I made decision.. I had felt 2009 is my last year of my life. But I'm still here alive. I'm not important to a person I truly love. In 2005, I couldn't say 'No' to him what I didn't want to go through. I never felt suicidal until then. I always had hopes but since 2005, I'm just living physically. My soul has been dead already. I lost cheerfulness I used to have. All I think is my death. I have strong interest in reading suicide articles.. I didn't have any courage to throw myself in to a train or from a bridge. I pictured what if I... so many times every time I walk along side the edge of a platform... I don't want to end up staying at a mental ward so that I couldn't completed other methods which are not 100% guaranteed.. I came back this board again this morning.. Because this festive season hurts me the most last 4 years. I heard so many kids voice from outside.. he has that wonderful thing... even he didn't want my precious one... I made up mind.. I should end all this devastated, distress and despair life asap. It won't change.. This is the 5th year since I felt suicidal and since my life was changed. There was no real life past 4years. I learnt things have been getting worse and worse. There's one of two choices- 1. To continue this unfair life with full of tears 2. To experience struggling and pain until my heart stops. I know I would choose no.2 and I will. No more crying! :stars: sorry about my ranting. please ignore..