She almost raised me. She was so deadly gorgeous trough her whole life. She found life and joy when she was in an old age. She was kind and understanding. She cared so much that everyone is fine and well fed, that everyone is happy. She never wanted to impose even though I wish she did. I was too depressed to give her the time we used to have together, to consumed in my own life to call. She died, and I didn't call before and tell her what my new life in ny is like. She died and last thing she heard of me was trough mom, that I sold some painting. Every day after or before school Id eat lunch at her place and tell her everything about my life when I was a kid. I love her so much and I have no way to grief. I couldn't even come to the funeral because of some bullshit with my papers. I cant even come to her apartment and look at all the photographs she cared about. I don't understand that she isn't with me right now but it is like this wave I can ignore and then it comes and I will drown and I just miss her so damn much.