I keep wondering what will be after death. Is there heaven? Hell? Nothing? Or will you be a ghost, still living on the earth, but unable to talk to anybody. I am scared for the after death, but yet, I am more afraid of my life. I feel lonely, misunderstood, and so much more, but I just can't find the right words for all the emotions I feel. How am I unable to relate feelings with emotions? I know I am sad and lonely and unhappy, but there are so much more feelings inside me, that it hurts me. I just wish I could give up. End my life and rest. I need to rest. My friend already found his rest, I hope that I will find it soon. Maybe I will see him again, maybe there's only darkness. But I am convinced that death is better than my life has ever been and will ever be. Until a week ago, I still had hope for a better life. Now it's all gone. I am actually satisfied with the idea that soon I won't be here anymore. And even though it gives me some rest in my head, it scares me. Because it also means I have to give up all the beautiful moments in my life. The moments with my friends and family. And my dog, I will have to miss my dog, and I love him soooo much.. But still, these moments can't change my mind. I feel sorry, but that feeling is not enough. But then there are the commitments I have made. Can I just let it go? I am a board member of my study association. I made a commitment to stand up for the association for a whole year. Still 11 months left. Things like this keep me living for a little while longer, but I don't think it will keep me alive for the rest of my life. So, I made an agreement with myself. As long as I can hold on, I will, so that I can enjoy the good moments in my life as long as I can. But when I feel the time is right and I have to let go, I will. And in the meantime, I will have my goodbye notes ready. I don't need any reaction. I just had to write it down.