Got my fix/Does she know?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bigman2232, Feb 24, 2008.

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  1. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    The last week has been complete crap and on top of that I got to turn 23 on friday. But even though everything is still shit, right now I don't feel too bad. Why? Because I got my fix. My friend who I haven't gotten to hang out and talk with came over and watched tv with me and even gave me a Bday gift. I've known for a while that she is a human drug to me, that seems to take away all the hopelessness, but unfortunately it is only temporary.

    Eventually this will wear off and I'll be back to normal (well my normal). The worse part is that in 2 months I will never see her again. She will be off to live her life and I'll be stuck exactly where I am now. She is basically the only reason I'm still here in the first place. She has always made me feel like at least one person, that isn't required to, cares about me. I guess I'll take what I can get. Hopefully she won't be too busy and we can do one last thing before she's gone.


    But I also noticed something tonight that may or not exist. I don't know if it's just because I'm paranoid, if I'm simply noticing certain words and phrases more often or if it is actually true, but I think she may know about my suicide plans. It just seemed like she said more things like: you'll have plenty of time, and you'll be able to do that eventually. I just felt like she was trying to see if I was close to ending it or not. The first year I met her she was worried that I'd do something since she was the one I would talk to about everything and I wonder if she has gotten that feeling again, even though I try to hide most of what I feel from her. I just don't want her to be worrying about that. Right now she is stressed enough as it is without me piling on my problems. I hope that I was just imagining things.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    How great to have that connection with a friend, even though you knew you were keeping your true feelings from her. You say she might be stressed enough without hearing your problems, but think how sad she'd be if you died and she never had the chance to offer you her love and support.

    My friends have been a great help to me, but for myself I think it's too much for me to have them as my only support. That's why I have professional support, 'cos I'm way to sneaky with my friends, but have found I can me mostly honest with the nurse. With my friends "yeah, it was a rough week but I'm feeling better"... with the nurse "I am such a fuck up, I started cutting again. I'm in a total panic all the time... what can I do?"...

    Mostly I use my friends to connect me to this earth - they say they love me (I don't always believe them), adn they remind me of good times we shared in the past, and things we might do again in the future.

    Can you tell her how low you are feeling and ask for her support in getting some help? From how you describe I'm sure she'd want to be there for you,

  3. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    I don't want to hurt her, that's why I'm waiting till at least April and then she will be gone. I can't really tell her what I feel because as much as she is a relief to my problems, she is also part of them. Not directly in that she does things to make me upset, but she is another girl that I have feelings for that I'm pretty sure does not share them towards me. Just like every other girl I've known.

    I keep building these connections with girls but I never get the impression that they see me as anything other than a friend. So part of my problems is always questioning if she does or doesn't share the feelings. It's frustrating :argh:
  4. Surviving

    Surviving Well-Known Member

    Hey Big, she sounds like a great person. Why not open back up to her? I would take a chance, and bet that she will be there for you.
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