Greetings: Right Spot for Me?

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by amk666, Sep 19, 2012.

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  1. amk666

    amk666 Active Member

    Hello everyone.
    I just want to say what a great resource this seems to be. I really like how people help one-another & offer support here. Leaves me to wonder how things would have unfolded if we'd had resources like this back in the day:)

    I apologize in advance for the length of this.

    I'm fifty-four years old, married with one son & I work as a commercial photographer. In nearly every way I consider my life to be blessed & myself the recipient of incredible fortune. I'm not suicidal nor am I aware of being depressed, but I do have a history. Short story long: I was taken to counseling, medicated, received two EEGs (5 & ~12 y/o) & put on all sorts of meds while in elementary school. Why? I'll never know. My mother passed away in '74, & my dad, who's still alive, is the sort of guy who'll tell you he's scheduled for surgery, but when you ask what for he'll truthfully reply: "I don't know, something the doctor said."

    My family went through a lot of turmoil when I was 11 - 14 y/o, starting with my elder sister's running away. Then I was seriously injured in a bike accident. My dad's union went & stayed on strike & my mother's health began to fail. All within the course of a few years. I did my part by making everything as difficult as possible for everyone involved. You read about kids who protect their parents and/or siblings from family issues. Not this one.

    When I was 14 or 15 I finally came to my senses a tiny bit. I tried to make amends for all the grief I'd caused by drinking a bottle of Port & taking dozens of tranquilizers. All that got me was three months of in-patient psych.

    Still, things stabilized a little after that. I was still frequently depressed, antisocial & hated myself (always have, always will;-), but I started pulling good grades. My mother died when I was sixteen, so my dad & I really hung together after that. When I was 21 I met the most amazing woman, someone I could recognize instantly as a soul mate. Somehow I tricked her into marrying me, & somehow we're married still, 32 years worth. We have one son who's 22 & seems to have found his soul mate as well. I love photography, & while I haven't always worked this, it's a craft I've returned to over & over again in the years.

    So what's not to like, right?

    I've searched my heart & I honestly don't feel sorry for myself or feel anything but blessed & fortunate.

    So it seems incongruous that I guess I just don't want to live anymore.

    No one who knew me back in the day could have expected me to live to see twenty-five. I never thought I'd make fifty. Three years ago I was working for a company that had good benefits. When enrollment time came round, I signed up for as much supplemental life insurance as possible. I had no ulterior motive. It was just that my son was in college, we had finally bought a home here in NYC, which closed & finalized at the worst possible time, & my dad needed money to help maintain him in a home for seniors which he really liked & likes still. So there were obligations:)

    After a while, however, I became obsessed with the idea of pulling a faint on the MTA & falling onto the tracks. No one could ever prove that was deliberate, & the insurance would have to pay up. My son could continue in college, my dad not worry about his payments, & most importantly, my wife, who was diagnosed with inflammatory arthritis almost ten years ago, could come closer to medical retirement from a job that pays really well, but which she hates & feels trapped in.

    Obviously that didn't happen. I lost the job one year ago, & so returned to photography. I make very little money right now, but expect to improve that. My son's out of college right now (living with us, in fact, with his fiancee, but we really like her:), & my dad got a VA settlement enabling him to cover his monthly payments with ease.

    So it's all good. But I had a moment of recent clarity when I realized that my death now would devastate my wife. I've put her through so much over the years, I just can't do that, even if it wasn't apparently suicide (both of us were hospitalized at different times in the 80s for depression & suicidal ideation). I just can't.

    But I'm also conscious of not wanting to live anymore. I dread the idea of growing older, & there is nothing, absolutely nothing I want to do anymore--there are things I can do, but so what? I love my son, but I'm also sure he'll be fine without me as a constant presence in his life. I find it very difficult to create ideas for shooting right now. Motivation is utterly lacking (& here again, how lucky am I to indulge this & not fear homelessness, right?). I think about every bad thing, every mistake, every cruel or wicked deed I did in my life (& there were a lot, believe me), & I just don't want to think about them anymore. I know with perfect & absolute certainty that I don't deserve to be alive. Never have. & I hope there's no conscious survival after death because I'm really so sick of myself already.

    So there it is.

    I apologize for the length of this & for taking up everybody's time when it's not even clear to me that I belong here. But there's no way, no way in hell I'm willing to burden my wife with this & cause her undue worry. I put her through so much before our son was born, I can't & won't do it again if I can help it (though I think she suspects something's off kilter).

    Still, I am glad to have found the site & read some of the great, supportive & loving posts that appear. I hope everyone keeps up the good work.

    Thanks for hearing me out. God bless you all.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU son will NOT be alright without you that is destorted thinking depession You need to take whatever steps necessary to get the depression to go away hun meds therapy you need to get you well ok Your son will NOT be ok he will suffer his whole life not being mean just stating the facts suicide behavior is passed on as well to our children don't pass that on to him hun ok you get the help you need so he will always have is father hugs
  3. amk666

    amk666 Active Member

    Thanks for the reply, but I'm not depressed. Not really. I don't know why I even posted here, 'cause I'm not going to kill myself. I can't. But I hate to think that if anything were to happen to me--& let's face it, anything could--that my son would be devastated. Doesn't make me feel good at all. No. I think he'd be okay. I hope so anyway. He needed me once, & I was there, but kids grow to independence.

    thank you again.
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Andy - I feel I understand you.... also, what you are facing. I cannot type it in 2 sentences, and have a time restraint today (39th Wedding Anniversary!)..... but I too so totally do not deserve to still be here, and yet I am......... I really believe that how you are feeling and what you are facing is, actually a wonderful opportunity, but at the moment you can't see it as such. You have a deeper 'you' inside of you that has begun to reach out to find what it hasn't found yet. Am willing to PM, or write here, or in the meantime have a look at "Would you like to be remade?" which is a work in progress, to give you an idea. God bless you too, urP
  5. amk666

    amk666 Active Member

    39 years!?!

    Most heartfelt congratulations!

    I'll check out the thread. Please feel free to PM me any time:)

  6. LadyEmaleth

    LadyEmaleth Member

    There is a huge difference between a parent dying from "natural causes" and a parent dying from suicide... My father is about 10 years older than you and I remember vividly the day he told me that when he won't be able to take care of himself due to the old age he will take his own life. That was probably the most distressing thing I've ever heard in my whole life... I could never be ok with my father killing himself and I think that your son could never be fine with your suicide either.
    You seem to be too harsh on yourself. No one is perfect and without blame. If your wife managed to stay with you for so long and your son does not hate you then you probably are a really good person.
    Tell me what's the trick for it's a damn good one ;)
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