Goodbye and thanks

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Leiaha, Mar 5, 2009.

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  1. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I know nobody gives a damn, most will be glad to see the back of me, irl aswel as here.

    I did what 'they' told me to do instead of just attempting I called them for help. They don't give a shit! for all they know I am alresdy dead. They will have what they want by the end of the day. I have been left in little doubt of my worth, what they really think of me.

    After today I will be out of it because I have HAD ENOUGH.

    This post isn't to gain any sympathy, I don't want empty words. No, it's just to let you know that this time it's REAL. I have everything I need. Yesterday i rewrote my funeral wishes, will and updated my diary. I cleaned my house, gave a few things away to make sure they went to the people I want to have them. I destroyed everything I don't want anyone to find when I'm dead. I left instructions for my family, like they give a shit anyway. I made arrangements for my cats and dog. . . . etc

    Later I will have along bath to make sure I am a clean corpse. lock my bedroom door so nobody can get in (it's a re-inforced security door) then joy of joys, I am gone. Don't all cheer at once!

    Just wanted to let you all know, another loose end tied off. I dont expect any replies except maybe from 2 people here who seem to like me for some odd reason so, don't feel obliged, i won't be offended.

    Lea x
     
  2. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    honey, i give a damn about you. always have done and always will do

    please dont do this though. there are so many people, like me, that genuinly do give a damn about you and dont want to lose you from their lives.

    believe me, these arent empty words but words from the heart

    always here for you so pm me please x
     
  3. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I I wish I could offer you words of encouragement, however....I have decided that today is my last day as well.

    I guess I will see you on the other side.
     
  4. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Just to clear up any confusion, 'they' are the professionals eg.. CMHT, crisis team, GP etc.........................................................
    And everyone else too tbh
     
  5. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    If no one gives a damn then why do i have an MSN full of people pointing me too this thread? Word is you've felt like this a few times before and people have tried to help but you've ended up in hospital anyway, they're worried about you but at the same time don't believe their words are being heard.

    People care.

    All i wanna say is that if you end up in hospital this time then please ask them for help, there's only so much SF can do, we can offer support and virtual hugs when needed but you have to work to change how you feel. We'll be here to support you and find the help you need to change these feelings but you have to accept the help.
     
  6. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    lea...we do care. these words from me are NOT empty words.

    we have talked on emails. . .that is not even S.F. . .that is like Real Life.

    that is just to stress to you - that these are real caring feelings i have for you, and many others feel the same way.

    i know it is hard to listen, when you are in so much pain. but....try to consider what your friends are saying to you. and yes, you have friends.

    try to think back to just recently when you so enjoyed your daughters...you can have that again. things will get better...they always do. but you have to get through this hellish spot first.
    and you can. so many of us are HERE for you. and i'm not on msn but i have people sending me here to this thread....via pm. we are all concerned for you. lean on us - we love you lea. . . .:console: xx pm me , please?
     
  7. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Like I said I didnt post for help, sympathy etc. There is no point asking for help, That is what the first post was about. I have been asking for help for the past 2 days and been ignored by the profs. Don't accuse me of not trying, I have tried but I am intelligent enough to know when to accept defeat.
    There is no point accepting support here because It will work for a while then I just end up feeling either just as shitty or, even worse. Also, you spill your guts to someone and they end up turning on you and making things worse.
    Sorry, this is just the way I feel, don't mean to offend anyone. I would NEVER do that intentionally believe it or not.
    And yes, I am a lost cause.

    Lea x
     
  8. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ....it's not sympathy. i am just selfish.....because i care about you and don't want to lose you.

    you have lots of people who care for and love you. your daughters, to start. some people here that also are real life friends. .. and then the many flesh and blood members of s.f.

    we love you. and want you here. it is SO not sympathy. we are asking you to stay because we love you and need you.
     
  9. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    mdmefontaine said it exactly as it should be. everyone gives a damn about you. i know you feel like you've been given up on but its not like that at all

    im not being sympathetic but im just being honest with you. your loved and wanted here and even more loved, wanted and needed by your daughters.
     
  10. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    you don't want to try somewhere else? just because your ignored in one place, two places, three places doesn't mean you'll never be heard. just gotta keep trying, for yourself and for your kids. just because you feel like this now don't mean you'll feel like it forever.

