Goodbye Dad...I will miss you. I don't know why you left me...

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by DarkNiss, Feb 12, 2007.

  1. DarkNiss

    DarkNiss New Member

    This is the first time I came to a board and shared my pain I am going though with others. Sorry abotu this being long but I need to say a lot...It is tough because I never gave this more info to a non-family member about this. So I will try to not give away too much details on who he is but if you do know who I am or who I am talking about because you could of came here for him or someone else... Please refrain from mentioning anything like his name or personal info or anything about me... Thanks

    1-31-07, a terrible day I will never forget. My Father(46) committed suicide by strangulation or could be possible overdose during it. It has been 13 long and painful days since then. I sadly remember the day clearly. I think about him every min, and it really hurts. I can't stop having this odd feeling that he took his own life by accident but I don't know at all because there was nothing... No suicide note, no mentioning of it before or anything from him. The thing I really hate is people were telling me at the wake and get togethers that he was trying to reach out about his pain, but no one really did anything because they knew he was a depressed person that was an alcoholic for at least most of my life

    We all knew this about my dad... and everything... but see... he seem to really hit rockbottom when my grandmother went into the hospital for Cancer. Brain Cancer... And this is right after my grandfather got though lung cancer. During his most of my life(22) he was alcoholic. but when he was sober were pretty close and had good times together. WE did have our moments of being really close but he also suffered from an that alcoholic disease. My Dad always said I was a perfect son because I never did drugs or touched alcohol the way he did... He always said I learned from his mistakes.

    He was no bum or did any bad drugs either, He was very in shape and physical healthy and worked out a lot. He worked out all of the time and loved life like women(He was kind of playboy.. lol) and sports. He had a large man like ego and always acted "tough" all the time with everything. So I don't understand why he did this to me and us. IT makes no sense. He also did not have a job for 6 months and was trying to get one.

    We did fight a lot though when he was drunk. He mostly did just beer for a the past decade and small nips but he seem to just completely switch right too the hard stuff all the time he dranked He started to switch mostly to the hard stuff right around his bother (my uncle) died from drug overdose 4 years ago. The night before he passed we went to the hospital to see my grandmother's successful surgery.

    When he heard my grandfather had to go to the hospital to get checked out because he was not breathing too well and my father brokedown. He did not know what too do and he was crying in front of me because of all the pain he has build inside. He had both his parents in 2 different hospitals to start it off and he also had a whole bunch of build of anger between the family issues, His bother passing and with me and my grandmother not getting along before she was sick.

    It was a whole list of stuff. but I never thought he would think the best way to end this "suffering" was to end his life and not think about how much suffering his own son and family are going though. Did he think we would be better off without him or something? WTF was going though his head before he strangled himself? Not to mention, he knew I was the only one home in my room. Did he really want me to find him like that? Well I did find him like that in his room. I don't know if I should be mad at him or anything else but sorrow.

    Continued to next post...
  2. DarkNiss

    DarkNiss New Member

    That day I woke up... I remember it like this...

    I went to go see him, and ask if we were going to see grandma in the hospital. It pains me to relive this but I have to tell you what happened. I woke up around 12pm and I went into the back and I could not open the door. I thought he just put a bunch of stuff there or something. So I pushed it really hard and there he was behind his door with a cord around his neck. I was screaming when I saw him on the door and I could not believe what was happening to me as I was trying to get in futher.

    I thought he was just knocked out so I kept screaming Dad, Dad..wake up! and shook his shoulder. Once I started looking at his face at first he had some blackness around his mouth and tongue and I knew he was gone right away. So I ran crying and going nuts trying to get the cell to call 911 right away. The cops came in 5 mins to confirm the death. Almost a dozen cops were there including CSI. I had no relatives to come down for about an hour because they were hard to contact and my Aunt could not come down because she did not want to see him like that. However my supporting next door neighbor came over when she saw the cops and came support me.

    It really sucks like you will not believe. If only I woke up early to see If I could try and stop him or something IF I knew he had suicidal thoughts. I feel like this family was hiding something from me about that. And I don't know who to blame for him driving himself to that. Me or my family??!

    We had the funeral this past Wednesday and it was not good. People kept telling me I would have more closure after this, but I don't. Infact it seems to hurt more now. I just went back to work the other day because I thought getting away from the home would be better, It is still the same. People give me their sympathy here and at work and if they can do anything for me. What could you do for me?

    I am getting tired of it to be honest. You think I would really call up my 23rd cousin that I never see any other day than during family deaths to do something for me? Sure it is nice they care and all but it just seems like people just say it say they try not to look like aholes or something. I am sorry I just had to get that part off of my chest. My uncles want me to go to counseling and all that to deal with this truma. My mother is in cali with my older sister.

    My mother is not mentally stable to come out to see me, So I got to go see her. She also thinks I would do something as stupid as suicide because I lost the person I care about the most in this world. I told her I am only 22 and I have not even starting my life yet. I am fine and I would never commit a selfish act like I believe my father did. Like I mentioned above. I hope it was accidental. I mean I know people don't accidentally jump off a bridge or shoot themselves but I have seen TV shows were people attempted these type of suicides to relieve pain or something but I am not sure... about that...

    Well that is about it, I hope I can get some good replies after my pooring this much out, Wow, can't believe how long this got...

    Thanks for listening to me about my pain... I hope someone can help...

    (R.I.P Dad 1-31-07)
  3. Gi-Jane

    Gi-Jane Active Member

    hey so sorry to read this all and that it happend 2 u..
    well i know how u feel i lost my dad the same way u did..
    if u wanna talk or what ever u can pm me or add me 2 msn if u like...
    (((((( hugs))))))
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You have been through so many different things in a short amount of time. Expressing how you feel about your dad and what happened must have been difficult I know. thank you for thaking the time to share it with us so we know how to best do what we can to offwer you support. Losing a loved one is hard at any time, but suicide leaves us with so many unanswered questions. It may be a wise choice to go to someone qualified in grief counseling to help you through the days to come. There are several stages to grief and your journey through them has just begun. One thing for you to remember with your fathers death, is that you were in no way responsible for it. I did not sense those feelings from your post, but I wanted to make sure you knew that. Many survivors blame themselves as they ask the questions for which they may never find answers. Hold on to the good memories you have of your father.Try not to dwell on what was happening toward the end of his life. The reality of the possibility of losing both of his parents may have been something he could not face. But the Why will probably never be known. I am sorry for your loss. Please know that many of us here at SF do understand your pain. We are willing to talk to you and support you to the best of our abilities. I lost my father as well. If you need someone to talk with, my PM box is open for you. I will get back to you as soon as I can. take care. I am thinking of you. :hug:
  5. DarkNiss

    DarkNiss New Member

    Thank-you... I will PM you guys if I need to talk about it.
  6. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    im so sorry about your loss hun :(
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Sending some extra :hug:s your way. I hope things are going okay for you right now.
  8. DarkNiss

    DarkNiss New Member

    Thanks, It has been pretty hard every day. I think of him non-stop. I also try to avoid things of him that could make me cry like his favorite music and such.
  9. silverhalo

    silverhalo Active Member

    So sorry friend
    i just lost my wife who was 36 to post natal depression and im struggling too, i am seeking couselling to as this has been a very big shock.