First I'll tell you a little bit about myself that way you'll understand where I'm coming from a little better. Well I guess you could say I had a really bad childhood. Lived in really shit neighborhoods where all the other kids always picked on me for no good reason. Really I mean I never did anything to provoke all the bad things. I guess kids are kids right? Anyway as I grew older kids at school would call me names especially after the attacks of 9/11. I'm not Arab or from the Middle East but I sure do look like I am tho. Terrorist, Bin Laden, big nose were among the most common insults used against me. Finally had enough of it and tried hanging myself at the age of 13. Don't really remember much except waking up on the ground with my pants around my ankles and my belt around my neck. High school came next. I hated it. I was horrible at sports and I'm not too bright either. There was that usual name calling still. It wouldn't have been so bad if every time the whole class laughed at me. Every time, I mean it always got so many laughs... I hung out with people outside of school. It was much worse tho, the name calling. Somethings I don't even wanna repeat and just try to block out of my memory. So I simply stopped going to school and stopped hanging out with people. For a whole year and a half I stayed home rarely going outside. Just playing video games and other indoor activities. My family is not aware of my suicidal thoughts. I don't really get along with them anyway. Only my mom, shes alright I guess. I know you guys are gonna tell me to think about my mom and I do, just the suffering is so overwhelming sometimes that I just don't care. She'll get over it anyway. I had a mental breakdown a few nights ago. Got that knife and started slicing and dicing my forearm over and over again. Not to kill myself but to replace that emotional pain with the physical. I hope the cuts turn into scars, I don't wanna die without any scars. I did start going back to school but that was short lived due to financial reason. I've been thinking about suicide everyday for the past 5 years. No, not just thinking, I've been obsessed with it. I've recently started drinking. All I can think about now is how to kill myself or when I'm gonna drink again. So here I am male, 18 years old, never had a girlfriend, only 1 friend(the one that got me to start drinking). I thought about seeking professional help but reading some of the threads here seems like it would be a horrible experience and it's not like I could afford it anyway. I'm so lucky tho because the only friend I have has a couple of handguns I a really nice guy actually. But that won't cut it in the real world. Nobody cares if you're nice it's all about looks. I don't know if you can tell but I am no longer mentally stable. I dream about death and embrace it. Hell I even make jokes about it sometimes. I haven't really figured out a specific plan yet. I was thinking about overdose but that seems too risky. Just gotta convince my friend to lend me one of his guns. I used to pray to God, talk to him, ask for help and what not. But then I started thinking outside the box. Did some research on how the world really works and I am now convinced that all this religion stuff is just a way to control the mindless masses. Seriously, if you do enough research on the bible you'll understand what I'm talking about more clearly. Anyway thats just some of the stuff I've been feeling for a really long time just thought I'd get if off my chest.