Got some death to do....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by F.H, Dec 23, 2007.

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  1. F.H

    F.H New Member

    First I'll tell you a little bit about myself that way you'll understand where I'm coming from a little better.

    Well I guess you could say I had a really bad childhood. Lived in really shit neighborhoods where all the other kids always picked on me for no good reason. Really I mean I never did anything to provoke all the bad things. I guess kids are kids right? Anyway as I grew older kids at school would call me names especially after the attacks of 9/11. I'm not Arab or from the Middle East but I sure do look like I am tho. Terrorist, Bin Laden, big nose were among the most common insults used against me. Finally had enough of it and tried hanging myself at the age of 13. Don't really remember much except waking up on the ground with my pants around my ankles and my belt around my neck.

    High school came next. I hated it. I was horrible at sports and I'm not too bright either. There was that usual name calling still. It wouldn't have been so bad if every time the whole class laughed at me. Every time, I mean it always got so many laughs... I hung out with people outside of school. It was much worse tho, the name calling. Somethings I don't even wanna repeat and just try to block out of my memory. So I simply stopped going to school and stopped hanging out with people. For a whole year and a half I stayed home rarely going outside. Just playing video games and other indoor activities.

    My family is not aware of my suicidal thoughts. I don't really get along with them anyway. Only my mom, shes alright I guess. I know you guys are gonna tell me to think about my mom and I do, just the suffering is so overwhelming sometimes that I just don't care. She'll get over it anyway. I had a mental breakdown a few nights ago. Got that knife and started slicing and dicing my forearm over and over again. Not to kill myself but to replace that emotional pain with the physical. I hope the cuts turn into scars, I don't wanna die without any scars.

    I did start going back to school but that was short lived due to financial reason. I've been thinking about suicide everyday for the past 5 years. No, not just thinking, I've been obsessed with it. I've recently started drinking. All I can think about now is how to kill myself or when I'm gonna drink again.

    So here I am male, 18 years old, never had a girlfriend, only 1 friend(the one that got me to start drinking). I thought about seeking professional help but reading some of the threads here seems like it would be a horrible experience and it's not like I could afford it anyway. I'm so lucky tho because the only friend I have has a couple of handguns :)

    I a really nice guy actually. But that won't cut it in the real world. Nobody cares if you're nice it's all about looks. I don't know if you can tell but I am no longer mentally stable. I dream about death and embrace it. Hell I even make jokes about it sometimes. I haven't really figured out a specific plan yet. I was thinking about overdose but that seems too risky. Just gotta convince my friend to lend me one of his guns.

    I used to pray to God, talk to him, ask for help and what not. But then I started thinking outside the box. Did some research on how the world really works and I am now convinced that all this religion stuff is just a way to control the mindless masses. Seriously, if you do enough research on the bible you'll understand what I'm talking about more clearly.

    Anyway thats just some of the stuff I've been feeling for a really long time just thought I'd get if off my chest.
  2. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    You should think of your mother, if even one person in your life is decent and means something to you, let them know how you feel. And by that I don't mean telling them about your suicidal feelings, I mean at the very least letting that person know how much you care about them before going.

    Fuck school and other children, they are ignorant of the repercussions of their teasing.

    Sanitarium is an amazing song
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 23, 2007
  3. F.H

    F.H New Member

    Haha yeah I didn't know what else to put for as the title. Sounded cool and it described how I felt perfectly so yeah...
  4. emptytank

    emptytank Active Member

    Sounds a lot like my childhood. Kids are mercilessly cruel and the long-term effects, as you and I know, can be damaging. Try not to be so hard on yourself. People put others down without the slightest regard for the victim's feelings, so based on personal experience I can tell you that the last thing you need is another enemy (i.e. yourself). Based on what you have wrote thus far, you are brighter than you give yourself credit for. Mastering the guitar, like a lot of skills, takes years of steady practice. Muhammad Ali couldn't have become arguably the greatest boxer of all-time without extensive training and the occasional setback. You don't have to be a guitar god to get the most out of your creative endeavor; I write songs as a form of emotional release. I don't intend to make a hit, or sell a single record - and quite frankly, I don't care. I make music for myself; to hell with everyone else.

    Professional help is indeed a waste of time; you might as well walk into the shrink's office with your pants on backwards and your zipper open because they will rape you up the ass and then prescribe drug$ to make you feel better... temporarily... until your supply runs out and you end up feeling worse than ever before, which consequently causes the psychiatrist to increase the dosage more and more until you're completely dependent on meds (this happened to me in 2005).

    Try to discern your enemies from those who care about you, such as your mother and best friend. Some people, myself included, are completely devoid of meaningful relationships and only wish they could have a best friend or a mother who actually cared about them. What you do with your life is ultimately up to you, but if I were you, I'd wait it out a few more years and then reassess your position.

    Good luck!
  5. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    What ethnicity are you, that they would think your an arab or from the middle east? Indian? Greek?
  6. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I know where you're coming from, cos I been there myself.

    Yeah, whenever I flip on the TV and see yet another mindless reality show, I think the entire world is one big high school. Everyone is obsessed with perfection, rejection, and betrayal. Who's the strongest, who's the best looking. It's hard to survive in a society with a retarded mentality governing the masses like that.
  7. F.H

    F.H New Member

    I am fully Mexican not anything else. I just have the looks of an Arab I guess. I don't mind really, not like I have anything against them. It's just that the media portrays them in a really negative way. Most people are ignorant enough to buy into that and they feel the need to give me a hard time about it.
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