Goodbye nice world :)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by collins, Aug 25, 2012.

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  1. collins

    collins Member

    Dear suicide forum,
    I do not have a reason to write this, I simply want my feelings to be read.
    I have come to the decision to end my life very soon. The main reason being a constant failure in my life. I’ve tried to commit suicide several times before, I came closest some thirteen years ago and to this day I regret that I’ve been disturbed and not strong enough to proceed. Last few months were only growing depression.
    My failure comes from a certain level of standards I’ve set for myself and I was not able to achieve. I’m simply not successful enough and when I’m not successful I’m not happy. When I’m not happy everything goes bad. I’ve had enough time to create a different path for myself or set a different set of goals but I failed to do so, as I don’t believe I can be any different person.
    I’ve failed university and my job as well. People around me show appreciation of my personality only if I successful (I understand it, it’s a competitive world...). This has cost me all the people I thought were friends. Whenever I tried to talk to any of them about my issues I never heard from that person again.
    I’ve had several nice relationships but they all end when I reach this “down” point as nobody wants to be with a depressed person with low confidence.
    My parents do not understand things I call “problems” and professional help has not brought any support.
    If you want to say that there are many things to live for, I can assure you I am healthy, tall, somewhat handsome person with a nice smile and a great sense of humor but those are definitely not things I try to live for. After all these months nothing interests me anymore, no tv shows, nothing on internet, no hobbies, no sports and neither do relationships or love. I’ve tried to have a active life and all of those things brought me nothing.
    I understand that many of you will see my problems as inferior to others, but everybody has his own demons to fight. If there was an opportunity to change my life with someone else I would gladly do so, unfortunately this is not possible. I do not blame society or anybody as I am well aware that I am the problem and I carry it inside me.
    I also thought about completely changing my life and disconnecting from everybody, and to certain extent I’ve done that – I changed countries, friends, jobs, but my core has never changed and I always ended up in the same point.
    I have fought long and hard in the past but never won. I know life gets much harder than this, but I’m not going to wait and see.
    I am aware I will feel no relief when my life ends, but I will not feel failure.
    I have made up my mind and I just wanted to say a goodbye.
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    hello collins.. sorry you seem destined to end your life.. your post is so coherent and to the point.. you have a talent there.. i do not believe in suicide.. wish you had the same feelings.. hope you find some peace somethere..
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Fear of failure isn't fatal, it is only feedback. Feedback that is telling you your expectations on yourself and for your life have been way too high, and that is why they have been unachievable and depression has set in to a viscious loop that you know you carry inside of you and is eating away at your resolve to survive.

    It IS possible to start to stand back a little and see it all a bit more objectively. I KNOW it is easy for strangers miles away to point this out, and almost impossible in the midst of a forest of overpowering trees to see the light. But, bottom line truth here is that the grooves you've dug in your mind about your circumstances can be filled in and redirected by finding greater and deeper insight about it all.

    It's the way I got out of my pit - and if it can happen for me in the pit I was in, it can happen for anyone.

    Take care honey and God bless,
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I lost my son this way and while I wish I could say that as a parent, we can stop it... I know from fact that we can't. We can surely try, and I tried as hard as I could, but I could not be on suicide watch 24/7. Now my heart is gone and I am an empty shell. I will continue on though and tell my story and hope that it affects others and in some way helps bring more awareness to this issue. Your parents, and many other people, are not uncaring... they simply do not understand. Don't blame others for not understanding, it is only by more education on this topic that we can make it more understandable to others. I work hard to do that every day. I hope that you will reconsider. There is always hope. I can't promise you things will get better, but I can promise you that there is the potential for it to and that potential is worth striving for. If you ever want to talk, I won't judge you and I won't guilt trip you either. I'm here and I can speak from the heart... what I have left of it.
  5. collins

    collins Member

    I am sorry for your loss. I do not blame anybody for lack of understanding, and I am sorry for what people will feel after I'm gone. But at some point I believe they will not feel the disappointment of my failure that I see in their eyes now. There sure is potential, but it will not get better, I've seen a enough of it to recognize if change is possible. And there's no deeper and greater insight of things. There's just the reality of the world.
  6. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    Are you a guy or girl?

    If guy - then you're right, the world is a competitive place and unless you make the effort to gain high status, you're fucked. You need to think of some sort of money making scheme to get back on top.

