Got any Jokes?

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by raw, Jan 19, 2005.

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  1. raw

    raw Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm feeling a little down today and good jokes (or bad jokes) tend to bring me up a little. If you have any you would like to share, please do. I especially like lawyer jokes...had some bad experiences with them.

    Rick/raw
     
  2. Writer

    Writer Guest

    A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked: "Can you paint?" "Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter." "Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you're done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth." It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!" he reported with a smile. "Did you do a good job?" she asked. "Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you. That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes!"

    I hope this helps a bit :D
     
  3. raw

    raw Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Not bad, writer. Thanks

    rick/raw
     
  4. Writer

    Writer Guest

    Ok, I just found a lawyer one.

    What do you call an honest lawyer?

    An oxymoron :rolleyes:
     
  5. Smeggy

    Smeggy Member

    What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
    --One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

    How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
    --Their lips move.

    And... How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    --Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

    --The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
    The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
    Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
    Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

    --NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".
     
  6. nurse4va

    nurse4va Guest

    The Pope, The Archbishop of Canterbury, and Jerry Falwell decide to go fishing.

    It became very hot during the day, and the Pope was tired and thirsty. He looked at the other two and said, "There's a sandwich shop on shore. I'm going to go get something, be back later." With that, he climbed out of the boat, and walked on the water, to shore!

    The Archbishop also decided he wanted something cold to drink. He told Jerry Falwell, "I'm thirsty too. I'm going for a drink." And with that, he climbed out of the boat and started to walk on the water towards shore!

    Jerry Falwell thought to himself, "Well, if those two infidels can do it, so can I!" So he climbed out of the boat, and tried to walk, but promptly sank.

    The Archbishop and the Pope had seen this, and the Archbishop turned to the Pope. "Your Holiness, I guess we should have told him about those rocks hidden just below the surface, that he could walk upon?" The Pope, looking shocked, said, "My son, what rocks are you talking about???"

    --Heather
     
  7. Sarah

    Sarah SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

    2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

    3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

    4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.



    5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to! Repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

    6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!"! The man shouted, "This is her husband!"

    7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

    8. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power t hey applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
    (NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.)

    Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
     
  8. bleh

    bleh Guest

    [QUOTE = hopelessanxiety1]8. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power t hey applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
    (NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.)

    Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer![/quote]

    HAHA! I live near that area. That really doesn't surprise me at all. No offense to anyone who lives in Lake Isabella(that's the name of the town, too), but some people there are prime examples of darwin award candidates.
     
  9. raw

    raw Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Thanks, all of the jokes were great!!

    rick/raw
     
  10. gitana

    gitana SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    I don't know if anyone heard this one...

    There was a man who was working on his motorcycle on the patio when he accidentally hit something on his motorcycle and put it in reverse, so, therefore, the motorcycle with him on it crashed through the patio door and ended up in the living room... with gas spilling out on the floor. His wife called an ambulance and he went to Emergency. In the meantime, his wife tried to clean up the living room and wiped up the gasoline with a towel..Threw it into the toilet. In the meantime, her husband came home, he was very lucky. Then he needed to use the toilet. So, he decided to have a smoke and then he threw his cig in the toilet while he was sitting on it.. He didn't know that his wife flushed the towel with gasoline down the toilet...Well, it connected with the gasoline and caught on fire...in which case, he got burnt..She called the ambulance again to take him to the hospital. The same ambulance, the same paramedic's came back. The house happened to be on a hill, hard to get to with alot of stairs going up to the house. So, the two paramedic's had to put him on the stretcher and maneuver down these steep steps to the ambulance. On the way down as they carefully tried to climb down the steps, they asked her what happened this time. She told them and the two paramedic's started laughing so hard, that they accidentally tilted the stretcher a little which caused the guy to fall out of the stretcher and down the flight of stairs. He broke his arm.

    I am not very good at telling jokes.. this is a true story but I got the important parts in and couldn't remember all the details...

    A robber tried to rob a bank and he went up to the teller with a note. Put all the money in a paper bag... She told him that she didn't have a paper bag.. He didn't know what to do and he was embarrassed so he left.. The police caught him later.

    Another robber went to another bank and handed the teller a note that he wanted her to also give him money. She told him that she would have to get approval first by her manager. The bank robber waited and the manager called the police and the guy was arrested.

    Love

    Gitana

    A guy tried to hold up a bank
     
  11. gitana

    gitana SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Sorry, I am so terrible at telling jokes.. I meant to say when the guy threw his cig down the toilet... that because of the gasoline, that it blew up and knocked him off and he was very lucky.

    Love

    Gitana
     
  12. propagandhi

    propagandhi Antiquitie's Friend

    1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
    ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

    2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
    electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
    The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

    3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
    you, but don't start anything."

    4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't
    serve food in here."

    6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
    says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

    8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does
    this taste funny to you?"

    9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
    "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."

    10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to
    Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
    "It's true," exclaimed Daisy, "No bull!"

    11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
    nothing to look at either.

    12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
    cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
    "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

    13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
    couldn't find any.

    14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that
    he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

    15. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

    16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

    18. How come that blind guy's right leg is yellow? His dog is blind
    too!

    19. Grasshopper goes into a bar. The bartender say "Hey, we've got a
    drink named after you!"
    The grasshopper says, "That's stupid. Who'd want a drink named Larry?"

    20. A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer.
    "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
     
  13. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    LOL these are so funny!!

    I'm so crap at remembering jokes. All i can think of is one a colleague made up and it still makes me laugh (only cos he's such an idiot lol)


    What do you call a French sandal?


    Philipe Flopp


    :eek:

    i just saw this and literally cried it's so funny lol:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 2, 2005
  14. MAGS3

    MAGS3 Member

    HI RICK/RAW! I do not know any good jokes, but I hope u feel better soon.
     
  15. simon

    simon Antiquitie's Friend

    an angler walks into a fish shop carrying a salmon,
    "do you make fish cakes?" he asks,
    "yes" comes the reply
    "well", he says pointing to the salmon
    "can you make one for him, its his birthday on saturday"

    :D
     
  16. A blind man comes into a bar with a seeing-eye dog.
    He picks the dog up by his tail, and begins twirling him around in the air.
    The dog start yelping, YIPE YIPE, and immediately the bartender storms over.

    "Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?" he demands.
    The man cooly replies, "Just looking around..."
     
  17. raw

    raw Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Loved all the jokes. I printed the pages.

    Thanks

    Rick/raw
     
  18. simon

    simon Antiquitie's Friend

    what do politicians and babies nappies have in common?

    they both gotta be changed for the same reason :D
     
  19. another me

    another me Guest

    What's brown and sticky?
    A stick.

    Why does Michael Jackson like 28 year olds?
    Because there are 20 of them.

    Two guys walked into a bar. You'd think the second one would have seen it.

    [for the Aussies]
    What's a jelly baby's worst enemy?
    A jelly dingo.
     
  20. raw

    raw Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Could you translate the last one.

    Rick/raw
     
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