Good without job, grateful without happiness Redefining the way we evaluate our days During my periods of severe depression, most mornings I don't want to get up. I don't want the day to start only for the pain to kick in again. I don't want to fight my way through a day, realizing that no matter what I do it won't be worth it. But usually around 9am I do get up and start my day. And by 5pm I close the doors and say goodbye to the world and decide that that particular day is over. The last six hours that I'll spend awake I do not require myself to be social or active or anything, I allow myself to simply exist, to simply breathe (and maybe watch a series) until I go to bed at around 11pm. I literally have a 9-to-5 day in which I will put on a smile, fight my hardest, be social and do whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. After eight hours of fighting I'm done, exhausted and only wish to disappear. All my efforts seem to have been in vain. I couldn't feel any joy or other positive feeling. I might have laughed, but my heart never laughed along. The day wasn't worth it in any way and I'd rather not have had to live it. But I did. I did and instead of focusing on not having been able to enjoy my day and feel any form of happiness, I focus on it having been a good day. I focus on it having been, objectively speaking, a (relative) good day and I am grateful for it. I am grateful not because I was able to feel any joy, but because if I hadn't been so depressed that all joy is stolen from me, I would have felt it. I choose to view my days more objectively. There are only-bad days, mostly-bad days, partly-bad days, partly-good days, mostly-good days and only-good days. And none of those things are based on my feelings, which at this point in time are simply very inaccurate, dark and twisty. At the end of the day, even the really really bad ones, I realize there's always something to be grateful for - namely the fact that I can shut the doors again, keep the world outside and go to bed. For those few precious hours, I will be able to disappear - and that is the ony thing I can even FEEL somewhat grateful about. So, not matter what tomorrow may bring, and no matter how not-worth-the-effort it's going to be, I will breathe and fight my way through it until I can let go and say 'today is done'.