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grateful for sf

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by flowers, Nov 3, 2010.

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  1. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I hope its okay to post this here. I wanted to express my gratitude for this forum where I know I can be honest about how I feel.

    Today I told someone that while I have people who call me their frined, I am not invited to their homes. She told me to stop being so negative and be grateful to have friends at all. Even if they are not really companions. She gave me an "assignment" to be happy that I have a couple of friends even if they are not companions. So I realized that I will have to wear the happy mask with her as well. She didnt mean harm. She only ment well. But she does not know what it feels like to be so alone and concerned about the holidays coming. Last holiday season, the panic attacks were profuse. They are starting early this year. My chest hurts from the aloneness. I actually dont mind wearing the mask. As long as I have a place like this to come to and take it off. I think it just hurt me to be told to put it on today. My mask is nice. Its a happy mask. I do like it, actually. But it doesnt represent one real part of how I feel.

    So I gladly wear the mask. But not from here. When I post here I do not have to Lie about who I am with, so people will not critisize me for being all alone on the holidays. I can be honest here. Even at the other mental health forum I post at, we are not allowed to talk about feeling suicidal. So I have to hide that part of myself. Here, I can show the secret self that people do not want to know. And I am so very grateful for that.

    This forum serves a purpose that is very important. And I am so very grateful. thank you for being here
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Thank you for your kind words, and please secure a safe circle or alike for yourself before the holidays so you know there will be ppl to support you...J
  3. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    SF is a great place to not feel alone, even though we're people merely communicating over the internet.

    During the holidays I don't do much. I don't go out and do anything, because I have no friends at school to do anything with. Not that I'd want to do anything outside of school. Sure, sometimes I do, but then something makes me take the idea back. A lot of the members here feel lonely during these times of the year, so atleast you're not alone in that!(excuse the pun :dry:)

    That feeling of 'aloneness' in your chest, I sometimes get that. It also comes with a kind of sadness, my whole torso just feels like it's sinking...it's a strange feeling. Kind of like a sigh?

    I might try and do some things these coming holidays, maybe a couple of bike rides, haven't gone on one for a few years :laugh:.

    Good friends can be hard to find, I've never been able to open up to anyone, hopefully if I ever get a partner I can feel more comfortable :).

  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thanks Sadeyes and LongRoad95. LongRoad, I hope you are able to take that nice bike ride. It sounds great. I live in the frozen tundra. So to me that sounds glorious to even be able to do in the winter !!!

    Sadeyes, a circle of friends is not possible. I live alone and am mostly agoraphobic. And I do not have a community of friends or family. But I have hope that somehow I will make it through. Every year I hold out hope that somehow it will be better than the previous year. Perhaps this will be the year that it is better.

    One other thing I love about SF is that it sent a birthday greeting on my birthday. I delighted in getting that happy birthday email from Suicide forum. I actually saved it. The subject line made me smile !!!
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Then form a circle here and talk each other through the difficult times as the holidays approach...it will feel better to know that they are there for you and you for them..big hug, J
  6. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i for one am alive becuase of you guys!!! thats for sure!!! now im trying my best to pay it back!!!

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