Got courage now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kimi, Dec 21, 2009.

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  1. Kimi

    Kimi Well-Known Member

    I made decision.. I had felt 2009 is my last year of my life. But I'm still here alive. I'm not important to a person I truly love. In 2005, I couldn't say 'No' to him what I didn't want to go through. I never felt suicidal until then. I always had hopes but since 2005, I'm just living physically. My soul has been dead already. I lost cheerfulness I used to have. All I think is my death.

    I have strong interest in reading suicide articles..

    I didn't have any courage to throw myself in to a train or from a bridge. I pictured what if I... so many times every time I walk along side the edge of a platform...

    I don't want to end up staying at a mental ward so that I couldn't completed other methods which are not 100% guaranteed..

    I came back this board again this morning.. Because this festive season hurts me the most last 4 years. I heard so many kids voice from outside.. he has that wonderful thing... even he didn't want my precious one...

    I made up mind.. I should end all this devastated, distress and despair life asap.

    It won't change.. This is the 5th year since I felt suicidal and since my life was changed. There was no real life past 4years. I learnt things have been getting worse and worse.

    There's one of two choices-
    1. To continue this unfair life with full of tears
    2. To experience struggling and pain until my heart stops.

    I know I would choose no.2 and I will. No more crying! :stars:

    sorry about my ranting. please ignore..
  2. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    You're strong.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry that you've battling this for so long. But something inside you must really want to be here. You've been fighting. So please let others here help you. You dont have to do this alone. You dont have to keep all the hurt and pain to yourself. Post and let us help anyway we can. Sometimes just writing it all out can help. Knowing that atleast one other person somewhere sees what you are struggling with. Then it becomes a little easier to let a little more out. This time of year is hard even when things are going ok. You feel "left out" because you cant be happy like others are or expect that you should be. I think to myself "how can I be planning to suicide during the holidays?" I'm supposed to be happy and cheerful and am supposed to want to be around other people. But I cant! So I come here. People here know and understand and that alone makes it a little easier. So please keep posting. Let us help?
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Kimi, I know the struggles can be difficult, but you have the power within yourself to change them. What happened in 2005 does not have to determine the rest of your life. Grab those hopes you had back then and run with them. It is heartbreaking when you love someone and they do not love you back. There may be someone else out there you love just as much, or even more. You just haven't found them yet. This person may love you with their heart and soul. Don't give up on that because of the previous experience you had. Many people go on that have shared this same type of experience. they find happiness in places they never thought possible. You can move past it. :hug:
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