Gosh this is Hard

Let me start off by saying I am a disabled veteran. I volunteered to go to war to make sure my family would be safer in the future and I could make sure I could support them. When I went over I sacrificed everything for my family. I killed people, I got shot at, I had mortars fall all around me. I had problems when I came home and did not tell no one. I suffered for six years until I could not take it anymore and got help. Once I did I was medically retired out of the military. I kind of wish I died defending my country over there. I have a beautiful wife and six wonderful kids. My wife came home from vacation and kicked me out because I refused to get anymore help. She tried and was the most loving person, I made things worse when she told me this. I called her a *****, slut and all kinds of stuff in front of my kids because I didn't know what I was doing. I am trying to win my wife back so hard but it is so hard. I have decided the day I sign divorce papers I will probably <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. I can not I repeat can not let this happen, I am getting help now but I still think it is to late. She is not talking about divorce unless I am arguing with her. I am now taking medication that helps and just give her, her space. I have been with her for twelve and a half years and she is one of the most beautiful things I ever have seen. We have been through a lot together. But I already have a plan to end it of it ends in a divorce I won't be able to live with myself after what I did to make her stop loving me.

 

Don't blame yourself please. You've been through incredible pain. Sometimes out of pain we can't act the way we would want to to loved ones. I notice the same thing when I'm screaming to family since I can't bare the pain of all the problems anymore. I do love them a lot, but if pain and problems are so overwhelming and paralyzing, it is very difficult to act to them like you'd want to: in a loving way. Don't blame yourself anymore. Is there any way you could search for a therapist/counselor after all? If you can try to show your wife that you do everything in your ability currently to make a change, that might give her some hope for the future too. I hope for you that things will work out with your wife. Please don't come up with a plan how you'd harm yourself would things not work out with your wife. Fight for yourself, for your kids that I'm sure love you a lot, and need their father. A virtual hug, I'm hoping for you things will improve.