Goodbye

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kadeo, Oct 23, 2012.

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  1. Kadeo

    Kadeo New Member

    Hi guys. I'm 17, and already, have no clue what to do anymore. I've decided that it's best for me to end my life. A quick rundown of my situation would be this; I have lost most, if not almost all of my friends. The girl I've loved for years, even when she broke up with me and fell in love with another guy, even when she told me she might be pregnant, I still loved her, and she's all but moved on from me. I've been kicked out of my house, and living with the only friend I really have left. My family has all but dis-honned me. I have not talked to any of them in months. I sit around, contemplating what to do with my life all day, and I honestly can't see it going any further. I've tried, and tried. And every time I try, I get knocked down. I've picked myself up enough... I'm finally done with it all. For anyone else reading this, that's considering suicide, just hold on. It didn't work for me, but it doesn't mean it wont for you. We're all dealt cards in life, some of us just get a crappy hand....
     
  2. three44

    three44 Member

    Please don't stop. We are all listening. Pick your self up one more time, please. You are 17, and have your whole life ahead of you. I too was dealt a crappy deal and at 17 I had the same feelings, but many things have changed and many good things have happened. There is hope and possibilitiy of a good life.
    Pick yourself up again, and try again. We are limitless in our human nature. I know it hurts, but we care, I care. Please do not give up just yet.
     
  3. Kadeo

    Kadeo New Member

    I just don't see why though. Every time I manage to pick myself up again, I just get knocked down 3 notches. I was okay, and could mull through life, I could put on a smile, and pretend everything was alright. But the thing that hurts the most is, knowing I have nobody. Especially with the girl I love. I tell her how I feel, and I just happen to be the guy she goes to with problems with the guy she loves now. Everything just hurts to much, and I just want the hurt to stop. After day in, and day out, hoping, praying that something would change, I see nothing will. I only see my life getting progressively worse... And I can't take it anymore.
     
  4. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Part of the reason why you are getting knocked down 3 nothces is:

    You have some hope, yes... but the issue is, is that your hope is in the bigger things. Those bigger things fail you, and then you have no idea where to go from there. Every human being must also have smaller hopes to back up the big ones, otherwise whenever the big hopes fail, what is there that is left for them again? How do they get the courage to pick themselves up again, what would be the point again? (etc and so forth and rinse and repeat, as you know). Smaller hopes need to be present, so that you don't lose sight of being alive and life itself... which you have. Smaller hopes are things that give you a sense of renewal when you see them, or remind you that everything is NOT just a huge crapstorm with no way out, and no light whatsoever.

    Hope, is something that must be nourished, and many sort of expect it to magically sustain itself and be there... but don't realize that we must LEARN to look for it, and LEARN to notice it, and LEARN how to effectively have hope in our lives. Hope can be lost, when that is not done. Hope can be destroyed, when we do not do this either. Hope, of course, is the only thing that keeps any human being from ultimately killing themselves the first moment they even get the idea that life just stinks.

    So, in other words, you tell yourself "This better work, otherwise I can't live like this". It's an "end all/be all" kind of thought process, that ultimately sets you up for failure no matter what, because you are believing that you must succeed, otherwise your life depends on this. I can only imagine the number of times you must have done this kind of thing in your life, where you relied heavily on one or even just a few major things to work out, and telling yourself as long as that does... everything else will be ok, even if other things are going wrong... as long as this one thing works out, I can live.

    With this girl, you need to draw boundaries. She, as a human being, will basically act on whatever boundaries you do or do not have... such as confiding in you about personal things in her life. She feels that she is allowed to do this, because you are not drawing boundaries.

    Telling her your feelings, is not drawing boundaries either, it's just stating how your state is when it comes to a certain concern... but it's not clearly acting in a manner that would tell her "stop doing this". To get her to stop doing it, you must clearly tell her that you need her to either:

    A) Tone it down--> I can't be the guy that swoops in and fixes everything for you, each time something goes wrong. You either learn to start handling your problems, instead of asking some random guy to always pick up the pieces for you everytime you make a mistake, or you start to discuss these things with your actual partner, who YOU chose to be with so that you don't have to come to me with this stuff.

    B) OR, I Will stop meeting you/answering your calls until you get the hint that I am not your dumping grounds for your relationship issues -- Sounds heavy, but sorry hun, I care about YOU.... but YOU are not caring about yourself enough here, nor are you caring about how I feel in this situation either.

    Draw clear boundaries... don't tell... DO. People respond to what you DO more than what you say. Actions speak louder than words, as the saying goes.


    It sounds like if you get a bit more assertive in some areas (as you have been in other areas of your own life, asserting that no one really likes you or cares about you, asserting that your life will forever be bad etc...)... then your life might just become different than you were expecting.
     
  5. not2serene

    not2serene Member

    Hi Kadeo.

    Sorry you're feeling so bad. I can relate to a lot of what you say. It really hurts when it seems nobody cares. I feel the same way, that things will never get better. I wish I could promise that it would.

    I was about your age when I started feeling this way...about 20 years later, I still feel that way often. I recently began working w/ a new therapist & there may be something there. It doesn't fix my problems or take away the pain, but does give me a chance to talk to someone who listens w/o judgment. It's never easy to ask for help, but have you ever tried? Just reaching out here is a great step. Though you may not find all the answers here, you'll find people who care. I hope you give us, & yourself, a chance.

    Hang in there.
     
  6. Kadeo

    Kadeo New Member

    The problem with her is, that I truly do still love her. I just want her to be happy, even if it's not with me, even if it tears me apart inside. I care about her more than I do myself. She too, like myself, has suicidal tendencies. She's tried to take her life multiple times, and as well, is an avid cutter. We where in a very long relationship, years in fact, and even after we broke up, I was always there for her. I'm really one of the only people she can go to. In the end, I love her enough to put her needs before mine, to put my emotions to the side and help her out, no matter what. And as far as the hopes go, I do have small hopes, and yes it feels nice to achieve some of these things, but that said, it's just not enough to balance out the many loses every day. I go into each day hoping, praying that one thing, just one thing will go right, and sadly a majority of the time, not even that happens. Thank you guys. Thank you all for the nice words, and the kind suggestions. It really does mean a lot to me. I simply just don't want to be in this pain anymore.
     
  7. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Loving someone does not mean that boundaries don't have to be in place... it's when boundaries are not in place between two people that it turns into the most extreme and deadly kind of relationship. I am sure you understand on a level what I just said... if you did not understand... then look deeper, because failure to draw boundaries, means that there are no limits anymore... no limits for the good, but ESPECIALLY no limits for the bad.
     
  8. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Also, smaller hopes don't have to be achieved... smaller hopes are not things you can achieve, but just things you will feel, believe, and know... they are not things you have to earn, or obtain... that's what makes them different from bigger hopes.
     
  9. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    On a final note of my notes here in this thread, is the fact that you mentioned this girl is already suicidal, self harms, and many other things going on here. I got the impression from what you said, that you two possibly have shared that area of your lives together with each other... which means if you kill yourself, she might go do that too.

    Just throwing that out there. What is she going to do either, when this person she had been relying on, her "fixer/helper" guy in her life (her pivotal person, that she just doesn't realize that you ARE this to her yet), leaves?

    The answer to what she is going to do, is in your response... she can't even handle her own relationships, and has to get others to fix them for her. Imagine how she would handle the death of someone she knew?
     
  10. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    Even if you can find one thing each day to hold on for it'll be worth holding on :hug: Here if you need to talk :hug:
     
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