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Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Johnny English, Mar 19, 2008.

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  1. I'm very new to this whole idea and haven't really taken much of a look around yet.

    However, here goes (takes a deep breath).

    My name actually is Johnny and I am English (hmmmm .... do I reveal too much?). I've spent 40 years on this earth and have had a pretty good time all things considered.

    I've spent much of my time lurching from one scrape to another and have generally emerged the other side while not smelling of roses, at least in one piece and still standing.

    But recently, things are piling up and I really can't see a way out of the other end.

    I'm a liar, a thief, a cheat, an adulterer and really an all round bad 'un.

    Forgive the light hearted style of this post, it's just my way of coping with me (and it's worked so far).

    I'm very deeply in debt and am hiding it from my wife. I've splurged most terribly on the credit cards, taken out a loan to pay 'em off, splurged again, taken out another loan, splurged again, etc. etc. Now this has all caught up with me and, although I'm taking advice on this and am trying to work out a plan to pay it all off, I really don't think this is going to work out as (next thing) I've just lost my job. I have little chance of finding another job that will pay as well so I have no idea how I will meet my commitments. My wife knows nothing of this and I really daren't tell her as (I'm sure) that would be the last straw for her and she'd leave me.

    She should leave me as I'm also a serial adulterer. I should mention that she's done absolutely nothing to deserve this other than to be a poor judge of character and agreeing to marry me. She's an excellent wife and looks after me wonderfully, she rarely tries to tie me down and seems happy with my company. We don't have children as neither of us really have the space in our lives for that.

    Even as I type, I'm looking forward to seeing a lovely young lady tomorrow. I've callously taken her into my life. She deserves far better than me, but I know she won't even look at another chap while I'm around. I wish she would to be honest because I don't have the fortitude to end it myself (and I do feel a lot for her) but I know she won't. She loves me deeply and is really putting her life on hold for me. She's young enough to move on, but I guess that's in the future. This would devastate my wife if she ever found out. But there have been many others and I guess there would be many more should I carry on living long enough.

    One of my problems is that I have absolutely no-one to talk to. I've spent all my life building up a 'strong' persona. I'm the one that people talk to about their problems, I'm the one with all the 'common dog' who can give people answers, I'm the one with all the advice (aren't other people's problems easy to solve?). All this means that I really can't discuss my problems without letting this facade slip, I daresay it will have to slip eventually, but I don't think I want to be around to experience that. I do hold a public position and the fall of my facade would damage the organisation that I represent so publicly. I hold this organisation very close to my heart and hope to minimise this damage.

    So there it is, the bare bones of me. I don't ask for sympathy, I'm the architect of my own doom and (if I'm honest) I've enjoyed every minute I've spent getting into this mess. I'm even enjoying digging myself in deeper even though I know the end is approaching. I found this forum while searching for practical advice on how to do the final deed and maybe my tale will help someone. I really don't know?
  2. carol2237

    carol2237 Guest

    welcome to SF hun, thanks for sharing your story :) I hope you will stick around for a while. Feel free to Pm me at any time :) *huggles*

  3. Thank you for the welcome young lady. I guess I'll be here for a while ..... who knows?
  4. carol2237

    carol2237 Guest

    That is good to hear :) It is always nice meeting new people, and who knows, you might make a new friend or two along the way just as i have :)

  5. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF! I know how hard it is to start opening up - but that's just it you have to start somewhere. Everyone here is lovely - I hope you find someone you can relate to! :smile:
  6. New friends are always good. I'm a member of a few forums that represent my interests and I've made many good friends on there (even met some of 'em)

    Trouble is, on my other forums, I can be of some help to other members and get some help myself.

    Having browsed a little (a very little I admit), I'm just getting more despondent reading the terrible way other people are feeling.

    I realise my troubles will mean very little to most and will be even trivial to some (in comparison to what they're going through), but it doesn't make 'em feel any smaller to me.

    I'm sure you've heard all this before and I'd hate to be a bore, but I'm not playing games on here. It all seems far too important to many members to be here for anyone to make light of it.

    What a gloomy place the world is right now.
  7. carol2237

    carol2237 Guest

    Your problems mean just as much as everyone elses while you are here. We are all equal, no matter our problems. I am sure you will be a great asset to this community both through your posts asking for help, and your helping of others :)

  8. You're a sweet lady and I thank you for the warm welcome. :smile:
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. I hope you are able to find the support you are looking for here. Take care.
  10. To be honest, I'm not sure I'm looking for support?

