lost you both a few years apart this month. I tried so hard grandpa, i know you knew i did. Couldn't stop you though. Couldn't stop what they did to you either. I love you so much ***hugs*** Guess nothing to stop me either huh? Good enough for you good enough for me...you taught me so much. surrogate father while mine was overseas for so many years. Much of my life has been lived based on lessons learned from you. Mustangs, lol. You taught me the gentle way with them and i shall always be grateful for that and for so much more. I guess your death was a lesson too...you couldn't take the pain either. I find myself wondering how long you sat on that couch with it, how long it took before you gave in. I wonder, because i am there where you are. I love you...and hey, i understand. In a perfect world it would never have happened. Daddy, I love you. I hope what i did was right by you....I promised since i was merely four, that i would take care of it, while my own bro intended to toss you down a fucking toilet. IT was a fight, but i did what i promised all my life. Will never know if it was murder or by your own hand...was too much of fight getting things taken care of for you. Sorry you had to sit at the fucking medical examiners so long but you know who to thank for that. Always haunted me, the 911 tape. My own bro refusing to do cpr when you were still so young and full of life...the pictures that man took of you...haunt my head. WHY? WHy would someone do that? leave you there, go 5 miles to get a bloody camera, then come back and take photogs? then call family, then call 911??? WTF? Forgive me please for any wrongdoing, i did try to do right by you. I love you dearly daddy. I fucking miss you like crazy and wish you were there for me to talk too. Right now i need you. i am sorely afraid. i am so scared. the tears never stop. Why the fuck did you guys both leave me? I need someone now. Someone wise with age. A shoulder. Guess you two felt alone too, although i seemed to always be there for you...guess it was not good enough, eh? Chalk up another fuck up by me. and hey Joel, fuck you my friend i love you too...at least you were not alone. not like i am alone in this. and R.and Frank, and Chris, and the rest of you...always holding you in my heart. why is it i feel abandoned? yet in a sense, i have you all there...out there somewhere? Perhaps? Who knows. Maybe you are right here with me at this moment to provide courage? :no: but i still feel so all alone. I love you all. Forgive me for any wrongdoings to any of you, i would never hurt any of you intentionally. My heart is with yours, soon. heh, and will it weigh less than a feather...something someone taught me last evening. I'd rather go to the depths of some hell to be with you all than anywhere else. ha, and i do not even believe in a hell, oh well....i hope i see you.