Greetings for a not-native english new member

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Elias, Oct 18, 2013.

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  1. Elias

    Elias Member

    Hi there,
    I'm not good at presentations, so I will put it as much short as I can.
    My name is Emanuele (but I prefer Elias) and I'm an italian guy who lives in Rome. I'm a 24 years old university student and worker.

    I've been suffering from BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) since I was 13. It got really severe 6 years ago. I've always tried my best to be (and have in fact been) functional - by this I mean I've always did what I was suppose to do in order to help family and myself going through the 'most practical' stages of life. Study, work, sometimes friend, helping at home.

    I've been sexually abused when I was 10, by an older mental retarded guy. I don't feel like it hurt much, not compared to Bdd. Far from that, in all honesty.

    My father has always been emotionally abusive and my mother is a former alcoholist, now an AA.
    While my dad is an extremely sarcastic and harsh person, he's a great worker.
    My mom is emotionally immature and unable to cope with some kind of problems.

    I have a sister who's 18. We never got along.

    I don't love my family. I help them by doing little things and act kindly toward them just because of gratitude.
    Not sure I should be grateful, but
    they love me in their own way, while I probably don't.

    I've been a cutter for a few years and also a moderator of the biggest italian self-injury community.

    Sometimes I feel like dissociating, but not completely.

    I've never attempted suicide, just because I'm not the 'attempting' kind.

    I have a girlfriend I love a lot. She's the only person I really love.
    She suffers from terrible nightmares and used to be a cutter too, but in first place she's an over-sensitive, extremely delicate person, who perfectly knows we're not gonna marry, have children and be a family.

    I'm currently in treatment.

    Recently, besides BDD, my perception of reality has severily changed. I just don't feel anything at all most of the time, while I used to be passionate about some things and quite an enthusiast deep inside.
    I used to love my studies and have always been a 'cum laude' student, but I don't care anymore about that.
    I used to love ice-skating and have been following every international tournament for 6 years - always cheering for Russian Team. But now I don't feel like doing it anymore.
    My biggest teen dream was to be a dad of a little girl soon or late. Now I just can't think of it.

    I refuse this world, and I refuse to share the little good I have to share with the others. I'm disgusted.

    The only med I'm on is Rivotril, and I'm slowly quitting it. I used to take it just for a practical reason : if I couldn't sleep than I couldn't work properly. Used to take even 50 drops every night - now just 15, and soon I will throw the meds in the garbage.
    My therapist obviously doesn't agree. He'd like me to take anti-depressants, also.

    I know they can help. Fact is, I'm not asking for help.
    I'm stiff on my position.

    Why am I here then?
    Because despite my plans about next future, i want to 'connect'.
    I want to be of some help.

    My biggest desire right now would be to have an enthity I could rely on.
    Just to FEEL. Sadly, my imagination doesn't work that good.

    If I had the chance, now I'd probably be a junkie, because I want my brain 'to go further', and find something else.

    I'm quite a heavy smoker but I rarely drink.
    Mostly because drinking makes me feel dirty, and when I drink I'm unable to stop until I feel sick.

    I want to know you.

    Here it is... it's been somehow painful and I didn't think it could be.

    Elias
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i hope that we here can support you I agree with your therapist you need some help in getting out of that depression your in i hope in time you can trust your t and try again ok
    nice to meet you
     
  3. Elias

    Elias Member

    My pleasure
    I've seen you're always here to greet new members, I like it

    Is it depression? I wonder.. Maybe yes, but maybe no..
    Maybe I'm just too stubborn to 'adapt' to a life whose patterns I feel I can't accept.

    Oh, I forgot to mention I play acoustic guitar and sing.
    One thing that would make me glad - even just for a little while - would be having somebody I could play for.
    Few persons, don't really need a crowd.

    But despite it's a thing so Easy to get - and it really is, nobody ever encouraged me in any way.
    I used to have two friends, both girls and both singers and
    well, they told me I sound good, that there's some warmth in me playing, but never went further.

    Now I play for myself
     
  4. Maedchen

    Maedchen Well-Known Member

    Dear Elias,

    I just want to tell you how much I feel with you.
    I would like to welcome you somehow as others do so lovingly on this forum, but I don't feel that someone who is parting should welcome another. But at least I want to let you know how much your introduction has touched me.
    I am German. We lived south of Munich, so not really far away from Italy. I have been to Rome several times. My very last leg as stewardess for Lufthansa was Rome - Munich. I have special memories of that beautiful city. Piazza Navona with the street artists, Trevi- fountain, Collosseum, Forum Romanum, the Vatican, ...
    With school we once made a trip to Rome before we all went our own ways. Our teacher went to almost every church with us. And I lost my shoe's sole because of all that walking! Really! (Giggling)
    And I have always loved the Italian atmosphere. As child my parents spent the summer with us children in Lido di Jesolo. We often went to Venice. Have you been there?

