Greetings! Mixed feelings here

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Asdlax, Jun 11, 2016.

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  1. Asdlax

    Asdlax Unwell-Known Member / INXJ 1w2 agnostic

    Okay as you may have noticed, I may have seemed a little too cheerful for a member of this forum.

    I can't help but feel excited to have found this place where there are lots and lots of people like myself. I was told that I am abnormal by my own parents (for dropping out, being nocturnal, and whatnot). I think I have pretty much gave up on real life. I lost faith in humanity many times to which none was left, but I think I might grow to like this community. I have registered in some other 'depression' forums over the past couple years, and they hadn't been of any help to a significant degree. I don't usually linger too long on one website, so I may disappear without a notice if I begin to lose interest, often due to slow paced responds from the community - although I don't think that would be an issue here.
    I'll try to keep it shorter than intended.

    For starters,

    Hello! I am new here. 20 years old Agnostic, Demisexual. NEET, with bipolar2. I was born in a dysfunctional family. And things were very tough. I quit school before finishing grade11 highschool. And after a year of being a stay-at-home-teen, I learned that I was a queer, presumably transgender.

    I was very depressed before I found this place for various reasons. I finally convinced my mother to take me to a psychologist and psychiatrist. My psychologist gave up on me and I gave up on my therapies with my psychiatrist. So yes, despite being depressed and suffering from bipolar type2, I am not in medication at all. I decided this because I cannot keep any routine activity. Going to the hospital once a week? lol I don't even have the motivation to do something as basic as taking showers daily.. not to mention, FAKE attention? I won't lie, it feels good when someone knows exactly what's going on with you and treats you nicely but at the end of the day, all she cares about is the money - not me. It's her profession.. so I decided it wasn't worth it. Even though I loathe my parents, I don't want to waste their money either on very expensive medications... it makes me feel bad and worthless to be spending so much. The cognitive therapy didn't seem to work on me either but I cannot be honest with my psychiatrist as I maybe(?) subconsciously want to make her happy and naturally felt better when someone doesn't scream when talking to me... Conclusion: It wasn't working.

    Knowing how 'different' I am, I was certain I will never find the one for me. How am I different? That's a long story, I don't believe most of you care to read more blocks of paragraphs about a stranger you recently stumbled upon. That aside, currently I'm fired up, I guess I found a new purpose. I want to help the people here! or at least talk to them. And hopefully, I'll find someone that reminds me of myself and could help me too on this journey. I want to build a meaningful, honest relationship! A deep one too at that, where we can rely and support each other in both sunny and cloudy days! Someone who is willing to grow better together with me.. walk on the path of endless inner self improvement!

    MBTI type: INFJ, Ennegram type: 1w2,, I am.. glad to be here!
    Quick Facts:

    1. I love drawing! (it comes and go with my depression) I was already admitted to an art college despite not graduating high school because my IELTS and report grades were more than sufficient. But I ended up not going because my parents weren't supportive.

    2. I love anime and manga! I am interested in psychology! imo, Rainy is better than sunny!

    3. I don't believe porn is justifiable nor necessary. So if you support or worship it, we're not meant to be.

    Thank you for reading until the end.
    ** if there are terms you don't understand, Google away. I tried to link them to google for your convenience but the forum won't allow me to post thread.
  2. Asdlax

    Asdlax Unwell-Known Member / INXJ 1w2 agnostic

    Oh wow. I checked the other threads underneath mine, and WELP. It appears nobody wrote as much as I. here I thought I have kept it short. Moving this to [My Story] section.
  3. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum Asdlax. I hope you have found a place that is comfortable for you and that you stay a bit. First thing that I would like to say is that it is no crime to be different. In fact, it is what makes the world interesting. However, when you think you are different, it can be a challenge learning to accept yourself. This is true even though we are all a little different. I think the trick is to give yourself enough time to accept your own differences. And it can take a while. You will find that a lot of people on this site struggle with that issue.

    Sorry about your family life and lack of success with meds and doctors. I know it can take a while to find the right one. I hope you keep searching. And the meds can be expensive and have side effects. But when you find one that works it can really be helpful.

    Lets see; I can't even draw a decent dot. Love reading and eating. Agree totally that porn is not necessary.

    And your post length was just fine. The people who are really interested will take the time to read it.
  4. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You need to be honest with professionals they want to help you.
    You are worth the expense. Sometimes it can take a while for medications to take effect or maybe you just need to try a different one.
    I know that you find it hard to motivate yourself. But what about trying to find a support group. Having other peers to talk too might be helpful if you do not want to talk with professionals.
  5. Asdlax

    Asdlax Unwell-Known Member / INXJ 1w2 agnostic

    Hello ,, oh whoops. (almost addressed you by your username and then realised how it could be rather rude/awkward coming from anyone else but you lol. Which brings me to wonder, why did you choose that username?)

    Mhm, when I stopped the medication abruptly I experienced what I believe is called withdrawal symptoms. I learned that it's best I communicate to my psychiatrist about my plan to quit the medication. At least they would start giving me gradually less dosage before eventually stopping. The meds helped me with my sleeping pattern. I seemed to be more awake during the day which was good. But other than that, I felt not much difference with my mood.

    Reading and eating eh! Ever done both at the same time?

    That's a relief to hear.
  6. Asdlax

    Asdlax Unwell-Known Member / INXJ 1w2 agnostic

    Yes, I'm well aware of that. Unfortunately as I have said, it's something I do/feel subconsciously. How could I not feel better in general when somebody(the psychiatrists) talks to me very nicely? And often it messed up my feedback on the cognitive therapy. As in "yes I feel somewhat better now, not because of the therapy but probably you." And yet, this kind of stuff,.. you rarely notice it right and then at spot. It only occurred to me when I tried to apply what I learned with my doc at home, that it didn't help. And so comes my late realisation.

