Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ket93, Mar 1, 2009.

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  1. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    I cant take this pain anymore. I was hanging on by a thread thinking that there was still a chance for me and my BF, but talking to him on the phone today proved differently and I think he is happier without me. He said I put him through so much and that we are broke up, which before I thought we were just taking a break. Either way, he will not even agree to see me. It hurts my very much. I cant take this pain anymore and the constant crying. I cant take the deep feeling of hurt and rejection by the only person I ever really loved and wanted to be with.
    I appreciate everyone here who tried to help me and talk to me. It meant a lot.
    I just wish he were holding me right now. That is all I want.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Essentially now you need to go through a grieving process because you have lost someone very important to you. It's very natural to feel wretched, and sad, vile and many other negative emotions. However, with any sort of grief, with time, it does ease, especially with the right sort of help.

    I really hear how bad you feel, but ending your life is not the only option you have here, it's definitely not the best option. Imagine how bad your ex partner would feel if he realised you killed yourself over him, I'm sure that if you love him you wouldn't want him to feel that wretched pain. Whatever your current situation with him, he is human and you and he have a history and he would be definitely affected.

    Is there anyone you can call? Anyone you can get company with?

    Just try to take each minute as it comes, and don't look further ahead than that.
  3. Mandy1

    Mandy1 Antiquities Friend & Senior Member

    Im sorry you feel this bad,i just want to say im thinking of you,and please dont hurt yourself keep posting it will help x
  4. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    After talking to him today he sounded so cold and I was just crying my heart out to him. I know that things were not perfect for us but I dont feel like i was so horrible that he now will not even see me. I just dont understand how you could still love someone and not want to see them.
    As far as him being hurt by me being gone, I dont believe that for one minute. He has seemed to get over me so fast, in two weeks. So why would it bother him if I was gone forever?
    He is obviously happy without me now, and I cannot take the loss and the pain anymore. I love him too much and cannot even talk to him.
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Sometimes people react in ways that we wouldn't, and it can be hard to understand why. Maybe it causes him so much pain that you broke up that he can't bare that pain. It's an unknown really unless you are able to communicate with him. Often we make assumptions about how people act, but often those assumptions are not actually accurate, so maybe you're presuming things about how he feels because how he has acted is different from how you would/might act in the same situation.

    I do really feel for you, and really hear your distress and grief at being alone and abandoned. I hope that you can seek some company with someone because it sounds like you really need someone right now.
  6. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    I am talking to my best friend online but all she can tell me is that I need to get through this somehow and she obviously does not understand the pain. She said she does but this is so deep. I cannot deal with it. I dont want to leave my girls. I really dont. But I cant stand this pain anymore either and I just want to be with him. She says I should just go on with my life and not be worried about him but how can you not be worried about someone when you love them so much? He was what I had waited on my whole life and now that I do not have him I dont think I could ever be the same.
  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    She sounds quite scared for you. Sometimes though, people say things like telling you you need to get through it somehow, and actually they can see why you feel so bad, but are actually trying to be encouraging. What it can do though, is invalidate how bad you feel.

    Grief on any level goes deep, and it is very incredibly painful. Right now it's very fresh and so very painful, but it doesn't always stay that way.

    Your two girls are your daughters? Its good you don't want to leave them. If you can't fight for you, fight for them. The grief you feel for this man will only be passed to your children, if you do end your life. Could you maybe go and get some company with them? Get some cuddles? If they are in bed, maybe just go and lay with them?
  8. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    My girls are older. They are 16 and 14. My oldest is home and all she knows is I am hurt and upset and knows why but doesnt understand fully the pain. My other daughter is at a friends house. They both need me I know that. And that is the part that is killing me so bad.
    I cant seem to think about anything but him and maybe that is being selfish I dont know? But I love him and all I can do is keep thinking about the memories. I have so many with him even though we were only together a year.
    he was all I ever wanted or needed. I guess because of my own issues deep down I messed up and asked for too much from him and it ended up being the reason we broke up ...
    I just wish he would give me one last chance.
  9. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I've just read your other thread, and to be honest, it doesn't sound like he is gone forever. It sounds like he cares for you, but that he needs time to sort his head out, but that once he has done that, things might change. I guess part of having any relationship is being able to respect what the other person needs, so maybe you can respect that right now he needs space, but that doesn't mean he always will?

