First off... there are days when I'm very expressive and full of words, but then there are days I wish I never had to communicate with the world... I can be comical and full of laughs sometimes and very sarcastic. :blah::blah::blah: I'm new... go figure :/ I hail from the small Twin island republic of Trinidad & Tobago, years ago when I first attempted to join an online support community they were in total disbelief that a person who lives in the Caribbean could suffer with depression. Depression, anxiety the works are found in all parts of the planet we named Earth. I'll admit that it's really hard living in the Caribbean and struggling with depression, most people don't understand and think we can just 'snap out' of it. It's harder if you self harm, we have no winter and it's often very hot so hiding fresh scars are sometimes quite the task. Here's a little background info on myself so I don't seem like a total stranger and maybe provide some insight as to why I'm so messed up in the head; I've been suffering with depression/depressive episodes since I was 11, started self harming when I was 13 and have been struggling to stop ever since. Did that whole 'first love' bit with a long relationship with a girl who I really should not have been with, she really wore me out and killed what little self confidence I had at that time. Shortly after I turned 17, I was raped (a term I'm only now beginning to be able to use/tolerate), after that I was forced to 'come out' to my parents who weren't very accepting and are currently living in the state of denial. At 18 I had my first major suicide attempt via the <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>, spent some time in the hospital and was then diagnosed with Bipolar 2. A few months later, I moved to Barbados to get my degree decided heyyy it's college everyone has to have a college fling :moody: and decided to hook up with a guy for what reason... I'm yet to know... the sex wasn't even good :mmph: there was a night that this guy decided not to take no for an answer and forced himself onto me. Couple weeks later I had the unpleasant surprise of a miscarriage, not even knowing I was baking. About a year or so later I found myself trying to please my parents by attempting to be in a relationship with a guy who turned out to be the spawn of satan and was abusive emotionally,verbally and to a lesser extent physically that didn't last long thankfully. Added to the generic distance between myself and career minded, self absorbed parents who don't take the time to try to understand :blah::blah: And the occasional phase of eating disorders. Nothing else of any real substance has happened over the last couple years but here I am, 21 years; very active within my school and my community at home and ever so depressed with the feeling of having no one on my side, feeling used, empty, worthless and just so sad. With the feeling... you know the feeling when the same thought cycle through your mind over and over again making everything worse, the anxiety that hits you when all your muscles feel tense at the same time, and you know you're breathing cause you're clearly alive but yet you feel like there isn't enough oxygen. And that last line is the reason I'm here.