    Thank you. I however don't sit well with spending other people's money. Its not about 'whose' money. It's about what I feel when a big sum of money is spent on me, not once, but regularly at each visit. I have never earned my own money - which makes it feel all worse.

    I have one friend online. It was more than enough for me that I could talk to him. I'm a very focused person that once I have one friend already, it's difficult to gather the will to want another.. But after taking a break off our friendship for a week, I finally found the motivation to join forums again. and here I am!
  7. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    I do understand the want to please others. I honestly think some of it is the desire to not stand out and bring attention to ones self. It may take some practice, but eventually you will need to be how you are, and who you are. Its a very difficult thing to do. Honesty like that requires a lot of trust, I hope you find that sort of trust and friendship that you are looking for.

    Im so sorry youve not been supported by your family. I know that can be a big dream killer, but please please please pursue your passions. If you were accepted into an art college you really should go for it. I for one would love to see what work you have. I very much enjoy others art. I art myself. It is a fantastic and beautiful outlet as well as stimulating the imagination while being able to ground oneself.

    I am very glad you have found this site. Although you are different, you will find that there are many with similar stories, beliefs, and well, even things you may not have even thought of. Its important to see you are not alone. We are all different, a beautiful variety pack of personalities and struggles and interests. The diversity is stimulating and comforting.

    I do hope you find what you are in need of, and what you are in want of.
  8. Asdlax

    Asdlax Unwell-Known Member / INXJ 1w2 agnostic

    Yes I have! I do live by the principle of honesty. Because I was once full of whitelies, formalities and extreme cultural politeness. I will never forget the regret and guilt of my past, the old me who couldn't express myself because I didn't want to stand out or be "rude". At one point, I was made up of society's and parents' expectations, but I'm over all that, happy to have improved and simply be myself. But the psychiatrist case was beyond being honest with oneself. As I have explained earlier, it was a confusion combined with late realisation. I hope my point came across. That said, I must also repeat that it was one reason among others why I chose to end my visits.

    It's.. complicated. I would have gone had it been the same year I quit school and did nothing but draw all night and day. It's been 5 years since then and my passion for drawing comes and go. Depression that randomly deprives all of my interest in the things I used to enjoy only makes it worse. I doubted myself. Not to mention living 5 years as a NEET has changed a lot of things about me. For one, I found myself and wisdom in my solitude, yet at the price of my social life. I believe I am an introvert by nature. Interacting with people drains my energy. Now given my circumstances that's devoid of daily exposure of people, I have become more intolerant to social meetings. No I'm not scared and I handle myself very well in social situations but it wears me out almost effortlessly. I would look back with disbelief that I used to be in school from 7am to 3pm Every. Single. Day. "Wow that can't be real!", I thought to myself. Because the way it is now I cannot stand the crowd for more than 3 hours. My social battery runs out faster than ever been, leaving me half dead and depleted after a day out. Not to mention how my sleeping time constantly changes around the clock. Or how last month I slept 14 hours a day for two consecutive weeks (and no I don't wake up in between..) My lifestyle is a mess that I don't think I am any longer suitable for a college schedule. My parent's thoughts on me going abroad to pursue my dreams settled it. As much as I wanted to learn more and develop my hobby into a profession, it's just not too realistic at logical point of view. I really, really want to go but will I last more than a week with that new lifestyle?

    For one, I haven't had a single friend who doesn't care to watch porn. Honestly that saddens, troubles me. Scared that there's only so much from humanity. I am very observant to people's innerworking and values. I analyse people from the decisions they make and the things the say/do. To this day, I have yet to find anybody whose way of life is align with mine. Similar? There are. Nothing but false hopes. As I learn to know them better it's usually for religious reasons that they don't do certain things or act artificially kind. When I start thinking about a partner in life, I fall deeper into depression as I realise I may never be as lucky as to find the one for me.

    Thank you, I hope so too.
    sunnypseudo likes this.
  9. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    You are more then welcome to call me Sillyoldbear. It is what they called Winnie the Pooh, a teddy bear in an old kid's book. And I love teddy bears. Am also old and many think I am silly.
  10. Flaxney

    Flaxney Well-Known Member

    Hello and welcome. Have you ever considered volunteer work?
  11. Asdlax

    Asdlax Unwell-Known Member / INXJ 1w2 agnostic

    Thank you, Sir Sillyoldbear. Some history behind the name you have. I am familiar with Pooh. I had no idea he was old though, haha.

    Now we only need to paint that beard white. (DW, I get what you mean)
  12. Asdlax

    Asdlax Unwell-Known Member / INXJ 1w2 agnostic

    Mhm' I'm not sure I fully understand what you exactly mean by that. Can you elaborate?
  13. Flaxney

    Flaxney Well-Known Member

    As in, have you ever considered signing up for volunteer work, such as at an animal shelter, or a soup kitchen.
  14. Asdlax

    Asdlax Unwell-Known Member / INXJ 1w2 agnostic

    I see. It's unfortunate but we don't have them where I live. So, no I have never considered charity work. It was never an option for me. I have however thought of helping my neighbour's gardener with their work.

    Back in 2011, I used to make freebies(free art) at Otakuzone and Playfish. Making people happy through drawing was my motivation and joy. A year later, I had to quit because the forum died, and so did my interest at the time. I have yet to find a forum with good demand & appreciation since. Will definitely take a look at the art/creative section assuming SF has one.
  15. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Thank you Asdlax, the pooh picture made me smile.
    Asdlax likes this.
  16. Asdlax

    Asdlax Unwell-Known Member / INXJ 1w2 agnostic

    Glad to hear that :D pooh be flattered.
  17. otakuwarren

    otakuwarren New Member

    NEETo banzai
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