good news

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mozart, Jul 16, 2013.

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  1. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    The good news after endless months of struggling and trying to come to terms with job loss,divorce and health problems ( all at the same time ) is that I know now that I have lost the fight to ever get out of this misery.
    The uncertainty and all the false hopes: that's gone. Reality and certainty have set in.
    I would have probably managed to deal with up to 2 of these issues,but all 3 of them happening at the same time and the fact that I have
    been under constant negative stress for the last 3 years ( that's how long I have fought the good fight before having to accept defeat now ),
    all of this has shown me at least that I don't need to have illusions anymore.

    When I posted a while ago here I still had a faint glimmer of hope left,though I was already panicking deep inside.
    But I refused to give up hope and I felt i had a very strong will to go on living.
    Now I have lost the fight for good.In the last few weeks the last doubts have been cleared.
    I am extremely exhausted but at the same time I feel a great relief as I can see clearer now.
    I am not interested to go on under such abysmal conditions as there is no more change to be expected.

    It's a pointless exercise to post this here really, I am at a loss why I am doing this.
    it seems a pathetic reflex to go on about one's misery.My apologies.But I have turned into a pathetic
    piece of misery so it seems,though I would stress that I am not depressed nor a pessimist in life.

    The good news is: the garbage collector will be calling very soon and will pick up what's left for him.
    So this will be an orderly affair,clean and tidy,no crumbs left.
    And nothing will stop me in this.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    oh hun you ARE DEPRESSED OK AND RIGHTLY SO you have your music h un please your talent use it to help you heal No one can take that away from you noone hun
    dam depression hun get help ok for it please do not leave please you showed me a world so much different then mine one of sound and beauty please hun reach out go to hospital get talking to your doc but don't give in don't
     
  3. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    thank you total eclipse.
    I can assure you that I am not depressed. I never was ,it's not in my nature.
    I am very calm and clear headed.
    But the problem is that the very thing that could save me ( which you have rightly identified ) is being taken from me. And that is a development I can't do anything about,but I always knew that I would be unable to accept that one disappearing. I have tried everything to avert this,but it didn't work.

    So going to hospital or the doctor to get some pills ( what for ?? ) won't do the trick. My problem would not be going away because of this.
    It 's just a scheme of numbing the pain. I don't want to manipulate myself into ignoring the hard facts. That is not a solution.

    Sometimes life has obstacles that are too hard to live with. And I do believe it is up to the individual to decide whether it is willing to accept any disaster under the sun or pull the plug if it becomes a permanent disaster. Some may be stronger in this,others weaker.

    That's just how it is.

    But I am grateful that you took time to reply.
    Thank you for that.
     
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am so sorry you are in this much pain. You are a musician? A painist? I used to be a pianist. I lived to play. I was the piano. But eventually the drive and love went away when I was in my 40s. Long story. But I have so much deep respect for people who love music. Which apparantly you do.

    The world needs people who love music. Music is so much about vibration. Mozart was a master for sure. But I think he still is. I hope you do not leave the world. Because the world needs every artist. every musican every lover of music that we can have. I know this is a selfish comment. And yet I write it. I know how hard it is to be alive in the current society that has no support for the artist, for the musician for the right brain connection. And still I hope you stay. :hug:
     
  5. Curzone

    Curzone New Member

    Hey Mozart,

    From one pathetic piece of misery to another... Hold out for a bit more mate.

    Jesus, it feels kind of hypocritical telling someone to hold on for a bit longer when I'm staring at <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> an hour ago, but, fuck... There's got to be something more to this, hasn't there mate?

    And, well maybe I'm not the best person to give out advice at the moment. But for just one more night, one more day, one more week - hold out a little longer. Tell the world to fuck itself. Try and quit the things that brought us down to this hell. Try and claw out of the pit we've found ourselves in... Claw back into the light... Tell your old boss to go fuck himself. Tell your wife/husband she/he is a tramp... Get yourself a backpack and take to the mountains. Try and find the person you were before - everyone else, circumstance, fate, whatever - turned you into that stranger looking back at you from the mirror.

    That person isn't you mate... But you - the real you - is desperately trying to get back to real world and maybe we (you, me) needed to experience what we're experiencing to shake us out of this bullshit stupor. Maybe we need to experience this shit so that person - the real you - can take one more breath, a breath of fresh air, and start living our own fucking lives... Not doing what everyone tells you to do... Not doing what you think is right for the betterment of everyone else. But doing what is right for the betterment of yourself.

    I'm just saying, it's time to look after yourself for a change, and tell everyone else to fuck off. Live for yourself... You're no longer scared of death, so maybe it's time to blaze through life... Better to be a bright flame than to just fizzle out.

