I already vented about the shit day I had in the let it out section but it just keeps piling on and tonight I got so close to ending it. No one is around, or they are hung over from last nights "amazing night" and my roommate is sound asleep. It's just been one of those days where everywhere I went I got reminded of how big a loser I am. So I tried to keep myself distracted and go see a friend so I'm at least around someone else and have to focus on something else. That turned out to be a big mistake. Making friendly chat I asked how was his night and said it looked like fun from the pictures I saw. He said it was and then proceeded to tell me all the stories of the night and how much fun they all had. Good, I'm glad they had fun. But all I felt was how much I hated that I had to miss the first time in awhile when all of our group got together and had fun. Then I found out something that really just slaps me so hard into the reality of my shit ass life. Another reason I had wanted to go was that a girl I like was going to go as well. I had missed several other times getting to meet her again and I just wanted to see if maybe I could do something. Well I find out that she ended up hooking up with another one of my friends and spent the night with him. Fine, I don't have any problems with either of them but it's more that it's another demonstration of how I fuck up my opportunities and how I'm going to be alone because I really do have nothing to offer. I had what I needed but the only thing that stopped me was that I have another appointment with my therapist on thursday and I at least want to go one last time. But I don't know if that will actually happen. It just hurts so much that I'd rather be in physical pain because at least that doesn't scar who you are as a person.