'Got A Joke Or A Funny To Share?

Discussion in 'Positive Feelings and Motivational Messages' started by FoundAndLost1, Jan 14, 2008.

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  1. :blink: I can't always laugh - wasn't able to for a very very long time, remembering all I've gone through (and knowing what's still ahead).

    But I did rediscover bits of my sense of humour a few months ago (I missed it almost as much as I missed my mind...)

    Hope this will be a successful/helpful thread

    So, ok - I'll start off...

    * * *

    Sherlock Holmes and Watson went camping to get away from it all.
    During the night Sherlock woke Watson and asked him,
    “What do you see?”
    Watson replied, “why I see stars!”
    Sherlock then asked him,
    “and what does that tell you?”
    “Well”, replied Watson,
    “Astrologically, I see millions of stars, and the possibility
    that there are billions of galaxies…
    Theologically, I see that God is great and marvelous
    in his works…
    Meteorogically, I see that the weather tomorrow
    will be clear and fine…”
    Then Watson asked,
    “Mr. Holmes, what do YOU see?”

    Sherlock paused and said,
    “Watson – someone has stolen our tent…”
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2008
  2. Philosophy

    I gaze at the brilliant full moon.
    The same one, I think to myself,
    at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.

    Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me.

    I tell Socrates about the national debate
    over one’s right to die, and wonder
    at the constancy of the human condition.

    I tell Plato that I live in the country that
    has come closest to Utopia, and I show
    him a copy of The Constitution.

    I tell Aristotle that we have found
    many more than four basic elements,
    and I show him a periodic table.

    I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one.
    They all gasp in wonder!

    We spend the rest of the night lighting farts…
  3. Revenge...

    A girl came home just in time to find her boyfriend in bed with
    another woman.
    With superhuman strength born of fury, she dragged her man down the
    stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.
    She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
    Next she picked up a hacksaw.
    The guy terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going
    to... to...cut it off are you?!"
    The girl, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope.
    You are.
    I'm going to set the garage on fire."
  4. Church Light Bulbs


    A) Charismatic: Only one - hands are already in the air anyway.

    B) Roman Catholic: None - they use candles.

    C) Baptist: Change??!!??!!

    D) Pentecostal: Ten - one to change, nine to pray against the spirit of darkness

    E) Presbyterian: None - God has predestined when the lights will be on and off

    F) Anglican: Ten - one to call the electrician, and nine to say how much they like they old one better

    G) Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

    H) Methodists: At least 15. One to change the lightbulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also a casserole.

    I) Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for light bulbs. However, if in your own journey, you have found a light bulb that works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
  5. Best Lawyer Story Yet!

    This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.

    Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

    In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

    The lawyer sued...and won!

    In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

    Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

    After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!

    With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

    This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
  6. Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Only vun. But za lightbulb hesto vant to change!

    :dry: Next...?
  7. A Fairy Tale

    Once upon a time,
    in a land far away,
    a beautiful, independent,
    self-assured princess
    happened upon a frog as she sat,
    contemplating ecological issues
    on the shores of an unpolluted pond
    in a verdant meadow near her castle…
    The frog hopped into the princess' lap
    and said: Elegant Lady,
    I was once a handsome prince,
    until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
    One kiss from you, however,
    and I will turn back
    into the dapper, young prince that I am
    and then, my sweet, we can marry
    and setup housekeeping in your castle
    with my mother,
    where you can prepare my meals,
    clean my clothes, bear my children,
    and forever
    feel grateful and happy doing so.

    That night,
    as the princess dined sumptuously
    on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs
    seasoned in a white wine
    and onion cream sauce,
    she chuckled and thought to herself:

    I don't fucking think so.
  8. 'A Fish Tale' (groan...)

    Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

    The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".

    As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

    Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

    While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.

    He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

    Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

    "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

    Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

    Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked.

    "Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me, I've changed."

    scroll down

    "I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian!"
  9. How To Give A Cat A Pill

    1. Pick cat up and cradle in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
    baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
    and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
    As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
    arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
    paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
    mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
    spouse from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
    rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
    firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
    ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note
    to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
    and vase from hearth.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
    visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
    open with pencil, and blow pill down the drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer
    to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
    from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
    beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck leaving only the head
    showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
    elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
    Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch and apply whiskey compress to cheek to
    disinfect. Check date of last tetanus shot. Fetch a replacement t-shirt
    from bedroom.

    12. Call the fire department to retrieve f------ cat from tree across the
    road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving car to
    avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13. Bind the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
    and tie tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning
    gloves from shed.
    Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of T-bone steak.
    Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down
    throat to wash pill down.

