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Good evening all, I'm cold and lonely

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by zRichi, Jun 6, 2008.

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  1. zRichi

    zRichi Member

    Good evening,welcome to my life story,

    I think I'm pretty much done.

    My life has prematurely ended and I feel that I've lived my life as I should have.That I simply believe my life has come to it's natural end and whos to say it's not right to not want to live the rest of my live out which just seems like borrowed time.

    I'm 21..I've dealt with depression since the age of 14 and attempted suicide twice. I've been diagnosed with bi-polar so i swing from happy to suicidal in the space of about 20 seconds. A real set of depression started to set in again just recently so I told all my family and friends i was taking a teaching position in another country for six months as it drove my family apart the first time.

    My current job is going terribly and my life basically consists of not wanting to open my bank balance each month, playing too many video games and working. All my friends I have outcasted by telling them my "teaching in china" bullshit. I earn good money but because of the ridiculousness that is renting in England I can barely ever afford to do anything. I remember a time that money was a pleasure and not a neccessity. I remember a time where all we used to do was play but in recent years I have very few memories I would wish to keep

    I used to alleviate the stress by getting seriously wasted on either drugs or alcohol but now there seems little point as I won't have any friends to do it with. The irony of it was I told me friends and family I was going to china for six months so I'd steer clear of cocaine/alcohol(as I previously had a cocaine addiction at 17) and focus on making myself happier and getting my course work for my open university degree done. I'm quite good looking I guess but I only ever seem to fall for women that pretty much just use me for sex whilst any lasting relationship with someone that has a "good heart" I get bored with and eventually fuck up.
    I have serious thoughts of guilt about the amount of girls lives I have ruined by being a selfish dick.

    I know my life sounds petty - there are molestation/rape victims/serious drug addicts on this site, so I again apologise - but my life has become such a monotonous dull routine that I am simply fed up of being here.

    On pay day (20th june...when my account breaks even) I'm going to take a flight to either France or Switzerland. Pack enough food to hike 14 days up the mountain and not enough to get back except a bottle of whiskey. If someone (obviously over the age of 20 whos in a frame of mind to make a sound decision and not some teenager thats bf has just broke up with them.)
    Wants to join me on this hike on a beautiful mountain, hopefully near a silver lake, to share a few good stories of the beautiful things that have happened to us in our lives and a lot of shots of whiskey whilst the sun sets it would be much appreciated. This is not some "whim" of mine - it has taken me years to get to this decision and if you or anyone does respond I hope you've taken the time to think of it too.
    I stress (and hope you appreciate - whilst your moral compass or religious belief may tell you it is wrong for me to kill myself, I'm simply saying respect my belief that it is my life to live or snuff out as I choose. Please refrain from any comments regarding god or religion - I would love to believe in god or some religion but frankly I'm lacking something

    In short, the life I've lived has been awesome but flawed, I have no regrets but nor do I want to carry it on. Things, simply put, will not get better for me.
    I've dealt with depression for 8 years this July, been through countless therapy sessions, psychiatrists, psychologists and my conclusion is that this life is not for me.
    I was made for simpler times. Heres to hoping in the next life I'm in a saxon army or the Spartan army. A man grown at the age of 13, nothing but glory, honour and a young death.

    If you would like to join me for a hike and a few drinks on the 20th June, atop some beautiful mountain please email me at story_book_love[at]hotmail.co.uk

  2. zRichi

    zRichi Member

    sheesh 5 views and no repiles to my suicide note?

    god my life sucks...
  3. I understand where you're coming from. I've been depressed ever since 9th grade, and it just keeps getting steadily worse as life throws every horrible thing at me.

    Your life doesn't suck. At least you were employed once. I feel like crapola right now, so excuse me if I sound...deranged...but I'd love to join you on that hike.

    I was going to kill myself tonight with pills...but that hike sounds epic. If I could get away from my parents long enough to get the plane ticket...and go...I'm totally there.

    What am I saying? There's no way I'd be able to get away, but you have my confidences.
  4. urekek

    urekek New Member

    actually im sort of in the same boat, almost 21, been pretty much sliding downwards further into this blackhole since age 15, without respite.
    the only difference really is that i actually did run away from my family and friends.....all the way to finland (i come from australia)where i now work as an au pair (a really bad one ) i would join you on the 20th but unfortunately ive already booked a train ticket to run away to russia on that exact date....so if you fancy vodka in st petersburg instead.....

    "They tell us that suicide is the greatest piece of cowardice... that suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in the world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person."
    Arthur Schopenhauer

    i agree whole heartedly that your life is yours to snuff out if you want. but may i suggest actually moving away from england and trying somewhere new first???
    death is fairly permanant and you might as well see some of the world first. my life "plan" at this moment is to just drift from country to country until i have some sort of epiphany or get too old for this au pair thing then kill myself in some vaguely interesting way.
  5. zRichi

    zRichi Member

    Hey Urekek
    Thanks for the reply. Yeah maybe your right. I can die of hypothermia anytime.

    I'm actually quite up for that. how important is speaking Russian over there though for employers? I've just sent you a pm if thats cool? I'm well up for russia. All I advise is that if your drifting from country to country don't bother coming to England, wales, scotland...if your after friendly people up for a laugh ireland is quite nice though.

    and fab gurl cheers for the reply...lol your from florida? I didn't realise there were any depressed ppl in florida! lol kidding *hugz*

    richi x
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I am speechless!I don't know what to say! You aren't alone, there are thousands of people fighting to hang on. The thing I keep asking myself is why? You are never going to have the things you wanted. My list was simple a good job, a loving wife, and children. well I had some of the things some of the time! I just kept picking the wrong girls. My therapist says I grew up and they hadn't. She says I liked the excitement of having a significant other, so I didn't pay attention to those little voices telling me she is not the one. hell the last one ripped me off for $18,000. We shared a bank account because we were engaged,we even bought a house to gether thats how serious we were. Then something snapped in her and she went Goth. The black hair, the black finger nail polish. and the black clothes. We are talking a woman in her middle fortys. I don't think it was a mid life crisis, she just didn't give a shit for me. The well had run dry so she couldn't get anything out of me so she started staying gone a couple of times a week. She started snorting cocaine again. Heaven knows she had the money to do it after she ripped me off.
    I can relate to your ideas but I have my own, I have had plenty of time to think it over. Good luck to you...:chopper:
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