Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lentil Illness, Feb 2, 2007.
I could write it all for you.
lentil.. come back..
PLease don't leave permanently.:sad: Leave the site if you must, but don't leave this world. Please. Remember that you're coming to visit me in the States this summer.:smile: Please hang on. If love and friendship and hugs could rescue you, you'd be feeling better already.:smile: Please don't do anything that can't be undone. Please. I would never forgive myself for not having been able to keep you alive and well.:sad:
love and hugs from your friend forever,
I can't live just for the sake of other people.
Oh the solace of death.
How do you know death will bring solace? We know for a fact that it will bring misery to the people who care about you. Most of them will spend the rest of their life blaming themself, feeling they should of done more, etc., etc. What good can come of that? But putting that aside, from all the hundreds of thousands of people who have had near death experiences, we have to know that this life is not all there is to it. What if deliberately taking our life, at the great peril and lasting misery of others, doesn't take us to this place of "solace" that you long for?
You are right Alison, you can't keep holding on for other people. You must hold on for yourself. We all would like to think you could hold on for us, but the reality is, it has to be for you. You are a very wonderful person. I admire you and respect you. Although that really does not probably mean anything to you, it should help to show you that you are worthy of being loved. Love yourself as much as the many at SF do. Give yourself a fighting chance and don't give up. No one knows for sure what death is really like. People have NDE, but they cannot say what the finality is. We would like to think it will bring us peace because that is our hope. We want light at the end of the tunnel. Reality may be completely different. Maybe it is worse than than what we have here. I do not know. I wish I did. What I do know is that I really want to see you safe and happy someday. Safe now, happy anytime beginning with the present. Hold on Alison. For you. :hug:
:hug: Hold on Alison
I dont know you Lentil but did try speaking to you in chat last night with limited success, listen to these people before you make any final decisions, they appear to care and prove that you may not be as alone as you think.
Please try to hang in there. Death is not going to bring you the peace you want, you need to be in peace with life, yourself, mental illness and learn and recover or be in recovery. That will bring you the peace you want, not death. So, please try and hang in there. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: We care and are here for you :hug: :hug:
You are right: you cannot live for other people, it's got to be for yourself. I'm sorry for seeming selfish in trying to keep you here.:sad: Please forgive me.:sad: I meant you no harm.
are you still here?!
I know your hurting a lot right now and I wish it would all go away and you'd just wake up and everything would be better. That's the general idea behind most suicide plans... that life would stop therefore the hurting would stop, the people, the situations, all the things that oiverwhelm us would go away, all the feelings would go away.. we would be free. THIS IS NOT TRUE.
THIS IS A BELIEF. My dad believes we never made it to the moon, that the whole thing was filmed on earth, etc. BELIEF is not TRUTH.
The whole damn thing just gets so overwhelming, so painful, so hopeless and we feel so helpless.. like it's going to happen anyway sooner or later, or like no one really will care anyway, or they'll all understand in the end because of all the pain we were having. The mind finds a thousand reasons to justify what we want. WHAT WE WANT!
But really WHAT YOU WANT IS PEACE. You want to stop hurting, to stop having to face the same misery and trials your facing, for some kind of justice and some long awaited poayback for all thats gone wrong. DEATH is not now, nor has aver been, the answer.
(I'm not dead.. how do I know?) The same way you know. you just know. And we've seen the pain left in others, have felt that pain. Suicidal thinking is a compulsive thought searching for peace. The mind begins to believe that peace is reachable in death, it's not.
How do we reach peace!?? Isn't that the better question? How do we learn to love our life, love ourselves, become free of depression and anxiety and ENJOY LIFE?
Just one day at a time. One happy moment, one peaceful moment, one good situation, one bad situation, one moment of despair, one moment of grief, one moment of emotional torment, one moment of unexplainable joy. Because the moments change and so do the feelings, thoughts and situations.
THEY CHANGE! With depression like we have we have to actually Look for a Make those changes sometimes, and it's hard. I know its so very hard. But if your reading this, then your on the internet. I want you to surf the net on the following topic: puppies. What is that one topic that for you makes you crack a smile.. they're so cute or its so beautiful or they're so nice. YOU WILL FEEL DIFFERENTLY.
One moment at a time. Please don't leave us. :cheekkiss: :hug: :flowers:
I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and hope that you're 'ok' and safe. I miss seeing you around the forum and look forward to more of your poems.
I was glad to see you in chat the other night Lentil. I do hope you will let us know more about how things are going for you. I am thinking about you. :hug:
Thank you for all of your kind thoughts and words.
I am still here and hanging on as best I can. Though it seems hopeless.
I know that my demise will kill more than just the one.
And death will come soon enough.
I am happier than I can express that you're hanging on. Yes, your demise would hurt more than just the one - it would bring great sorrow to someone in Ohio who loves you very much.
You have more strength than you realize. I can send you some of mine if you need it!:smile:
I'm glad your still holding on. I can empathize with how difficult it is for you right now because I have been there too.
Sometimes it helps me, when I am chronically thinking and visualizing and planning suicide, to pull my mind back to the list of "things I want to accomplish before I die".
It's not an impressive list, its really little things. But when I accomplish, even the little things, that previously I had labeled "impossible" I feel a sense of accomplishment and control. A bit of control over myself and my life brings me a little sense of hope.
For me, In this order helps:
1). Leave my apartment and sit outside in the gazebo with my little dog Dixie.
there are times when that seems like an impossible step to me, fear of leaving my apartment, the awkwardness of others seeeing me and wondering what they are thinking, the uncomfortableness of the cold weather.
2). Take a warm bath or shower with scented candles, bubbles, and relaxing music. The lights are off, I'm in the dark and afterwards I put scented lotion on. I never look in the mirror or see myself, because it's dark, and so my other senses: touch, smell, hearing are heightened and I am not distracted by my terrible self hatred. Music, scented candles and a bath / shower.
3). Read a book I like. (Ideally if you can purchase a new one that looks and sounds really good thats even better) So i sit down in my comfy chair, (usually after my shower) And I have a relaxing drink like hot cocoa, mint tea, sometimes a koolaide slushy.. some drink or snacks (like chocolates) that feel soothing. and I curl up under a blanket and read. sometmes I have Enya in the background singing.
I'm usually sleepy at this point and either a nap or going to bed occcurs. But I think about something bigger I want to accomplish. Something bigger but I can still finish by tomorrow. (just some examples)
a.) For example.. a puzzle., (Ideally a new one),
b). a drawing or painting (I've been in such a slump with that lately though.) So even a "bad" drawing or painting counts.. I tell myself it's just a color study or such.
c). A CALL to a friend or family member. Nothing serious, just to hear there voice. Once it starts becoming an anxiety provoking convo I say I have to go. The idea is to have one pleasant and comfortable conversation. If you can go out to have coffee/tea with someone, so much the better.
And then I remind myself: Death is a certainty for ALL of us. I don't have to think about it, or plan it, or worry about it. I can as good as take it off my list of things I will or am trying to do. Because, it will happen one day. So I let go of it and I keep thinking about things I can and would like to accomplish. Things that are not certain but I have some control over. Things that may bring me peace and comfort in the here and now. They become my priority and mission in life to try to accomplish.
luliby, that is great advice. i might keep that list around