    I've already read your thread about mothers on this forum but the terrible truth is that you've got to put your kids first, always. How do these threats help your kids? Yer yer, i get that you've got it tough and these feelings are horrific but surely its worth looking everywhere for help? No matter how exhausting, you're willing to throw the rest of your life away and make your kids miserable over something that could be sorted in a year, 2 years, 3 years time.

    Its going get to the point where you lose your kids, they will always love you and want to help you but just like every other person on this planet, there is only so many times they can repeat themselves, there it only so many times they can take the pain of having to support you.

    I know that sounds harsh but when you become a mother you will always have that side of this thrown at you. I can tell you now, the way you're feeling now, your children probably feel 100x worse because there is nothing they can do to help. I've pretty much cut my mother out of my life for nothing compared to this and i know you don't like it being thrown at you but you have a commitment and you have to make this ride as smooth as possible for them.

    If you think what i'm saying is bullshit, fair do's, in that case, the least you can do is make sure your children know you weren't capable of help and not to let them come home one day to find you there...gone...sorry, but i'm very passionate about the life long responsibility that comes with having children and my harsh belief is that no matter what you're going through and how shit you're feeling you will always be around to watch your children become the amazing adults they're destined to be.
     
  11. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    neither did i post for criticism and to be told I'm a bad mother but, thanks for your opinion.
     
  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug:s

    I don't know what to say but I don't agree with what's been said regarding you as a mother, and I hear you're in so much pain.

    I've been to the CMHT today and it was a joke and it's not funny. I'm sorry, but I know what you mean.
     
  13. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    i never said you are a bad mother but i am technically a 'kid' and have had a shit upbringing and knows what its like from the childrens side of things.
     
  14. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    leiaha, no ones critiscing you or saying your a bad mother honey. jbird's just saying to think about your daughters and how they'll feel without you around. they need you
     
  15. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Thanks ggg4567, all that from someone I have barely spoken to before but, it's ok, I know who is feeding it. Keep it up because all you are doing is strengthening my resolve.
    I know my kids and I'm not about to defend myself to people who know nothing about being a parent or my situation.
    I decided this time to as I was advised and ask for help instead of jumping the gun. A complete waste of time, no help is forthcoming. What else am I supposed to do now?

    There ya go! Anyone else got anything to say before i go offline?
     
  16. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    reading this is very upsetting, lea i wish i could say something, do something to help you.
    hunni, if you do this i am going to miss you so much, i wish i had the chance to get to know you more and understand the real lea.
    i respect your wish to do what you feel you need to but there is still more you can do, other places of help to try, i am sure of it.

    this can't be the end lea, i wish you will reconsider and give yourself more time and us some space to try to convince you of other avenues to try.
     
  17. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    My kids have NOT had a bad upbringing!!!! They have had just the opposite actually, I can't believe this!! I have spent the last 8 years or so putting my kids ahead of these urges and feelings until they grew up.
     
  18. plates

    plates Well-Known Member


    :hug: I don't have anything to say but maybe the people just don't understand what hell you're in. If it's any comfort I'm in a similar place right now and I really hope I get through this as I do hope you do too. I know that might seem like empty words but you're not only a mother, you're you an individual in pain and you're feeling like you're not getting any help from your CMHT which I can completely 100% empathise with.
     
  19. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    right, talk like i'm not here, thanks.
    if you weren't prepared for people to comment about your life then frankly you shouldn't post. i might not know you but i read your threads, i know as much as anyone else on this forum but im not prepared to kiss ass to get good results. most the members on this forum actually need a kick up the arse and the harsh truth opposed to a virtual hug and a "i'm here to talk hun"

    You ask me anything about parenting and i will tell you whats best. I may not be a parent but having stood on the outside and observing hundreds of family, i'm pretty damn intelligent when it comes to whats right for kids. Don't you dare undermine me just because you've misunderstood what i'm saying or because i have put it the wrong way.
     
  20. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    WTF she is here saying she wants to kill herself because she's suffering. She said she's not getting help from her CMHT and she's tried looking for help, I've been in a similar position, ok, there is nothing fucking there.

    She has said countless times she doesn't need people commenting on her role as a parent because it could trigger her but you want to give her a kick up the arse because you've been neglected as a child? Well so have I. Do I have any right to trigger this woman further? No.
     
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