    I think things might have gone to far for that, I was actually looking for methods when I stumbled across this.

    I thank you for the thought anyway.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum :welcome:
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum :welcome:
  13. Well, ain't this amazing? I'd completely forgotten about this little corner of the internet and my brief brush with it.

    I'm nearly 4 and a half years down the line from my post above and it's incredible how things have changed and yet, not. So here's something of an update:

    I kept on seeing the young lady I mentioned above and eventually left my wife - it sounds callous (and probably is) but I really didn't want to be with her anymore. Given hindsight, I could probably have muddled on for years but I don't regret making the break as we were neither of us really content. I first moved in with the aforementioned young lady and eventually we got our own rented house in a nice little market town.

    When I divorced my wife, we sold the house and the proceed cleared a lot of the debt. I'd managed to find a reasonable job and set up a Debt Management Plan to deal with the rest. I'd probably have been paying it until the end of my days, but at least it all became manageable.

    Anyhow, Becky and I decided to get married and try to have a kiddy. We married in September last year but, unfortunately, the child never came along. I've no idea why but the problem is likely to lie with me as she had been pregnant a couple of times before some years ago. I was on the point of getting some help on this one, but it's pretty irrelevant now.

    So what brings me back here? I've had the happiest four years of my life with Becky. She's a beautiful girl who is really good company, we seem to have spent so much time laughing together. So much so that I never troubled to make friends where I live, Becky was everything I needed.

    But, a week last Tuesday, Becky dropped a real bombshell on me. For all sorts of reasons (all of which I can understand) she no longer loves me and wants us to split up. since that day, I've tried absolutely everything to keep her. I've offered her the world in terms of what I'd change about my life and possible ways to get us back on track but she's gone so cold and wants nothing of it. When we occupy the same room, I can feel the Siberian blast.

    The trouble is, I've made Becky my life. My heart isn't so much broken as ripped out and fed through the office shredder, I do have good friends who are all trying to tell me that time is a great healer, etc, etc. But they don't really get it.

    It's crazy. I used to enjoy having the place to myself now and again. Becky's been out with her sister for the day and just sent me a text telling me that she's going to go for a few drinks with her and then stay over. This place feels so empty.

    So, this all brings me back to the conclusion that I have no wish to carry on living. I have put all my affairs in order (or at least as in order as they can be) and have left detailed intructions for Becky to make the best of what I'm leaving behind.

    I have laid detailed plans for tomorrow.

    I will be able to secrete myself away in an office that no-one will go anywhere near until Monday - it will be locked and it will have a clear notice on the door instructing that no-one should try to enter but just to call the Police for them to gain entry. They will have to find the caretaker to get a key so there's little or no chance that any innocent person will find my body.

    I'll buy myself <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> on the way. I have a big bag of <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> for me. But I'm aware that is in no way a certain death, so I also have <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> (even in Great Britain it's possible). Should I fail ,<Mod Edit - Acy - methods>., I have a brand new <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> diagrams of the relevant <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>. I'll take my book with me that I'm half way through (and may even read to the end). In the words of the song 'and I can take all evening if I please.'

    So you see, I'm quite calm and although I couldn't say I'm looking forward to tomorrow in any way, at least I'll give myself some peace.

    As I said in my first post, I've thoroughly enjoyed life to the best of my ability (and sometimes way beyond it). I believe that I've done some good as I've passed along (there would be thousands of people around who would recognise my name and remember me with some fondness). The way I've lived has brought me to this point and, although I regret the mistakes that have caused this situation with Becky, generally it's been one helluva ride.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2012
  14. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I know how much this must be hurting you. I felt my heart was ripped out when my husband of nearly 16 years wanted a divorce. I'd been through hell and back with him, staying despite problems that he caused. It hurts and it's excruciating emotional pain. But I'm years past that now, and I know that that people can and do survive such painful situations.

    It sounds as though you and Becky are living in the same home together still. That is something I can recommend you change as soon as you can. Seeing her, being in the space where you both lived, wondering when she'll be home/what she's doing when she's not at home are all things that make you dwell on what you had, and it sounds like you're blaming yourself. Please don't blame yourself.

