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Good morning

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rkdmn, Apr 10, 2013.

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  1. Rkdmn

    Rkdmn Guest

    Hello, I have come here for what you'd expect someone to of. I am in my late twenties, my life from the outside...really doesn't seem to bad. Many people call me lucky...something which always angers me a little inside. My story is back in November I was somewhat depressed...I always have been a little, more than normal at least, but for the most part, fine. Then something silly...something most people would just laugh over, has sent me into months long depression with no end. As my backstory, I was always a poorly social person, I've always been a loner...I never had many friends as a kid, and I just never really interacted with anyone...I helped on the farm, and had relatively strict parents. My years in highschool, i spent essentially non stopped grounded. Sometimes for things I deserved, others for just stupid reasons. Eitherway, I entered the real world with terrible social experience, essentially none, in all aspects. As a young man, I entered the workforce, and moved away, my hours were lousy, the department I work has few people, much older. As time went on, everyone one of my few highschool friends moved away, Right now I stand with no physical friends, nor am I in contact with any I once knew. The closest thing I have would be co-workers I get along with but don't socialize outside of work. I always was a computer geek, I loved to work on them....all of these things combined have resulted in me being pretty much a recluse to my house...I don't really interact with anyone less it is for business purposes, aside my family.

    My social experience is limited....down to most of it being online, my life experiences are pretty much nil as well. This alone had me somewhat depressed...but I always tried to look at the positive aspect, and dealt with things. For the most part, I was content with my life, however that was possible. I do have some online friends, Mostly game based...I do socialize to the extent of on Skype, but that's it. Back in November as I mentioned, something ridiculous happened, something that should be a no brainer. I realized that I had feelings for a friend, I had always really liked them, but...it just came all at once. Kinda ahead over heals kinda thing...I know them pretty decent, I talk with them directly, and message with them at a pretty normal basis, though I don't even know what they look like. There is a problem though...as with how life normally works, if my life could manage to be anymore pathetic, the person I fell for was unobtainable...she is 17 years old. Before the questions even come up...no, I have said nothing, requested nothing, or anything....and have no intentions. This is a no brainer, from the start, I knew what I had to do...and that was walk away. Things just got complicated....I pretty much immediately went into a full blown mid life crises...except for all the things people usually worry about, are true to me... I haven't lived my live, it is pathetic, I am not where I should be...I am experiencing a pretty substantial male pattern baldness, even though I'm not even thirty. I've never been complimented for my looks, even when I was in great shape in my early 20's. I wasn't in to bad of shape those months ago, but I have been doing much worse since... I am feeling detached from my family, my parents and sibling. I have been so depressed over all of this, to the point it was making substantial changes to my life, how I acted...and all I got from them, was, essentially, I was being mean to my parents, not going to the farm and helping them enough when I was giving more of my free time than I should... Call it whatever you want, I can't go to them.... At the worst points, I did go to one online friend, but they kinda blew it off.

    I know this looks like a bunch of stupid simple stuff that shouldn't be causing me trouble. Just all of it combined has sent me spiraling into deep depression....and the biggest problem is, the only time I am happy anymore, is when I'm talking to that friend, playing a game with her...it's been five months, and I'm pretty much in the same spot I was in...I don't meet many people at my job, there's no place I can go to socialize with people that have anything in common with me whatsoever, and even if I could, my social skills are terrible....I'm in a mortgage, so I can't just leave, even then, the job economy is terrible...I'm trapped in this town I hate, with no one I have in common with, in a job where I have met no one in almost a decade, I have no friends to go to, and I just am too detached from my family to go on something like this....I was going to talk to my doctor about it, but during the depression I missed my third appointment in nine years, resulting in them refusing service to me...I haven't looked for a new primary care provider since. I used to be a Christian, but I lost my faith some time ago, and am now an atheist. There's nothing there for me to return to there, I'm set in my beliefs at this point... Some days are tolerable, some days not so much. Others can bring me down to my weakest point, I've spent many days at work just thinking of ways, how I could simply end it. How it would affect those around me, and how I could do it in a way that would impact them the least, down to some pretty complex ideas... At the same time, I feel hopeless, worthless, a failure, a sliver of hope on something that can't be, completely lost, and alone...

    I know there isn't some miracle phrase you can say to make it all better, and that I have the power to make a lot of this work...it's just I don't seem to have the strength, the only thing I see ahead is me nearing a complete mental breakdown.
  2. Ataraxia

    Ataraxia Member

    Hey, first thing I wanted to touch on is that no problem is ever too small or simple to where it’s not important. From what I read all your small problems together add up to a situation where you’re extremely socially deprived. Humans are naturally social creatures so I really feel for you and what you’re going through. A lot of people would fall to your point of despair if they were facing the same problem. So don't feel like this isn't something worth addressing.

    Also when you add into the mix you’re newly found feeling for someone that is unrequited; it only compounds your negative feelings. The good news is I think you truly have a good chance to change what you’re going through. In the online era more and more people are comfortable making friends through the internet. Start with that. Start slowly. Go on Facebook and join a group with your similar interests and start socializing there. Try to improve your conversation skills.

    Then slowly try to socialize with people in person even if you don’t share their interests. It will give you good practice and will improve your confidence. Try to force yourself to go out sometimes. It will be hard especially at the beginning but over time it will get easier. When your friend turns 18 maybe you can tell her how you feel about her. Don’t be too emotional or say too much. Just something along the lines of “I’m interested in you as more than a friend.”

    If it doesn’t work out with her try online dating. There are TONS of women on those sites. It’s a numbers game and if you stay it long enough you will find someone, I promise you. Also remember that this is LONG term advice. It may take 2 years for you to start feeling better. You just have to remember that things WILL get better. Keep your head up and keep trying. You have a real shot at being happy so please don’t give up hope.
  3. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    No problem is insignificant. Good choice of words.

    Things will have a better chance of improving if you are willing to put more effort in. From the sounds of it, you don't seem to want to put enough emphasis on living your life your way. It is, after all, what you choose and how you react to people/situations that occur.

    I think you need to find a way, from reading Ataraxia's post, to improve conversation skills. Also locating things you are interested in, where offline would be better to improve social interactions, that have potential for conversations with other people would not be a bad thing. The example I use, (and I can understand feeling like a loner or not having lots of friends), is that I took myself to pubs/bars that did karaoke (I like music, like trying to sing, so thought why not). It helped me find people with similar interests, that I was able to then converse with (even just about the song they chose to sing), and it built up a little bit of self-confidence.

    This is only an example, and it is possible to improve, but the initial change has to come from you.
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