good times

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ZzZzZzZz, Jul 23, 2009.

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  1. ZzZzZzZz

    ZzZzZzZz Member

    Hello everybody,

    I'm 30, or will be in about 2 weeks. I have no friends, that's pretty much my problem right there I guess. That's very unnatural for a human being, or at least most human beings; yeah I'm lumping myself in with the majority, nothing special here! I have a strong distrust/hatred of humanity as a whole, also, I don't trust meds and have never/will never take them. Deep down of course I'd like to find somebody i can trust but I doubt it's ever going to happen. Plus I'm a fairly horrible human being myself, certainly not a archetype of good nature. I'd like to be good, and I'm trying, but deep down I'm rotten like everybody else I suppose.

    I've felt this way most of my life. Oh yeah, I'm technically a virgin... I don't care much about that, but I'm weighed down by sexual repression and I'm sure everybody that I know is well aware...

    I recently quit a forum that I've posted on for the better half of 10 years, but the place was a cesspool. Nothing but assholes and that one source of socialization was poisoning me.

    in closing, this is the most pathetic drivel ever posted on the internet and frankly I'd be embarrassed if I wasn't so drunk right now... I wouldn't have even registered here let alone post this had I been sober and nont feeling particularly miserable tonight... how sad this is hahaha... a 30 year old man posting on a SUICIDE forum like an adolescent...

    asdfasdfaeee

    fuck it though I just feel like talking and venting...

    so anybody else feel similar? How do you kill the time and reap a little enjoyment out of life? :biggrin:
     
  2. ZzZzZzZz

    ZzZzZzZz Member

    I hope this doesn't come off as snarky or confrontational to anybody, I'm just taking the piss out of myself here... I feel like an ass posting this stuff as a 30 year old man... just need to talk
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sorry your feeling so alone and sorry you are intoxicated as well this can only increase your feelings of depression. I am glad you are able to come on here and vent thought and it is not all adolescents that have suicidal feelings i am 50 and come here to vent so don't be embarrassed. I hope you stick around and see we are all supportive here and care about what your going through take care and happy birthday coming up
     
  4. ZzZzZzZz

    ZzZzZzZz Member

    hey thanks Mary! Skip the birthday cheer though... THIRTY! Remember what that was like? hehehe (I kid...) :)
     
  5. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hi there ..
    welcome 2 the forum.. hopefully u will find this a more helpful site.. can i ask what forum u were previousy on?
    u dont sound like an 'adolescent' .. but just so u know adolescents do come here..
    wish u all the best x
     
  6. ODIECOM

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    one of the things that i learned a couple years ago. we have to change the way we look at things. it may not seem easy but if you try a little at a time, you will be suprised at how it works.

    im going to make a post on a seprate thread, so it doesnt take away from what you are going through.
    i will say this much. ive been the drunk that needed very much to vent. truth is, i really only had ONE TRUE friend in my 49 YEARS.
    my suggestion is that you read alot of these posts, i found them quite helpful yeaterday when i joined.

    you have to decide whether or not you want to sit in misery or figure out a plan to rescue yourself from your currant state.
    its not an easy thing to do, but you have a choice, short term misery on the way to recovery or long term unhappiness and misery that in time there could be no return from.
    i wish you the best.
    odiecom
     
  7. ZzZzZzZz

    ZzZzZzZz Member

    nah I'd rather not talk about the forum i came from, they're a very vulgar and antagonistic sort centered around metal and underground music. I was just as much a contributor as I was a spectator so I'm certainly not innocent... just trying to better myself.

    I'd like to say that I have nothing against the kids that post here, everybody knows being a teenager sucks. My problems are petty compared to most I'm sure so I can't really knock them, nor should I for any reason.
     
  8. ZzZzZzZz

    ZzZzZzZz Member

    thanks man, you make alot of sense. if it was as easy as flipping a switch, I'd change, believe me. And obviously you know what a struggle this is. I tell myself all the time what I need to do to change, and honestly I'm making a half-assed effort, I'm sure that's no secret... if I could see a light at the end of the tunnel or a guarantee that everything would be cool if I did a full blown 180 I'd do it, but I'm not sure I could ever be truly happy with all the misery around me... I wish I could wear blinders you know?

    it's not even just being happy that I'm worried about, being happy sounds so vain... I'd just like to be a decent person and maybe be content with just that
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 23, 2009
  9. ODIECOM

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    you know what !!!???

    you want to see a light at the end of the tunnel ?