    Really, perhaps Becky is freeing you up because you deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love them.

    Is it easy times to move on? Not at first. Especially if we sort of put ourselves, our own interests and making our friends on hold for the other person. But again, this is a chance to do what you want and need, not to die, but to really LIVE for yourself.

    Please hold on to the idea that tomorrow it will get a smidgeon easier and more the day after that and...Please, give yourself a chance to heal before you decide that the whole world is gone wrong for you. I think it took courage for you to come here today, and it also suggests to me that you really don't want to give up. I hope you, don't, Johnny English! I hope you stay safe.

    PS: I've edited your post because of the explicit and numerous methods you described. You've been away for a while and perhaps you have forgotten that no methods talk is allowed here.
  15. My apologies for breaking the rule.

    And I appreciate your time. My reason for writing all that was perhaps to get my thoughts in order and even to leave a story that might help someone else.

    I'm afraid I'm beyond help now.
  16. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    You have no other warnings or broken rules, don't sweat it.

    You are not beyond hope. I have hope for you. You are obviously smart and articulate, sensitive and caring, thoughtful and logical. Surely you don't want to let irrational thoughts run the game. Right now, the break up and all the feelings are fresh and raw. People need time to grieve losses...a few days doesn't do it. You're not going to feel better that soon. But we do begin to feel better. Honestly. I didn't think I'd ever stop crying. I cried without sobbing, tears just ran down my face for a few weeks, in public, at home, at the bus stop...It took a while but things did get better.

    What makes you feel you're beyond hope?
  17. These are not irrational thoughts, nor is it a spur of the moment decision.

    I've laid careful plans and I think I've minimised the 'collateral' damage I'll cause.

    You see, I simply don't want to live without her. I have nothing without her. I AM nothing without her.
  18. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    You are YOU without her. Has she been important to you - Yes. Have you dedicated your life to the relationship for a while - Yes. Does it mean life for you has to end because she's not there? - No. It feels like that, yes; but, you don't have to give in to those feelings. Feelings do not require action. They do settle down after a while whether we act on them or not. The feeling that you are nothing without her will fade. Especially a bit down the road when it's not all new and raw...when you've had a chance to re-assess the you that you gave up to be with her. You are your own person and always were, but your time went to her, being with her, her friends, her interests...Now you have a chance to explore your own needs (And I'm almost certain you're feeling like screaming at me - SHE is what I need! And that's not the needs I mean. I mean, the little things, the interests or likes/dislikes that got put aside because of her interests, likes/dislikes. The things you wanted to do but didn't do for the last 4 years because they weren't her things.

    Time to reclaim yourself, Mr. English. You do seem intelligent to me. I would really hate to see that intelligence used solely for offing yourself. Surely there are things you would still like to do or might regret not having a chance to try?

    Anything at all?
  19. Actually, our interests were pretty much similar (aside from taste in books and films), but all the important stuff we did together.

    And to be honest, no there isn't much left for me to achieve.

    I've never cared too much about work - as long as it brought enough money in to live, then that was always enough for me so there's no ambition there.

    I lead a couple of voluntary groups (hence my comment that there'd be plenty of people around here - and nationally - who would recognise my name) so I've done my bit for society (31 years with one group and 5 with the other). But they would have to go by the wayside anyway because I'd have to get so much more money in to live a decent life.

    My big ambition was to raise a child with Becky - but that's gone (and I'm not certain I'd have been much good at that anyway).

    So no, I can't see anything that I've left undone.
  20. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Having read your story Johnny, I would agree with Acy - that it is time to reclaim yourself, and find the Real You that is underneath all the mask and the hype - because there is another world in which you can discover these things, the really important things that we can't see with our senses (eyes, ears, touch etc.) - the inward parts that have yet to be awakened and that can be discovered with just a glimmer of a 'yes'..... in short, your spiritual journey that will help you make real sense of all that has gone before.

    You sound like a man who likes to be in control of everything, like a juggler having all the balls in the air at once, and now they've all come crashing down......... as things will, as people will......... but that doesn't mean there is no other future for you, other than suicide. This is offering itself to you as an opportunity to try something different that will tell you more about the big questions in life we all have. :)
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