Discussion in 'Welcome' started by GirlofNight, Jan 1, 2013.

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  1. GirlofNight

    GirlofNight Member

    I'm not even sure where to start. I'm 28, I'll be 29 in a few months and I'm a total wreck of a person. I'm what's known as a "Multiple Trauma Survivor" and basically surviving it all has completely screwed me up. I'm mentally ill and frankly I think it's terminal. I'm diagnosed Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Mild Psychosis, Severe Social Anxiety, Mild Agoraphobia, PTSD, and Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS).

    I've been suicidal since I was 10 and have been self harming since I was 12. I struggle with severe suicide ideation and it's getting so bad I don't know what to do. I've had multiple hospitalizations, I'm in therapy and am on more medications than I care to share, and recently did 9 weeks at a residential treatment center (mental health rehab basically). I can't seem to figure out how to get better and feel as though I'm just getting worse. All I want is to die. I don't feel as though I can keep going the way I'm going and I don't know how to change things.

    I'm married and while my husband is wonderful I feel terrible for him. Terrible that he has to put up with me. Terrible that I can't get better for him. Terrible because of how worried he is about me. Terrible that he is basically my only source of support and social interaction. I've put too much on his plate and he and I both know it. Honestly I wish he would divorce me, he doesn't deserve this.

    No one I know seems to understand how suicidal I am and how hard it is to fight the thoughts and urges. No one understands my self destructive behaviors. No one understands why I can't just get better and be happy. My family resents the fact that I have all of these issues, since many people are worse off than I am then I am ungrateful and need to grow up and pull myself together. According to them I have no reason to be the way I am.

    I honestly don't know if I can do another year like this. I've been trying so hard and nothing has helped. I'm reaching out for support and commiseration and because I don't know what else to do. I'm failing at life. I need help I can't seem to find. I feel like an alien, an outsider, like something is inherently wrong and different about me.

    I'm very suicidal tonight and I figured I would see what kind of forums are out there to help people like me. I can't be the only person who suffers from chronic suicide ideation. I can't be the only person who feels like suicide is the only way to stop hurting. So here I am. This is me, a summarized version of me but still me.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I just want to say hi and to let you know that we understand the sadness hun but suicide is not the answer hun it will only cause others to have the pain youare enduring now.
    I hope you can keep talking to us so you can get support hun here. hugs to you
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I know exactly how you feel.. I suffer from the same things, also borderline personality disorder..My meds take the edge off but don't get rid of the thoughts.. I hope you find help..
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, Just want you to know you are heard and definitely not alone. I can relate to what you have said. Keep posting, if you find it helps you. :) And, welcome ..of course =)
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi there GoN - I sure do understand honey and know about having been in the same place regarding your husband situation. I felt the same way 15 years ago, and yet, am so grateful now that he did not walk away and leave me. Having such a brick in one's life is a god-send, and a spur to working out what one can do to find the way out of what confronts us.

    I totally know there is such a way - and that there is a mind-place where we can realise our freedom from the things that would trip us up in our thinking. I cannot explain it in a short paragraph - but I know it is real, because it is the only way my mind has survived from being sucked under by wrong beliefs about reality and my identity.

    I would be very willing to discuss this with you - unfortunately I only have another couple of days before 4 weeks out of internet access (family visiting and it being summer holiday time in New Zealand). If you want to PM me I would be able to say more - but I do urge and encourage you that there is hope which is available in conjunction with the meds, Pdocs, etc. (although the latter were only a part-help for me, the deeper things were out of their ball-park).
  6. GirlofNight

    GirlofNight Member

    Thank you everyone for responding. I am also Borderline, my doctor doesn't like it when I tell people that so I tend to not share that one as much. I am glad to have found this place, I need support very badly but am terrible at asking for it. I keep trying to hang on and get better but I feel like that's never going to happen. Maybe I'll be able to find some hope here.
  7. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    give yourself time GoN, and make getting well your top priority - and you will find a lot of support and encouragement here along the journey - and it is a process - a journey as well as the destination of being well :)
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