Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen.

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Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
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#21
Perhaps work is not what fulfills you. It sounds as though volunteering does to some extent. 31 years and 5 years leading groups are long-term commitments to those groups/causes. I think you'd be missed more than you might think.

What about "you for you"? Have you ever wanted to take up a musical instrument, travel, learn another language? Or anything...that you just haven't gotten around to doing. This is the time to do it. The time to reflect on what else you might like to try. It won't "make up" for the break up, but it could fill some time and give you even a small sense of purpose as you work through your grief. What would be new and completely different for you - and therefore kind of interesting? Who knows, you might discover you have a talent or passion for something. :smile:

I understand about wanting to raise a child. Not having a child with the ex was one of the big regrets I had. I don't regret it now...It would have been so much harder to move on if there was a child involved and we'd had to be in touch with each other all the time for custody exchanges and shared parenting from two homes. And damned hard on the kid...In your case, down the road, you might not have a child with someone else, if "having a child" is something you'd like to do. (I realize it might be part of what you wanted with Becky, not in general.)

I just don't like to think that you would take steps to a permanent solution to the pain that will decrease if you give it time and nurture yourself. :hug:
 
#22
Y'know, that's what I immediately liked about this place when I first found it all that time ago.

You're nice people to spend this time on someone who has quite rudely thrust himself upon you.

And really, you're right that I have a need to master my own destiny, and the whole damned thing has crashed down around my ears.

But (and it's a big but), I had found my Xanadu. Up until rather less than two weeks ago, I was happy that my life was pretty much complete (excepting the child, but i was on the point of doing something about that). This is actually my third marriage so I've experienced the loss before (I truly mourned my first marriage while the second just petered out).

There just is nothing left. I have rather less than 24 hours now.

I may have left the house before Becky comes home, so I may never see her in the flesh again (I have lots of photos on my laptop to look at, but the most real ones are in my mind).
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Admin
SF Supporter
#23
How about this...Give yourself more time before you make that decision? See if a bit of time helps. You've been through loss before, so how did you get through the one you really mourned? It's somewhat different each time, but the process of grieving, of allowing ourselves to get through the initial shock, pain, fear of the future without the person, those are similar.

Could you give yourself even another day? Perhaps you could drop by this thread tomorrow or send me a private message and tell me how you're doing. Leave it for a week, or even for a day before you act. Maybe you won't want to by then. :hug:
 
#24
Thank you sweetie (I'm guessing your a lass?).

I did give myself more time - I had all this planned a week ago but a very good friend invited me round to spend the evening with them last Saturday and gave me some (as it turns out false) hope. That kept me going for another week. That, and the fact that I realised that my plan needed some refinement.

My window of opportunity is only so long and another week is running perilously close to the end of it. This weekend is ideal even down to the fact that the people who will feel it the most are all away together and will have each other for support.
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Admin
SF Supporter
#25
I am indeed a "lass," though more like "old hag" :lol:

Well, here's the thing, your plan could be put in effect any old time, and then done is DONE. Taking some more time to see if it gets better gives you a chance to have a longer and likely good life. Your plan stops everything cold. Immediately with no turning back. Could you agree to another day or two? (And I know I'm a pain, and that you're hurting already. *nods*) I just like to see people get through bad times, not give in to them.
 
#26
Not really.

You see, the timing is perfect. About half the people who would be around the place I've selected are away - next week, they'll be back. Most of the people who might miss me are away together, so they can support each other when the new inevitably hits them. The access to means will run out in a week or so.
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Admin
SF Supporter
#27
Such a shame that the world would lose you. The smarts, the insights, the things you know and can do (basing that on your volunteering) - you WOULD be missed.

Give yourself a few days. Two days, one day even. See how you're doing. Keep talking to us here and see if you feel any better. A week or two after a split is not enough time to settle our immediate reactions. You're logical...Is it best to let your initial, upset reactions take charge now? You will not feel the same despair later on. Even a day can make a difference (even when a few days already haven't yet made things better). You owe YOURSELF a chance to have a good long life.

I dunno, I hope this next isn't too blunt, but I kind of think that a woman who tells you she doesn't love you anymore but continues to text you with her fun outings...that's just mean and cruel. I think you deserve better and I think she isn't a good enough "reason" for you to off yourself. Please give yourself a day more? Give yourself at least that much more time.

Things will get better. I can promise they will. :hug:
 
#28
I dunno, I hope this next isn't too blunt, but I kind of think that a woman who tells you she doesn't love you anymore but continues to text you with her fun outings...that's just mean and cruel.

No, that was just so I knew where she is and didn't worry about her. She's many things, but gratuitously cruel isn't one of them.
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Admin
SF Supporter
#29
It's so disillusioning when someone becomes another's whole world and then that other person just decides it's time to walk away. Even if we "understand all the reasons." To me, it's coldblooded. As you said, the room is so cold you can feel the Siberian blast.

My ex was everything to me. In the time since we've been apart, I've grown more than I could have with him. Being so devoted to him, with no life of my own, I lost a sense of self. When I look back, I feel angry that he basically stole years of my life, where I didn't have a self, or friends, or family - because HE was my everything - and he wanted it that way until he suddenly didn't. When he let me go, I suddenly (and frighteningly) had to grow in order to keep going. You have done so much else in other parts of your life, I think it is sad that you wouldn't give growing and living for yourself a chance.

I hope you'll be here tomorrow and the day after that and after that and...

Give yourself the opportunity to heal and find out that YOU are worth it. Please stay safe.
 
#31
Well, today's the day and I have an overwhelming sense of unreality.

Becky came home much earlier than I expected this morning, but after an exchange of pleasantries, nothing has changed.

Once I leave the house, I'll have started the process as I'll have left the letter in her bed for her to find tonight.
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Admin
SF Supporter
#32
I'm sorry you are still feeling so down. I still suggest waiting to see if things pick up, because they will. Please be safe. :hug:
 

youRprecious!

Antiquities Friend
#33
Please give yourself this opportunity Johnny.......... Acy is right, you are smart and talented.........you have the stuff within you to turn this around and make it work for you and not destructively for you. No woman is worth taking your life for........
understandably, though, the thought of her not being in your future is doing this to you now......... but futures CAN be changed for the better, even though today you cannot believe this. Don't let your subjective colour the objective.....

I do know how impossible this may seem as a suggestion, having been in this hole, but having been rescued and healed from it, I also know that anyone can be. Just don't go through with this plan, as the first step. When Becky reads your letter she will be distraught and mortified...... then when she realises you didn't in fact do it, ..... i've a feeling she will be so relieved she does not have to bear the guilt of her part in it, that she will consider some form of negotiation to help you. That's just my feeling, as she is a sister female........ Please keep yourself safe from this plan Johnny as your first step out :)
 
#34
Hi, Becky here.

I am sad to say that John did take his own life on the 29th July 2012.

I have just got Johns belongings back from the police and had the courage to turn on the laptop what was taken. I have found this site going through his favourites (he must of saved it so one of us could read it).

Reading all your kind comments of support has brought tears I my eyes. It is still very raw for me because i am burying the ashes this Friday in the family plot by request of Johns mum.

I really don't want to go into details about what happened apart from I had no intention to hurt anyone, it isn't my nature. Everyone gets over a broken heart eventually and in time you start a new life. I have also been there and is one of the many reasons why i made the decision to end the marriage.
 
#36
I am sorry to hear John could not find relief from the pain. If you find you need support in dealing with your thoughts and feelings, please feel free to create your own account and use our site. My thoughts are with you Becky. :hug:
 
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