    14. Consume what is left of the scotch on the way to the emergency ward.
    Breathe while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
    fragments from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and call pet shop
    to see if they have any healthy hamsters.
  10. A Reason To Drink

    A man walks into a bar, sits down on a stool and looks the bartender straight in the eye.
    He says, “Bartender, give me 6 double martinis”.
    The bartender, aghast, prepares them and gives the man his order,
    setting them down in front of him in a row.
    The man starts guzzling them down, one after the other, without blinking.
    The bartender, now even more aghast, says to the man,
    “Listen mister – you’re gonna do yourself some harm drinking like that!”
    and the man says,
    “Look, if you had what I had, you’d be chugging them down too…”
    The bartender, now very concerned, asks, “Why? What have you got??”
    The man pauses and answers,
    “63 cents…”
  11. New Math

    From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

    What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
    We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

    Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.


    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    AND - look how far ass kissing will take you!

    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BULLSHIT and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

    Anybody you know who is good at this new math?
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2008

    A Spanish teacher was explaining to the class that in Spanish, unlike
    English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
    "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

    A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
    male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
    "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
    feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
    incomprehensible to everyone else;
    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible
    later retrieval; and
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
    half your paycheck on accessories for it.


    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
    ("el computador"), because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
    ARE the problem; and
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
    little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
  13. At My Age

    I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop writing out a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving an old lady a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-happy nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit.
    He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    I didn't care...
    My car was parked around the corner.
    I try to have a little fun each day.
    It's important at my age.
  14. More Revenge (*warning)

    My husband, a conservation biologist, was sent on a 2 month-long research project in South America, along with a small crew of co-workers. Not long into the trip, I placed my weekly call to the motel they were staying in, but reached one of his female colleages instead of him. She confided in me, begrudgingly, that she had walked in on him getting it on with one of the young natives, a member of the housekeeping staff, and that's probably where he was right then. She made me swear I'd never reveal the source of this heartbreaking news in the event I confronted him about it.

    I thought about my approach to this long and hard and got angrier and angrier the longer I sat on it. After a night of sobbing into numerous glasses of wine, I headed out to a local bar. I had a plan...and I carried it out...

    The rest of the story made its way back to me through the grapevine:
    The day my husband received the care package I sent him, he excitedly shared the tin of homemade cookies with his roommates while they sat down to watch the tape of his favorite sitcoms from home I had recorded for him. Right in the middle of an episode of Southpark, the tape cut into a home video of me, on my knees, giving a stranger oral sex. After a few seconds of tape, the man does his business in my mouth and I turned and spit the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. I looked into the camera and said straight-faced, "By the way, I want a divorce."
  15. #1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 (*warning)

    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
    "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
    tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

    A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

    The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2008
  16. (not a joke, per se, but it made me smile)

    “Caller ID”

    On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone.

    The pastor let the phone ring many times. He thought it was odd that she
    didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few
    minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why
    she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their
    house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways.

    The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office,
    which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he
    spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night.

    The pastor couldn't figure out what the man was talking about. Then the
    man said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor remembered
    the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended
    to call his wife.

    The man said, "That's, OK. Let me tell you my story.

    You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I
    did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this,
    give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the
    caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer!"

    The reason why it showed on the man's caller ID that the call came from
    "Almighty God" is because the church that the pastor attends is called
    Almighty God Tabernacle...
  17. (this one is... well... you'll find out...)

    A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that
    the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping
    out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first
    gas station.

    After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He
    sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
    something cold would really hit the spot.

    He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.
    But having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem...

    The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

    "No, no!" the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream!!"

    * * *

    (sorry! :wink:)
  18. Eleven Religious Views of Life:

    Shit happens.

    Confucius say, shit happens.

    If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

    What is the sound of shit happening?

    This shit happened before.

    If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

    Shit won’t happen if I work harder.

    If shit happens, you deserve it.

    Why does this shit always happen to us?

    I don't believe this shit.

    What is this shit?

    (Source: Anonymous)
  19. Al-Gebra Movement

    Teacher arrested in terror alert

    NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at
    John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to
    board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
    protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At
    a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto
    Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the
    notorious Al-gebra movement.

    He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the
    FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is
    a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by
    means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
    search of absolute values. They use secret code names like
    'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we
    have determined they belong to a common denominator of the
    axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the
    Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three
    sides to every triangle'."

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said,
    "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math
    instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

    White House aides told reporters they could not recall a
    more intelligent or profound statement by the president.
  20. ~ A Buddhist Monk walks up to a New York City hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything".

    The Monk hands the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill into his pocket.

    When the Monk inquires about his change, the vendor replies,
    "Change must come from within!"
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