Good Knight

Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by disoriented, Sep 1, 2011.

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  1. disoriented

    disoriented Member

    Tried to write on poem to make the night disappear faster. There's a few things in it I would like to change but I'm far too tired (it's 06.30 in Sweden atm and I haven't slept) to do so now. Anyway I wanted to get this posted before I go to sleep, otherwise I would just delete it tomorrow (when I'm in my sane, non-melancholic mind).
    I know it's awful but you have to start somewhere right. It's my first real poem but don't be gentle with me, let me have it!


    Finally the morning sun looms
    but I am exhausted
    I have parried the gloom once more
    survived another night in the war
    but I nearly lost it

    Now the day is here, but I must rest
    the next battle draws near
    Soon the sun will release its hug
    I prepare for the coming tug
    when suddenly
    all light disappear

    Caught by surprise
    is how most heroes die
    He is holding a knife to my chest
    Finally I can rest
    Goodbye
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Thanks for sharing the poem. I enjoyed it!

    I hope you get a good night's sleep. :hug:
     
  3. pit

    pit Well-Known Member



    Awkward stanza. I can't picture the sun hugging anything. Otherwise it's good.
     
  4. disoriented

    disoriented Member

    Yeah I felt so aswell when writing it, the rhymes felt a bit forced and the metaphor aswell. I'm really happy with my first stanza though but the second one will be altered and also the third one I think, I didn't feel at got a really good rhytm in it.

    Thank you very much for your critique, i really appreciate it :)
     
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