I'm not even sure where to start. I'm 28, I'll be 29 in a few months and I'm a total wreck of a person. I'm what's known as a "Multiple Trauma Survivor" and basically surviving it all has completely screwed me up. I'm mentally ill and frankly I think it's terminal. I'm diagnosed Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Mild Psychosis, Severe Social Anxiety, Mild Agoraphobia, PTSD, and Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). I've been suicidal since I was 10 and have been self harming since I was 12. I struggle with severe suicide ideation and it's getting so bad I don't know what to do. I've had multiple hospitalizations, I'm in therapy and am on more medications than I care to share, and recently did 9 weeks at a residential treatment center (mental health rehab basically). I can't seem to figure out how to get better and feel as though I'm just getting worse. All I want is to die. I don't feel as though I can keep going the way I'm going and I don't know how to change things. I'm married and while my husband is wonderful I feel terrible for him. Terrible that he has to put up with me. Terrible that I can't get better for him. Terrible because of how worried he is about me. Terrible that he is basically my only source of support and social interaction. I've put too much on his plate and he and I both know it. Honestly I wish he would divorce me, he doesn't deserve this. No one I know seems to understand how suicidal I am and how hard it is to fight the thoughts and urges. No one understands my self destructive behaviors. No one understands why I can't just get better and be happy. My family resents the fact that I have all of these issues, since many people are worse off than I am then I am ungrateful and need to grow up and pull myself together. According to them I have no reason to be the way I am. I honestly don't know if I can do another year like this. I've been trying so hard and nothing has helped. I'm reaching out for support and commiseration and because I don't know what else to do. I'm failing at life. I need help I can't seem to find. I feel like an alien, an outsider, like something is inherently wrong and different about me. I'm very suicidal tonight and I figured I would see what kind of forums are out there to help people like me. I can't be the only person who suffers from chronic suicide ideation. I can't be the only person who feels like suicide is the only way to stop hurting. So here I am. This is me, a summarized version of me but still me. Thank you for taking the time to read this.