I'm not actively thinking about it, most of the time. I'm not sure. It's been a rough...week? I dunno. More than week I guess, it all runs together into one big awful year, so who's to say. About 2 months ago I told my therapist I'd decided to try. I was in that spot where a good part of me just wanted to keep feeling shitty, keep pushing myself to feel worse. So I had to pick one way or the other I guess. But, I realized earlier today, I'm not really trying very hard. I'm staying up too late and not sleeping enough, can't get up the motivation to exercise, or meditate, or work on the book my therapist gave me. Been SHing a bit, though I said I would try to stop that too. Time is weird and fuzzy and makes no sense. I can't keep up with all I need to in life, and especially in work. Life is passing me by. But life is awful right now so that feels okay. But I also know it'll make it harder to have any hope of dragging myself out of this. It's just hard to see a future, and so I'm trying to not think about that. But the past and the present both send my mind bad places. I dunno. I'm not sure that I'm looking for anything in particular. I couldn't decide where to put this, just had to get it out.