    Dear Elias, I thank you for sharing your story. I think I understand. It made me cry. It will touch everybody on this wonderful forum. All I can do is pray for you. And for your beloved girlfriend. I would so much like you both to change your mind regarding marrying and starting a family. You know, Elias, if you both really love each other, it could be wonderful. There are marriages based on less than such tender love.

    I would much like to hear / see you play your guitar and singing. Must sound beautiful, maybe melancholic.
    Please take care, Elias. For yourself and your girlfriend.
    Love, Maedchen
     
  5. Elias

    Elias Member

    Wow, that's really something... Nice to meet you, Maedchen, and thank you. But I'll thank you more further.

    I see, I used to have an elder former penpal from Munich, and he... wow, he was one of the best persons I've ever met in this sick world. He once proposed me to spend a week at his place with his family, just to get some rest and take a vacation. It was an incredible idea... too bad I felt it couldn't do, because I was afraid I could make his family feel uncomfortable. I lost a chance.
    Yeah, Rome sure has something special. You can feel it just breathing. I felt the same visiting Stockholm suburbs - the only time I took a flight to somewhere. I could feel it in the air, I was in a special place.

    Faraway. You know. Far enough that it could do for a little while.

    I've never been in Venice, but I had a close friend who lives there and shared pics and moments of her life in the 'cittĂ  laguna'.

    I'm parting myself, and having you greeting me couldn't be more appropriate.
    It's not like I wouldn't marry her, and she knows it - but although I love her we both think it wouldn't be right to Live For Her alone. And it would create some tough problems in our relationship through time as well, so it's not a good reason in general.
    We are like children in a way, and sometimes feel like we don't belong. She promised me she'll try her best to keep kicking.

    I've been on the verge of tears too, reading your reply. Specially the *giggling* part - it cut through my bones.

    I'm not that good, honestly. But if I can, I'll record something and send it to you. I already know what song I'd pick.
    The song I'll play tonight, that very same song.

    Thank you so much for such a lovely welcoming message. It really cracks my 'facade'.

    Fact you are parting ( I don't know if you were referring to this board or talking about life, but Still ) doesn't mean we can't be, well, friends until you (or I) go. Because I'd like it really much. I'd like to hear your story, but mostly I'd like to be there for you.

    Sorry if it sounds weird because we don't know each other.. but, hell, I'm tired of feeling stiff and this is what I thought.

    If this is our first and last sharing, then I wish you the best. Thanks for the feelings, they reached me and moved me.
     
  6. Maedchen

    Maedchen Well-Known Member

    Dear Elias,

    thank you for being so kind to me.
    And thank you for offering to send me a recording of your song. That would be such a nice gift. I don't know if I deserve it.
    I am glad you are here.
    Love, Maedchen
     
  7. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF Elias.

    It sounds like you have been through quite a lot so far. The idea of this site is to enable us to have a place to go where the majority of people have a better understanding of what depression/other issues can do to how things are perceived. I hope you find some extra support from this peer-to-peer place (not a substitute for professional help, but an extra avenue of support like having friends you can talk to about music or anything else).

    And the bit that struck a chord with me (yes - the choice of words was deliberate) - was that you play acoustic guitar/sing. I am in the UK - and we have places that support the notion of live music (we call them open mic nights - where people turn up to a location with guitars mainly, plug and play in accordance to if they are on a list pre-date or if it's a turn up and squeeze in if time allows). I last went to one just 2 days ago, and the atmosphere was buzzing (with 40-50 people around, and about 15-20 of them were playing as a mix of soloists/groups/duos).

    Music is creative to personal tastes - particularly if you can even write your own stuff too. Rather like you I tend to be more based upon others reactions to my playing rather than having an ego like a top celebrity (ie, Beyoncé, Rihanna as a couple of examples).

    On the topic of the depression that sounds like its sucking your life from you, would it not be better to heed the advice of the therapist to at least try the anti-depressants? Rather than being stubborn and staying stuck in the rut you are sinking into, something needs to change, and it's better with the help and support of others (like the therapist and this community), than trying to do it all yourself. Given time and patience, it could just be that you need something to re-ignite a spark for the passions you once had. I do not fully understand the lack of feeling/connecting with things, but I do understand it could be where you've got so used to things being a certain way, that you've not allowed yourself a chance of adaptation which could benefit you.

    Hope this helps in some way.

    PS. Would like to hear your music myself too :)
     
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