The good news after endless months of struggling and trying to come to terms with job loss,divorce and health problems ( all at the same time ) is that I know now that I have lost the fight to ever get out of this misery. The uncertainty and all the false hopes: that's gone. Reality and certainty have set in. I would have probably managed to deal with up to 2 of these issues,but all 3 of them happening at the same time and the fact that I have been under constant negative stress for the last 3 years ( that's how long I have fought the good fight before having to accept defeat now ), all of this has shown me at least that I don't need to have illusions anymore. When I posted a while ago here I still had a faint glimmer of hope left,though I was already panicking deep inside. But I refused to give up hope and I felt i had a very strong will to go on living. Now I have lost the fight for good.In the last few weeks the last doubts have been cleared. I am extremely exhausted but at the same time I feel a great relief as I can see clearer now. I am not interested to go on under such abysmal conditions as there is no more change to be expected. It's a pointless exercise to post this here really, I am at a loss why I am doing this. it seems a pathetic reflex to go on about one's misery.My apologies.But I have turned into a pathetic piece of misery so it seems,though I would stress that I am not depressed nor a pessimist in life. The good news is: the garbage collector will be calling very soon and will pick up what's left for him. So this will be an orderly affair,clean and tidy,no crumbs left. And nothing will stop me in this.