    that my friend is what they call hope. faith in yourself. make yourself a simple plan. something that isnt gunna send you over what you arnt ready for.

    so your thirty.. big deal. im almost 50 and because of my OWN DOINGS, i am once again starting from scratch. this wasnt quite my doing, but i went for the ride anyway.
    im renting a room, not an apartment .. A ROOM. because unlike before, i dont make 3times the rent right now.... KEY WORDS RIGHT NOW.
    does it suck ??? your darn right it does.

    i have had better. been better .. and i have been worse as well.

    to make along story short, when i joined yesterday, i wasnt intrested in doing anything. i lost intrest in things i enjoyed. it took the afternoon for me to read alot of these posts AND REALISE that if i was to get any better or do any better I HAD TO GET OFF MY ASS AND GET ER DONE.

    i got a new cell phone today,THAT WAS THE HIGHLITE OF MY DAY. why ? because its something that i knew i had to have. you see, i broke the last one when i attemped suicide about a month ago.

    for almost 3 weeks, i sat around going through the motions. work eat sleep.
    i took no enjoyment in any of it. i was stuck, i had nothing, i used to be and now i wasnt.

    i realised last nite .. just before the sun went down .. THERES NOT A DAMN THING STOPPING ME ..... EXCEPT ME !!!!

    i own a very good mountain bike, and when i was in the mental ward, that and my laptop were the only things i missed. you see, ive only been in this state 3 months.
    i ride 14 miles round trip a day to work. i had 3 days off in a row .. due to hour cut backs. so last nite after reading on this fourm .. i decided RIGHT THEN AND THERE. why should i just sit here on my ass and do nothing but mope and feel sorry for me ? hmmmm?
    i got up and went for a 3 mile ride around an area that i havnt been yet. course i havnt been anywhere lol. it was a good feeling to know that all i have to do is STEP OUT OF MY BOX AND START LIVING.
    i changed my way of thinking while i rode last nite. it carried on through today. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN CHARGE OF YOUR DESTINY.

    i feel alot better than i have for awhile. im still not where i want to be, but im not were i was. mentally that is.

    i chose to look at things differantly. i got a place to live, rents paid for, i got food, smokes, a job and i also have one thing that matters the most... I HAVE HOPE AND FAITH IN MYSELF THAT in time things will get better as long as I MAKE THE EFFORT AND CHANGE MY WAY OF THINKING AGAIN.

    be good to yourself. step out of the box, your not stupid. your in a rut. and your buring yourself deeper as each passing day goes by.
    i chose to look at the things i DO HAVE not what i dont.

    be happy IN THE NOW.
    yesterdays check is already cashed. tomorrow isnt here yet.
    hang in there.

    odiecom
     
  10. ZzZzZzZz

    ZzZzZzZz Member

    hey man thanks again for your advice and I'm glad you've found some happiness. You hang in there, too.
     
  11. ODIECOM

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    ty. i do hope you will try to find your way out of your box as well.
     
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hey, welcome to SF. At least you're making an attempt to change, to make things better. It's not something you can do all at once. But you're on the right track.
     
  13. ODIECOM

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    thats true. it will have its ups and downs as life can have everyday.
    but if we try to look at each day as a new day with new ideas and constant hope and faith ... we will surely make it through.
     
  14. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    very true post, that was an inspiring read for me. the struggle is letting go of the past, letting go... :(
     
  15. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug:
     
  16. dontknowfa

    dontknowfa New Member

    lmao, I can't believe what you just said because in fact I just registered 2 mins ago and I am drunk and would have never found or registered on this site. I probably won't remember this in the morning other than getting an email or something but if you are still posting/alive or whatever then just remember before you do anything there is still somewhat a chance of doing something or finding something. If you ever want to talk about normal stuff etc pm me and I will reply with something similar no doubt.
     
  17. catnip43

    catnip43 Active Member

    Hell yes! All the time, and I'm 43! I've gone from making almost six figures to being unemployed for the last two years due to bipolar, major depression, agorophobia, and most recently a relapse into my Bulimia. I'm drunk now too and shouldn't be. Two years ago I was a poster child for AA until sh*t hit the fan and all this situational crap happened. They kept telling me it gets better the longer you are sober. Well, not for me it didn't. All my illnesses reared their ugly heads after I stopped "self medicating". Some idiot even told me "I promise you your bills will get paid as long as you stay sober"..wrong again. The last AA meeting I went to was an ego-fest and I couldn't wait to leave.

