Great first impression …

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by .A., Apr 13, 2010.

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  1. .A.

    .A. New Member

    I'm new. I don't really feel like going into much history, but the sum of it is, I've been dealing with major depressive disorder since 2002—on and off many different meds, many different combinations, been through many different types of therapy, including months of aggressive ECT … I can't say I've seen it all, but I've seen a damn lot of it. And none of it has done much good. Which is where I'm at now.

    When I was 13—just beginning my struggle with depression—I was suicidal, but it was a frantic, skittering sort of suicidal … high-strung and irrational, if that makes sense. But now I feel almost sociopathic about it. Death—it seems logical, reasonable. There would be downsides, obviously; I know people who love me would be hurt. But virtually all decisions have pros and cons, and when I stop to think about it, the pros well outweigh the cons.

    How do you cope with something like that? When you've done the math, totaled it all up, and yes, the most rational thing would be to kill yourself?
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    There is nothing rational about suicidal ideation your depression is not under control so these distorted thoughts you are having are just that your depression speaking. You need to look at getting on differnet meds newer ones need differnet therapy Get your depression under control as it is treatable but obviously whatever you tried was not right back to the drawing board get help okay get well get strong so you don't hurt others with your distorted thoughts there is no logic in killing oneself no logic what so ever
     
  3. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to SF :) I see you're from Michigan. I'm originally from Kalamazoo and also lived in the thumb area (at the tip of the thumb)
     
  4. .A.

    .A. New Member

    Thank you both. Kankuro, I was actually going to Kalamazoo College for a while. (They sent me home cos they didn't feel I was "safe" there …)

    The problem I run into is the fact that sometimes, people with depression just have to live with it. Doctors hate to admit it, but the recovery rate for depression is far from 100%. It's like other diseases and disorders—a lot of the time, it can be easily treated; sometimes, it takes more effort to be treated; but sometimes, there just isn't anything to be done. And it sucks, but that doesn't make it any less true. I grant that it's selfish to believe myself to be in the "incurable" minority*… but that doesn't mean it's a false belief.

    I don't know. I don't want to just wait around for some miracle pill to be developed when it may not even work, you know?
     
  5. thenegative1

    thenegative1 Member

    I've gotta agree with .A. on this. Very curious for a good response.
     
  6. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    hi .A.,

    what kinds of therapy exactly have you done? and what kind of meds exactly have you tried? and what have you tried besides therapy and meds? i know your first instinct is to answer "everything" but maybe if you go into a little more detail someone here will be able to respond with something that isn't on your list yet.

    i just read an interview with a cognitive behavioral psychoanalyst, for example, who says that he specializes in people who, like you, have chronic depression that began in their early teens.. like you said, most forms of therapy and medication don't work for them because most depression therapies just treat the "80 percent" - the episodic kind of depression, which just goes away on its own. he cited a study where "20 percenters" like you (chronically depressed people) tried either cognitive behavioral therapy, an anti-depressant, or both.. 85 percent of the ones who did both felt better, compared to 50 percent of those who did just one or the other.

    so i guess my first question would be whether you've tried something along those lines, and for how long.. and if it didn't work, whether you might be open to trying it again with someone more suitable.

    other than that, just a couple of very small, probably stupid-sounding ideas: 1) do you exercise regularly? (i just read that regular exercise has about the same success rate as anti-depressants.) 2) do you get enough sun? if not, have you considered getting a light box? 3) do you get enough sleep and food, and do you have a schedule for eating and sleeping? (my ADD group has explained to me that if you put your body in a rhythm then your brain will release happy-chemicals when you stick to it, like "yippie thank you for this waffle") 4) is there some specific situation in your life that, if improved, would immediately make things even one percent easier?

    i realize that as a "20 percenter" your mileage will vary on little changes like those, but i figure that if you can do a few things like that to help yourself through the individual episodes, then you will be in a better frame of mind to do the hard work on the underlying problems and "really" get better.

    the magical-depression-going-away pill is probably not going to happen.. it is a long, hard road sorting out all that head-chaos. but the road does exist. i dunno, i figure if you are at the point where you are able to look at it like "i might as well kill myself," then you can also do "i might as well try something else", i mean if you've got enough mojo to do something as dramatic as kill yourself, then you've also got enough mojo to make some equally dramatic life change which doesn't have the obvious "con" of hurting the people you care about.

    just my rambling thoughts. take it easy
     
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