    Mozart, as you've probably guessed from this post, I'm not a calm or clear headed man... And no, I'm not very refined. But I do know that rhythm exists everywhere... In the flap of a birds wings, on the wind hitting your face, in your still beating heart. There's music everywhere, it's not always pleasant. But maybe it's time to just listen to the music mate... Take it for what it is... Suck it in and experience every nuance.. If you can't listen to it, just try to feel it and find other ways to make it. Stop listening to the dirge mate. Head for the hills and live for yourself - even for a little longer.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 17, 2013
  6. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    Thanks flowers and curzone.
    I am not in a " I am going to leave today " mode ,as it would be impractical and sort of unrealistic due to the fact that it will take some rather extensive traveling etc.
    But I have come to the conclusion that giving up the the one decisive area would finish me off ( mentally ) anyway. So no extra harm done really.

    But then : I have gone through hell and back,so even a small sign from the Gods might do a lot of good .I am not an unreasonable guy and -- I have to repeat this-- through all the disasters I have fought hard for years as I am neither depressed nor inactive. I have probably more energy and pigheadedness than its good for myself.
    But at this point now I was regrettably forced to look at my situation again and decide in a rational and composed manner where I finally draw the line,as recent developments went far beyond my worst expectations. Pity that,really. And I am not sarcastic here.It's serious and a rather sad affair.
    But I do believe in accepting defeat where it is a defeat. Once the referee has blown the final whistle it is sportsmanlike to say: "yep,we lost,game over."

    It comes all down to acceptance.

    We can accept virtually anything and adapt to most situations. I know that.

    But in the end it's in the eye of the beer holder whether one choses to do so , And I know with pretty accurate certainty what I can permanently take and what not.

    PS curzone: you were preparing your exit and then you take time writing to a bugger like me ,in the midst of all this ? I can only say a lame "Thank you" ,and you are a helluva guy. What a pity we are both at a point where instead of going for a pint we fiddle around with leaving the big stage. It definitely sucks.
    So I return the favor and say to you: put that ..... of yours away ( I saw your post before it was edited ) and postpone it until next week ...OK ? One drowning guy trying to save another ? A situation like on the Titanic...nice twist that one....lol...
    Thanks flowers, I agree with you,but there is a limit what I can take,and that limit has been reached.
     
  7. mbczion

    mbczion Well-Known Member

    Mozart, I can relate to what you are going through. I am going through a rough divorce involving two kids. My financial situation is in the toilet and that is despite working two jobs for many years!!!! For now I have my health, but I feel like I can't take much more before having a nervous breakdown (and there goes my health).

    You didn't mention whether or not you have kids, but my kids are who keep me going. If not for them, I would be infinitely more likely to "pull the plug". How 'bout we keep each other going? What do you say mate?
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Mozart if it is your health that has taken away your ability to play hun then now it is the time to teach ok

    you take that love of music and you pass it on
    YOu give that gift to someone else now to enjoy to build on please hun you have so much to give

    YOU are just like you said pigheaded as am i and you just are not seeing everything clearly

    You say you see reality as it is

    You see reality through the eyes of someone that is in pain that has lost so much hun

    REality can be seen in many different ways hun

    Please you keep trying to get that teaching job oh the world would be so much better if your love of music your knowledge your expertise could be past on.

    You are not ready to leave this world not yet not when so much more can be done hun

    You just take one day at a time like you have been doing and you keep your eyes open hun and your heart ok to other possibilities that involve music your first love really right

    I would not have ever listen to this music of yours hun if i did not meet you and now i have i think wow what i have been missing You could compose hun write the music you could and you have done just that NO ONE can take that gift away hun even if your abilities start to falter you passion you knowledge will never diminish
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 17, 2013
  9. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    Thank you mbczion and total eclipse.
    @mbczion: I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough spot, but I think it will sort itself out in the end,won't it ? Once the divorce is settled you will start to be able to breathe again. I can only guess how it must feel,but I don't have kids myself...let's keep each other going then for the time being...but I don't know how long that will be.
    @total eclipse I cannot go into details here but my teaching position is also stuffed now,but that's a complicated,rather Kafkaesque story.As said before: it's a matter whether one can accept that,but I cannot as the sum of it all comes down to a complete collapse of what defined my existence. It's just simply too much,and in the previous years I had no respite,no good news whatsoever,just one disaster followed by the next one...
     
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Then let hope soon the disaster period ends hun lets hope the more positove doors start to open for you . Until then you enjoy listening to your music you compose you create with that beautiful mind of yours ok Ending one life will take away so much you have to give hun you do have much to give you do.
     
  11. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    @total eclipse: I appreciate your comments and the time you always have for my worries.I really do. I can only say thank you for that.
    But I need some form of upbeat news though as the current situation unchanged will not end well.So I'll wait and see for a bit longer then...
     
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes hun you wait and you keep knocking on those doors ok you have so much to give hun just listening to the music you post wow music i never would have heard before now
    you hun you wait ok and i will pray that more upbeat news comes to you hugs
     
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you
     
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