    Sorry about getting off on this tangent but I'm basically in the same boat as you. I have no REAL friends, not even ONE. I also have developed a hatred of humanity since I've been turned down for any financial public assistance because I have a lousy 401K out there. I've cashed in two already, have been turned down twice for disability despite the above problems, and when the money runs out, I'm on the street. I used to even believe in God. Well, either there is none or he's ignoring me. The only thing I have to be grateful for is my cats and being able to vent on this forum. And the only reason I'm able to get online since I can't afford internet is that someone around here has an unsecured wireless point. If it wasn't for the internet I would have offed myself some time ago... So feel free to vent away. Lord knows it's been helping me...:agreed:
     
  18. catnip43

    catnip43 Active Member

    Sorry a bit off the original topic but when I read about your mountain bike, it hit a hot button with me. My ex-husband (well we're actually still married as far as I know) refuses to talk to me. In a nutshell I supported him while he was unemployed for THREE years while he did nothing but spend MY money on stuff for him and me, including not one, but TWO $1600 mountain bikes. And guess where they are? With him, along with about $12,000 worth of "stuff" bought with MY money. I had no choice but to leave our home in GA to take a job in TN after I was laid off, and to make a long story short, we didn't talk for like a year. The reason why - I had just gotten sober and was afraid that if I returned home he would be drinking as usual and I would be tempted. So a year later, I contacted him and we were on speaking terms until I lost my job and it was MY time of need. It was then he changed his phone to an unlisted number, managed to turn his parents against me, and basically told me I'm "not his problem" now that he has a job. I used to be the poster child for fitness, health, and my upbeat personality. Since my mental illness took over two years ago, I've gone from that to being a bitter, angry, b*tch. I used to donate to charities and the same ones refuse to help me these days. Apparently my 401K I contributed to as a responsible adult is the reason for that. Two years ago, your post could have been written by me. I would give my right arm to be in anyone's situation besides where I am at. Whenever I bring up my suicidal thoughts and how I should probably be admitted to the hospital, she says things like "you're better than that, those people are weak and pathetic". That statement alone makes me want to strangle her. Don't know where I was going with this but going from making almost six figures to being on the verge of homelessness due to mental illness, it's hard for me to find anything to be grateful about. I'm 43 and most of my peers have high level executive jobs and stuff. Not that I'm whining, but life for me just sucks now and I can't see any light through the tunnel except for dying. Anyway, sorry for venting but that's what I'm going through. I'm grateful for my cats and that's about it.
     
  19. ODIECOM

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    you know catnip. when i came to this state i had to give up my cat. that was something that was very hard for me to do. i understand the level of love that you have for your cats.

    after i quit drinking, i really dont care what pp; think about me. it doesnt matter, because in the long run, its my life not theirs.

    in todays world, its not who has the gold, or who out shines other ppl.
    its about being yourself and doing the best that you can,

    as long as you get up and face what is everyday, your a winner.
    i dont care anymore who makes more money than i do, who lives better than i, im doing what i have to do.

    that in its self means alot. who cares what others think.
    be happy for what you have, and dont let the things you dont have run your life.
    things could be worse. the same goes for me.

    have a good day

    odie
     
  20. catnip43

    catnip43 Active Member

    Odie:

    If I had to give up either one of my cats, I don't know what I would do. They are the loves of my life right now.

    I'm trying to come to terms with all this "situational" crap but it's been difficult, even with a good therapist. I miss the long rides I used to take on my mountain bike. I was living in MA at the time and there were lot's of trails.

    Now I live in NM and it's just too darn hot (plus I haven't yet become acclimated to a dry climate and high altitude) to ride. I was able to by a second hand bike from a shop here. It's considered a mountain bike, but the previous owner had it converted to a single gear. The guy told me that's the latest rage around here. I couldn't afford one with multiple gears or even front suspension. My expensive one that the ex husband has is a Proflex Animal, with front and rear suspension plus a bunch of other expensive features.

    Once again I'm looking outside at the 100 degree heat wondering when I'll ever be able to go bike riding without the risk of heat exhaustion. I'd probably have to drink a gallon of water before and bring a gallon of water with me - it is THAT hot here....

    Anyway, thanks for listening to my ranting and carrying on. I'm supposed to be getting new meds from the VA (where I get my healthcare) mailed to me but they have yet to arrive. One of them (Lamictal) is supposed to help with my unpleasant manias I've been having (I'm bipolar). Hopefully it will and I can go back to my more positive self. We'll just have to see. For now, I'm just trying not to dwell on negative crap.

    Thanks and have a good day.

    Cat
     
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