryan. Can you honestly say you have exhausted all other options? I am sure some still exist you haven't considered. While suicide is always an option we have, it should be the last option available to us. If you think about it, we never really run out of options. One small thing you may consider igsignificant can make all the difference. Don't stop searching for the small things. You are in a bad place right now and that is the worst time to make life altering decisions because you can see only one way out where many exist. Our view becomes very narrow. Wait until you are in a better place emotionally. then maybe you can think with a clear unbiased mind. Stay with us Ryan. :hug:
  5. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ryan, please don't go honey.

    i am so sorry for how horribly low and desperate you are feeling . . . i am here if you want to talk . . . pm me, i will respond. i am good for a listen, anytime.

    there is so much of value, to keep going. trust me, things can seem like they are unbearable, and in a few hours, the next day, they can turn around and can become all you've ever wanted

    as long as we are alive - there is ALWAYS hope.

    lean on us hon. . .there are many here to talk to. , . . we all understand, and we care about you. don't go sweetie. . .:console:
  6. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    I appreciate your responses and sympathy. But I beg you, please pray for my soul in purgatory, and for my family that they will be ok. Please. There will be a point very soon where I cannot respond on here anymore and I hope you will all be better then I have, I failed, I wasn't strong enough.

    I'm sorry :sad:
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    You don't have to apologize. It's not your fault. But you havent' failed. You're still here, and so you still have a chance. PLEASE talk to us, tell us what's going on.
  8. asri

    asri Well-Known Member

    hey hun,

    hope u find the courage to believe in urself and live life taking it a day at a time for now!

  9. darkrider

    darkrider Well-Known Member

    Why do you feel this way? Is it the depression, emptyness?
  10. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    I'm sad to say this will be my last reply, as you read this I will already be dead. Good bye, I have so much anger against my family, but I still love them.
  11. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    What's wrong ry please talk to me I'm in the same boat.
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    What happened to make you so angry? Please keep talking; it doesnt' have to end this way.
  13. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    I failed. This morning I used my method t okill myself, howver when I started to lose conciousness I had terror inside like I have never experienced in my life, this terror was so great, I think it was something supernatural. Anyway I stopped the suicide machine and I am unharmed, however will feel drugged for the next few days (the drugs were an attempt to calm me down so I don
    t back-down from this suicide, but unfortunatlry the drugs didn;t work.

    I guess these means two of one things: 1 I'm to afraid to die, or there's something else on earth here for me.

    Now that U know its works the next time I have a really bad day or week I could just kill myself easily. Aren't I now have twice the chances of committing suicide then anyone else? I feel like thats a bad thing, and that terror (was that the devil) that I felt as my legs went dumb and by brain slowed down, it was indescribable.

    Don't kill yourself, there is an afterlife, you must do your best here!
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I'm glad you're still alive. I think the terror you felt was because there's something else on earth for you, and now you get the chance to find it.

    Hope the drugs don't make you feel too bad; and remember we're always here if you need anything.
  15. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Glad you're still here. Sorry I wasn't around. Now the next step is dismantling the machine and getting some help.
  16. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    It's not a machine I just call it that to be vague. I'm actually sitting in the room with it. And I'm really upset because i NEED to tell someone in REAL-LIFE that im suicidal. But I only tell my doctor. And my counsin MAY be looking at my medical files and I have good reason to beleive she MAY be looking at my files.

    I want to tell the doctor, but won't if my cousin can see my file, because if she sees my whole family will and then i will DEFINATLEY KILL MYSELF.

    My mom doesn't want me to tell the doctor that I beleive my cousin (this head nurse) is looking at my files. This is because that entire side of the family would be nasty to my mom if they found out thatI accussed (and with good reason) her. My mom doesn't know I'm suiicdal, she just thinks I'm embarassed about some anto-anxiety drugs I'm taking.

    If I don't get to talk to someone soon, I won't be here long. Mabye an hour, week, a month, can't go longer then a year if I can't get help from a doctor....

    My mom said she will change me to another doctor, but I thought of killing myself tonight and writting a note blaming my cousin as the reason I cannot seek help. (my cousin has been a really nasty person too, also shes a phony sometimes, but never sincerely nice)

    10 seconds later, and I would have become dead...
  17. Hendrix

    Hendrix New Member

    I know that feeling of terror, I have no idea what it is but I felt it the first time I attempted, just as paramedics had me barely living. It really is something only imaginable by someone who has felt it, and to be honest, I'm scared as hell to ever feel that horrible feeling again..I'm new here, but like everyone else has already said, I'm ready and willing to listen to whatever you need to talk about. Just PM me if you need to.
  18. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    Right now I have access to this machine, however I really unhappy and feel like I want to die. Yet I will not use the machine, not because of pain, not because it won't work, but because it will work!

    Am I suicidal? I'm so confused, I want to die, but once I started getting dizzy and losing consciosness I just wrip of the gas mask. Call me crazy but this terrible feeling goes over me, mixed with terror and I think its the devil...
  19. Make your peace with Jesus man. You shouldnt do this but if you are then make sure your right with Jesus before you do. I'm not by any means condoning what your doin though, i just dont want to see someone enter eternity without Jesus...cause you dont go to heaven if your not saved and forgiven by him. dont do it though, Find some strength in the Lord to go on. He doesnt want this for you. He doesnt want it for anyone.
  20. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    there is no god so you can throw that crap out the window
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