The night goes away as the day breaks to a icy grey morning. the sun is hidden behind the clouds and i'm not warmed one little bit. normally a good breakfast helps but this morning it feels cold in my gut even as it burns my throat. i never cut myself, i never judged the girls (or guys i just never knew them) that did. sometimes i think i understand. my legs hurt so bad but it doesn't bother me that my morning is shitty that my food is horrible. I can focus. That pain, that force (should i reverse that?) is nice. i try so fucking hard but yet i can't seem to move forward. even though it hurts i know my body is growing, i know what is happening. i just wish that everything, no matter how painful, was so straightforward. lies hurt more from friends. they were wrong for the right reasons. it seems even harder now because of that. i wasn't supposed to know, i was just there. shit i work, i'm trying as hard as i can. my arms responded quicker, i couldn't bench 40 pounds now I'm over 120. i couldn't walk for an hour, now i can run for 2. there were plateaus. for a month i couldn't lift more 50 pounds. It burned to keep going but there was a feeling there that the pain meant something. I know some passion in my life, not much but some. young girls laughing, me taking advantage. i won't say that I'm a saint, but, fuck, who wouldn't? you can't turn it down, i don't care how strong you are; that sky comes a calling it finds an answer. Breasts are gorgeous, warm and sweet. It's weird when skin tastes good. Kissing leads to-- hey we should leave, there's a party on oak, yeah around the corner stop for a minute at my house, yeah I just need to grab something. Sit down, relax. Put on music, you will love this. I knew you would, 'What's this?' crazy good book. Oh that? yeah I made that, heh, college. This is my room, that's my bed, yeah all those pillows are mine, they make it super soft, check it out. kissing-leads-to-heavy-petting-leads-to-naked-leads-to-hold-on. Wrapper and an alright time. She still smells nice when she leaves, she isn't really remarkable in any physical way. I kind of feel bad that I'm so disconnected in the morning. She reminds me of the typical model of bing girl: would be skinny if she didn't drink so much, or thought a little more. Sort of superficial eyes that don't really show life or energy. I don't even really care if I gave her my number or not. Or, even, how she gets home, or not. Was she a freshmen? I remember last night girls laughing and calling out in triumph "We can buy cigarettes!" I sit back and laugh with them. I feel sick from everything I've done this weekend. Is today halloween? I think she left part of her costume. i've just been sitting around my apartment not doing anything. i went running, but it was snowing so i let up after about an hour in. nothing seems to make sense right now. i feel like i should feel justified, that i wasn't wrong. i was just doing the same thing. i didn't call her, she didn't call me either. listening to sappy emotional music and drinking a bottle of rum isn't making it any clearer. its nighttime and i still haven't eaten since breakfast. so, why the fuck does it have to hurt? i told myself it shouldn't, it shouldn't fucking hurt. two weeks. how do you became attached to someone so quick? We didn't do shit. i mean, we slept together, but we didn't have sex. I dunno why the fuck i'm so stupid. that's probably why, but fuck. the girl i did have sex with, i don't even know her name.