    <Mod Edit> This is not constructive
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 25, 2012
  7. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    You must be considerably older than I.
    I am in my 50's and am still learning and still discovering things and still working toward potentials.
  8. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Hey matey, I am pretty angry that people here are responding by wishing a peaceful end, that is wrong. You say you have tried everything and reached the end of the line, great, that also means you don't have to go with the offical line anymore. No more trying to fit in with emtional retards, no more trying to please others for their satisfaction and acceptance of you. Where you are in your life is so important for yourself and others who need your insights and wisdom. You know what isolation and failure can do to a persons psyche, you know the damage of psychological pain. Use that as a platform to help others who are suffering. Learn about suicide learn that it is a disease just like cancer and AIDS, learn that people don't really make this choice consciously there are a myriad of biological, psychological and enviromental factors that force us to believe this is the "right" choice.
    All I'm saying is where you are at in your life is a special place that breaks through the bs of fakery in our lives and has a powerful healing message for many, many people. If you are truly at that place then decide to harness your pain to fight the ignorance and apathy of those around us and to help heal those who are in the same boat.

    God Bless
  9. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Oh there IS greater and deeper insight - the problem is, it is just too easy to say that there isn't and then believe that as fact.

    I had to start again from ground zero - I was humbled by events and destitute of hope. Something caused me to examine how I was seeing the world....... and that is where it started, my climb out of unreality. I had to shed a few things in the process, but I was better off without these anyway.

    I totally disagree with BB who said we have to make an effort to gain high stakes or we're screwed. Yes, nothing comes without our effort, agreed....... but it's what we make our priority that determines what it does for us...... Years ago when people got by with very little - and were happier for it. these days there's little tolerance for "just getting by" or anything that smacks of 'mediocre'. Well, great wealth, fame, popularity, success, achievement - people are now selling their souls for, busting their guts for.

    I'm NOT saying we sit on our backside and do nothing.......of course not...... it's all a question of what we prioritise. I had the fortunate experience of seeing life all wrong in many ways, and was brought low by my failure. However, that is not the end of the story - and all because of deeper insight that only happened because of the search to find another way through. I promise you, it is possible, suicide is not the solution honey.
  10. collins

    collins Member

    As a matter of fact I like to help people around me, it makes on feel good and I've always been doing it, but it never brought me the real inside happiness. If I can I try to help anyone who faces the same situation, but it does not change my point of view.
    I've tried different ways of living, but the turth is I am depending on other peoples opinions and attitudes about me. I tried to change this many times already, but it never did. Even if I go on with a completely new life it is still based on my personality and will bring me back to the initial point.
    Also I went to seek spirituality to help me find deeper insight of things but it did not provide me any answers and in the end made me feel worse than in the beginning.
    The point is I know what I want my life to look like, but I've failed many times to reach it. I don't want any other. If you see me az lazy and giving up person, you just join all those around me and I don't blame you. But nothing brings me excitment and joy anymore, not sports, not hobbies, not people, not relationships, not love. Nothing even gives me strength to get out of bed in the morning. I just watch thetime to pass by. And I'm tired of it.
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    sounds like you're really have all the symptoms...
    depression is an illness that can be treated.

    Have you tried meds? psychologist? psychiatrist? If you have and they weren't helpful keep looking until you find one who is..
    don't give up..while ever you're here there's hope..

    I encourage you to seek more help and postpone your decision...:hug:
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I agree!!
  13. collins

    collins Member

    I have tried psychiatrist and received medication. I wasn't expecting it to solve my problem and it didn't. I did it mostly because I was asked to do so. I've read several books about topic of life happiness and motivation, also without a positive outcome. I'd keep searching for other help, but my surrounding (family & friends) do not support it as they think I made everything up...
    World is certainly a nice place and I want to have life my way, but I'm not able to reach and not moving forward makes my failure only more intense.
  14. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Well, I don't see you as a lazy and giving up person at all, I see you as someone who is asking a lot of questions about life and your real identity. I also have had experience about "spirituality" not providing me with the help I was needing, but I now understand the reasons for that........

    I also crashed extremely badly, but through the crash have come to understand that even at our very worst that we could not dare imagine was possible, there is still our Maker who is in love with us, although our circumstances and beliefs would seem to contradict this - it is an objective fact, regardless of one's feelings.

    It is certainly possible to integrate our past with its conclusions, and to learn a new way of thinking. I write this to help with the hope........ real hope is a wonderful motivator, once we can begin to see a chink of difference, honey :)
  15. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're family and friends aren't more supportive collins..others don't seem to understand unless they've been ''there'' themselves

    this is your life that's important so please don't give up because others don't 'get' how you feel.

    moving forward might be just getting some more help at this point until you feel better able to do what you want in life with some better coping strategies in place
    psychologists are good at teaching those skills..perhaps your psychiatrist could talk to your family(with you there) to get them to better understand how you feel and support you more..
    It's ok to postpone the date and try, try, try again...
    there have been some positive stories on here that people have waited that bit longer and positive things have happened for them and they are pleased they didn't leave...
    I wish that for you too..:hug:
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