Good place to start

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Mya80, Jul 30, 2013.

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  1. Mya80

    Mya80 New Member

    I'm Mya. I'm new here, but not new to forums or feeling like this. I figured I would introduce myself before I got into anything more deep.

    I don't even know what to say. Other introductions in the past have been so much simpler. I went on about my family and the things that I enjoy. I don't really enjoy anything anymore and my family is so badly totaled that there's little hope of anything good to come. I like animals. I like people. I'm extremely empathetic but straight forward.

    So, I suppose I'll go browse around a bit and then take a nap as it seems that's what I do now.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Mya i nap alot too but found this forum very helpful hun so i do hope when you are ready you post away ok or join chat hugs
  3. Pertokeyo

    Pertokeyo Banned Member

    Not enjoying what you normally enjoy means either two things. One that you need fresh things to try, or you need to change how and when you do the things you enjoy. Families are not the only source of real happiness and inspiration. Share what you enjoy with new people, and you'll find real happiness.
  4. Mya80

    Mya80 New Member

    Thanks. I tried to join the chat but it said my Adobe wasn't compatible and I've already downloaded Adobe like 47,000 times (or maybe 6) this year already, so..I guess that's out. But maybe I'll try again another time.

    Families, in my experience, are kind of the opposite of happiness and inspiration.

    I've been dealing with depression for a minimum of 19 years and overwhelming anxiety/panic attacks for at least 29 years. Suicidal inclinations started around 17 years old, but it comes and goes and only twice was acted upon. While I know that's a high number for some people, I find that fairly minimal really; which always gets a strange look out of people.

    As far as the actual details of those two incidents, I'm not sure what or how to share within the rules. The one time I was only stopped because the outcome wasn't sure enough to actually kill me, and could have just left me seriously injured. The most recent was just a couple weeks ago and I badly timed out my pregame and was found sleeping when I never meant to go to sleep, but rather leave, finish and not wake up. The problem is, ever since that night I haven't been able to flip it back off. In the past the idealizations, once deterred in one way or another, faded away fairly quickly. This time is different. Every day is just another day that is leading up to an inevitability. I'm going on and taking care of things as if I'm just depressed, but there's nothing there but going through the motions.

    Overall this last time was just too much for me. I realized that I've been heading for this end all along. I asked my God if I could please just be done already and I was told yes. I know day to day that "today is not the day", but I've become increasingly aware that the day is approaching and that I should be ready. My husband found me sleeping and called the paramedics, they took me in and locked me up for a week. While I was really angry about that and argued my innocence to gain back my freedom, they weren't wrong to lock me up. But when I got home my husband took the kids and left me here all alone. He can't look at me or talk to me. It's all so sad.

    So, I guess I came here to talk to people who hopefully won't hit me with "tomorrow is another day" "there's hope" "breathe" which is all we talked about in every group I attended for a week. Tomorrow is another day for the rest of the world. After the end of the world, tomorrow will STILL be another day. Hope for what? What the hell am I hoping for? It's all just so damn sad. My heart is broken. My family is ruined. My husband is suicidal. I'm suicidal. They say I've got Major Depressive Disorder, which after reading up on it; I agree.

    I see my shrink on Friday and then a Psychiatrist in a few weeks. Psychiatrists make me really nervous. I've only met 2, but both were horrible people. I guess I'm just looking for people who aren't going to talk to me all weirded out like my friends are, and maybe someone who says yes..I've been so far down in the swamp of sorrow that there's no amount of happy thought, hope, or wishing that would get me out. That after a failed suicide they felt even more like a failure. I feel like being 'helped' just cheated me out of my happy ending.
  5. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    hello mya and welcome.

    hope this site helps you
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