Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cutiepie132, Aug 27, 2011.

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  1. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I'm leaving, and I know I said that I never would, but I have to. I just wanted to tell all of you that I love you and I will always have you in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for supporting me.
  2. TheOncomingStorm

    TheOncomingStorm Well-Known Member

    Whats going on to make you feel as though you have to leave?
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun now is not time to leave hun it is time to hold on even tighter okay please call crisis line or go to hospital please okay. Let us know how youare do not isolate from the people who care about you hugs
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I also would like to know why you want to leave?
  5. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    I think cutie just needs a break - but I'm in touch.

    Well - sometimes you get get triggered here - and need that break - so lets hope that the goodbye is just a gap between the next hello as we do care about what s going on and hope very much that things get better.

    Think about it - you could read one post here or elsewhere - and it really can hit hard. I think cutie - Mary has really done a lot here despite her own things going on. I mean been kind to a lot of people here and put herself out for others in a big way.

    I guess in that case - its advisable to take a break - but try and keep in touch with someone.

    And we accept things here - no?

    But worry also as its only natural that a friend saying goodbye kind of throws you back a little sometime if its sudden.

    but I hope very she will be back and hope this allays some worries.

    But feel free to add your voice of support here to someone who is a good person at heart - and a great asset to the forum for sure.
  6. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I do understand if you have to take a break, and I hope you feel better soon.
  7. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Hello,I'm not sure how to use this. Should i be writing this elsewhere,I don't wanna be butting in on a conversation.
  8. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi Mark,

    Here is a link where you can create a thread for newcomers - the "Welcome" sub-forum. I hope that is helpful! If you need any help getting around this site, I'd be happy to help! :)


    Mr. A
  9. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    You butt in all you want Mark.

    And I'm sorry I said I was leaving. I'm scared because I don't want to hurt anyone with bad advice, or coming on too strong in trying to help, I just think I'm learning right now, and I just want to know if I open my big mouth, that I say the right thing, not the wrong one.
  10. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi Mary,

    You've been really helpful here from what I've seen.. what comes to mind immediately is how you have supported Meme333 so much. :hug: Like many say, there's going to be an adjustment period, and that's to be expected when you join something unlike anything else you have been a part of before.


    Mr. A
  11. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry michael that I didn't tell you what I did today. I don't want to see you upset over it.. So I kept it to myself.

    But I was depressed, I knew if I drank, what would probably happen, the two doesn't mix well. I took an overdose of two medications, one with the potential to be fatal.

    That is why my kidney's hurt & keep burning.

    I had this peace come over me that I can't even describe. Passed out and went to sleep... Woke back up sick as always but it's carma hey...

    I knew I didn't want to die after I woke up. Then a regular AIM conversation with my son, he ends up all grumpy over nothing, and cusses at me, and tells me to stop texting, so I'm sitting here in tears, and I had to call 911, so I wouldn't try to hurt myself again.

    So I snuck out of here and went to the hospital tonight. I couldn't bring myself to tell the ambulance what I had done. They picked me up over kidney pain and nausea. My blood pressure was 179/99, resp was like 114. I guess that didn't clue them in, or the fact that I had my bag packed to stay up there, I also told them that I talked to my doctor friday to be admitted and he said I needed to go to the ER but they could call him and he'd tell them. Well guess what, no one calls.

    I figure well I can keep the shame from the 911 drivers, I will just have a heart to heart chat with the ER doctor. Hahahahaaa what a joke. I end up stuck with the jackass that saw me in the past, one time he smarted me off and told me not to come there over chronic pain, same ER doc that saw me early this year when I OD'd on ambien where my back pain was so bad, and sends me home with the very same pain medication making me vomit and throw up blood. So you understand my dislike here..

    I got an IV and some saline. A urine test. And he did a physical, and I am sore in both my kidneys. No blood work. May be the first time I've ever been in the ER and didn't get blood work. Came back and told me the rest of my tests were fine (which he didn't FN even do) and said my urine showed an infection, gave me some meds and sends me home. Didn't even bother checking my blood pressure again, and I know it's dangerous high.

    Let's just say the day I open up to that asshole, would of been the day hell freezes over. I couldn't do it. I went with intentions to be admitted, but there was no way in hell I was going to open up to that jerk..

    I do want help. I'll get it, but not through him. I am going to beat this thing. That's a promise. I made a mistake today. I am not going to let myself do that again.
  12. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni



    That ER doctor wasn't very nice... =[ Sorry to hear that you have had such terrible experiences there. Definitely odd... I've always gotten blood work done whenever I've been in the hospital.. here it seems to be required each time I visit the ER. With care and support... Mr. A
  13. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    He's about as dumb as they come.. All I have to say about it.. Anyways, thanks..
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun what matters is that you are trying hun to be supportive not everything i say goes over well either Some people can take things wrong because they are not hearing what is being said so to speak You have a kind heart hun so don't worry okay just do your best that is all anyone can do hugs to you:hugtackles::hugtackles:
  15. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    To know what you say might impact someone's life, that you had the chance to say all the right things but nothing you said made any difference whatsover, overwelming to say the least. Someone may already be headed down a road of self destruction, before you ever darkened their doorstep, but what if you was the person that said something that triggered a suicide attempt?? Sounds like I'm asking how to cope with dealing with this forum doesn't it?? Wow.. I am...

    I'm not okay, and if someone says today is the day, all I can really say at this current moment is how much I understand, or don't forget to take me with you, or something awful as the sort.. I cannot show support while I don't even know if I want to live or not myself. And I know that I said I did earlier, but the confusion is kicking me in the head again, and I don't really know what I want anymore.
  16. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I understand. :hug: I feel like a hypocrite sometimes when I'm not feeling well yet find myself posting on here. As a matter of fact, I think some of us feel that way sometimes.. like for me, I worry every once in a while that what I'm saying might not come across the way I want it.. or I'll have a gut feeling that everything I'm saying sounds generic and insincere... or that I'm bothering people.
  17. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Well everything I say comes straight from my heart. If I say it, you can guarantee that I mean it.

    You seem like a really nice person mr Alex. I'm sure not one person on here has ever thought your words are insincere or that your bothering them..

    I'm sure no one has thought that about me either.

    I guess when you get depressed, you tend to worry too much. Or think things that might not be soo soo.
  18. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Hello Mary,I think your right that when your down you do worry too much. I think things inside out and upside down and end up more confused than I was to begin with. I really wouldn't worry that somebody might end it all because of something you said or that you could have said something to prevent somebody doing it. It's only my opinion but I think that if somebody makes up their mind that it's all over,it's not going to be a consequence of what somebody has written on here.How are you feeling today?
  19. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I feel kind of numb inside. Very confused. I am a little happy I'm alive but if my kidneys shut down on me, I don't know if I'd care. I took a chemo drug, with another medication, and I'm not sure what it's doing to me, other than knowing I'm having kidney problems at the moment, the ER didn't do any blood work, but considering what I did, I seem to be doing fairly okay.

    I think I'll call my doctor tomorrow and have him put me back on an antidepressant.

    It's almost like battling two personalities. One wants to make it through this, and the other doesn't really give a shit what happens.

    I'm just sad.
  20. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    I know exactly what you mean re:two personalities. I have the one side that knows I could maybe improve my situation a little,that would love to meet someone special blah blah blah... But then the stronger part of me that sold my home,gave up work and started spending money like water because I couldn't care less about the future. I figured that once I'd spent all my money I'd end it all.That time is close at hand now and I feel kind of scared but still feel it's the logical ending for me.I tried anti depressants for two years then stopped taking them 6 months ago and I feel no different so that's a little weird.
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