Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Leeuwerik, Oct 26, 2013.

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  1. Leeuwerik

    Leeuwerik Member

    I keep wondering what will be after death. Is there heaven? Hell? Nothing? Or will you be a ghost, still living on the earth, but unable to talk to anybody. I am scared for the after death, but yet, I am more afraid of my life.

    I feel lonely, misunderstood, and so much more, but I just can't find the right words for all the emotions I feel. How am I unable to relate feelings with emotions? I know I am sad and lonely and unhappy, but there are so much more feelings inside me, that it hurts me.

    I just wish I could give up. End my life and rest. I need to rest. My friend already found his rest, I hope that I will find it soon. Maybe I will see him again, maybe there's only darkness. But I am convinced that death is better than my life has ever been and will ever be.

    Until a week ago, I still had hope for a better life. Now it's all gone. I am actually satisfied with the idea that soon I won't be here anymore. And even though it gives me some rest in my head, it scares me. Because it also means I have to give up all the beautiful moments in my life. The moments with my friends and family. And my dog, I will have to miss my dog, and I love him soooo much.. But still, these moments can't change my mind. I feel sorry, but that feeling is not enough.

    But then there are the commitments I have made. Can I just let it go? I am a board member of my study association. I made a commitment to stand up for the association for a whole year. Still 11 months left. Things like this keep me living for a little while longer, but I don't think it will keep me alive for the rest of my life.

    So, I made an agreement with myself. As long as I can hold on, I will, so that I can enjoy the good moments in my life as long as I can. But when I feel the time is right and I have to let go, I will. And in the meantime, I will have my goodbye notes ready.

    I don't need any reaction. I just had to write it down.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just here and listening if you ever feel like talking.
  3. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    I think I know the feeling. I have been there before, Words can't express, I know that. I'm sorry you feel this way. I hope it get better for you.
    When you feel so low, just think about the happy moment in life, happiest moment maybe. That, can happen again as long as you're alive. hard to believe, yes, but it does happen.

    Also, you have a commitment, I'm personally will do what I said, if I say I have to be committed, no matter what I will do it, no matter how hurtful it is for me. I can't say the same for you, but I hope you consider holding up onto that position, and do what you need to do.

    I can only hope things will get better for you :(

  4. sweetles

    sweetles Well-Known Member

    i admire your logical and sensible approach. that's my goal as well.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear you and i do hope you start to have more good moments that will help you hold on a life time hun
  6. Leeuwerik

    Leeuwerik Member

    NeverSunset, When it comes to commitments, I do whatever I can to do it. I hold on to the commitment as long as I need to. But I don't know if I can do that. I might seem logical and sensible as Sweetles say, but that's only a part of me. Sometimes when I feel really sad and depressed and suicidal, I do things I don't remember. A few days ago I 'woke up' somewhere in a public garden, holding a knife. I still don't know how I got there. But it scares me. What if I kill myself before I 'wake up'?
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