    I really, really appreciate that right now it feels like forever, but that doesn't mean it will be forever. No one knows either way right now, not me, you, him or anyone else.
  10. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    It didnt seem like forever either just yesterday we were talking and joking on text and I felt farely good. But then he went out with some friends last night and I never heard from him today so I started to worry and I texted him around 12:30 and asked if I could call him. He called me and we talked for a few min then I asked the same thing I guess I have asked him before. I asked if we were really broke up or still together. When he said broke up it just broke me heart.
    So as the conversation progressed, I realized just how hurt and upset he was. All I could do was cry of course. I wish i was stronger but Im not right now. I love him so much and just want some kind of hope there saying there is a small chance for us. And even though he has said he had hope for us before and that there is a chance today for some reason just felt different.
    He told me that he could not tell me anything right now and obviously could not even agree to seeing me even for just a few hours. I told him I did not understand how two people can fix something when all he is going on is the past and how it was and when he cant even see me and try to move on.
    So at this point I am simply crushed. I felt decent yesterday but I think now I am just so devastated that I dont know what to do or how to react. I thought about sending him an email just to try and explain my feelings better but I feel like if it had no affect on him talking to me on the phone while I was crying then what good would a email do?
    I just dont know what to do right now. I feel so heartbroken. I feel as though I am simply unable to do anything.
  11. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    Im going to go through what pills I have now and hopefully take enough that I will not feel anymore pain like this. I know that nothing can stop this pain, I will be forever hurt and heartbroken. I love him so much. I wish he really knew just how much. And I wish he would believe me when I say it would not be the same way it was if he would just give me another chance. Maybe I dont deserve anymore chances? I had told him I wanted it to be over before. I didnt really, I just wanted things to be better and I have never had a good relationship so I did not know how to have one with him. I know that is no excuse but it is all I have right now to understand the situation.
    I love him. And I love my girls and my two best friends. I dont want to do this, I really dont. But I know I cannot deal with not having him anymore either.
  12. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    If you end your life then you are choosing to end the relationship not him. Currently, it sounds like he wants to take a break, which is not permanent.

    If you don't want to do it, which you clearly don't, then don't do it. Seek professional help to help you deal and cope with the pain, seek actual physical company, go to your local hospital to talk to someone. You don't want to do it, so you owe it to yourself (and your kids) to not do it.
  13. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    I have been seeing a counselor but it really does not seem to help. Maybe I have not been seeing her long enough. I dont know? And maybe I waited too long into our relationship before I got the help I needed? But that is something I cannot change now.
    All I know is that I want to talk to him but feel like I cant even do that.
    I wanted to wait on him but after hearing him talk today I feel like there is no hope. He got so upset with me just because I brought up things again and I cant help I need a little reassurance or some kind of hope to hold on to. Maybe he doesnt need that so just assumes that I dont either?
    but he knows better and he knows me better. He knows that I love him and need him so why would he be doing this to me? I understand he wants to be happy again but does he hate me that much that he thinks that he cannot be happy with me ever again??
    I have thought a lot about this and I cant do this anymore. I have went through a lot in my life and I know I am not the only one, but I have had failed relationships, as I know we all have. And I just found someone that I would have been so happy to spend the rest of my life with and I lose him over my own stupid issues.
    I cant deal with that. Knowing I had something I wanted and have always wanted so bad, then knowing that I lost it because of my problems and issues.
  14. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Maye you could write him a letter? Not to give to him right now, but maybe as a therapeutic way to release what you feel? Maybe with time you can give it to him, but right now you need to respect that he needs space.

    I'm glad you are seeing a counsellor. Are you able to contact her/him out of hours? It takes time for counselling to help, and when you get a crisis like this you need the counselling to help you work through the pain because counselling doesn't diminish the pain, just helps you work through it.
  15. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    I want to write him a goodbye letter. I know words do not mean anything but I want to try to tell him how i felt about all of this...
    And I could contact my counselor now if I wanted to. But I dont. I dont want to try and have anyone else talk me out of this like my best friend tried to. I know she just cares, but it is hard to make someone understand the real pain you are going through if they have never been there....
  16. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    How are you doing today?
  17. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Hey Ket,

    I too have been going thru the heartbreak of a relationship ending. With the age of your kids it sounds like you are around my age.

    I know your pain. My relationship ended after 20 year of marriage.

    You know....there is not a day that goes by when I don't miss her. And there are certain days when the pain becomes almost unbearable.
    But, I have also learned that now is my is the time when I get to do stuff for me.

    I may not be the best person to offer advice (just look at my siggy) lol, however...I have been where you are.

    And who knows....maybe as you and I recover....well your in Indiana, I'm in Illinois....ya never know what the future holds.

    I wish you the very best of luck and feel free to pm me if you want to talk.
  18. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Hi Ket :hug:

    It sounds just awful, what you're going through. Hun, you're not going to feel any better by hurting yourself. You aren't going to make your bf change his mind by hurting yourself. Please wait until the pain passes - I know it seems silly to say, but the pain and grief of losing a loved one - through death or separation- does pass on.

    And you can love again. Suicide will only permanently make a monument of your grief. But if you live through the pain. If you live with the pain, then you can make a monument to your strength and happiness and love.

    Please understand that suicidal urges are self-destructive and bad. Please listen to your friends and family when they say how much they love you and want you around.

    We're here for you to express your grief.

  19. ket93

    ket93 Well-Known Member

    I am getting cabin this weekend and will do it there. I would not want my kids to find me at home... I know that does not mean much but after the weekend and today, I cannot bear anymore....
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