Great Lengths...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by JustFirefly, Nov 18, 2013.

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  1. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    Ugh.. Ive been cutting again.
    Not just a small screw up with one cut like it used to be, no; this time i have seven. Seven neatly drawn cuts that scream at me, telling me that I'm just another screw up, that I'm just one more person that no one cares about.

    My roommates have been taking away my blades for awhile now; which I guess shows that they care. Ive used them since i was 13 (24 now) for stress relief. Yes, it is bad. I generally use objects that are not that sharp (so i dont do to much damage...) but now... Now I'm going to great lengths.. I just took apart an object to use. I havent done that in over 7 years. Wow.

    Im pushing and going further and farther then I ever have before. I guess I'm falling. Sad thing is.. Usually I can hop onto chat and talk to people there, but i don't know anyone anymore in chat. I am alone now... I'm not good at making new friends and normally...
    I dont feel like i can create a post here on the forums. In fact I usually feel quite uneducated to most people who post here and that is a huge thing thats scary to me.

    I'm worried ill look stupid, or that someone will notice I suck horribly with grammar.. Or that I'll create enemies... I dont want to be alone anymore I guess.

    Which is stupid because I know I'm going to get some short response like..
    Im sorry..
    or some other two lined BS everyone sends everyone...

    Which is unfair to everyone else because if theycare they should show it... No matter how small..
    But then the begger becomes the chooser..

    And at that point we fall back into square one. Back to cutting, back to scars, back to feeling unloved and unimportant. Unable to open up to anyone really.. and when I do becoming judgemental and "they dont really care" and other bullcrap that isnt true.

    Im sorry that i failed myself.
    Im sorry that im so cruel.
    Im sorry that im unloving..
    Im sorry that im not good enough for you.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you do start caring for YOU ok Go in talk to someone you trust get some help to stop this self harming You do deserve kindness and understanding and you friends seem to show that to you . You need to show it to you now with the right help you can start to heal. You are still only 24 lots of time left to get yourself the RIGHT tools to deal with the sadness that is in you.
  3. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    I cant physically accept that. I can try.. and i do.
    And ive been out and ive done things like go to therapy.. And ive done everything i could.. But now im exhausted. I work everyday so i dont know when ill ever get a break. Heh I just am ready to give up.
  4. MsBookLover

    MsBookLover Member

    Don't give up. The road that u need to travel is long. Try not to look at the length of the road, instead look at the destination. It always seems tough when you are in therapy because it isn't like a medical type appointment. They can't just sit you down and hand you a list of what they are going to do and in what order and what lab tests. It's more complicated than that. Like a tangled knot it's impossible to see how straight the rope can be if it's all jumbled up. The therapist help with pushing and pulling that rope in the right places to get everything straight and working again. It takes time, and it gets frustrating. The main thing is to keep at it. If you feel that your health professional isn't helping then switch. If you haven't had any breakthroughs in a while try not to pressure yourself. This will only make it harder to see it when It does happen. I really hope this helps. I do care about what you are going through because I'm right there with you in how you are feeling. It gets so hard sometimes. Sometimes I think "there is just to much to untangle." But I keep going to therapy and putting in the hours, because the greatest things in life are worth working for. Put in the hours. What have you got to lose?

    Oh and by the way, your grammar is perfect. Wanna know how I know? Because no one on here will judge your grammar. As long as people can understand what you are trying to say, it's perfect. Don't be so hard on yourself. This place is for you just as much as it is for every other person here. As for people writing short responses, sometimes they don't know what to say. Sometimes we just want to let them know that they heard you. Some people are just not big talkers or don't want to make you feel worse, so they keep it short and sweet. But every reply should make you feel good. Because every person that replied took the time to let you know that they hear you loud and clear.
    I hope this helps. If you wanna talk, I'm here. Really, really here.
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