So.. I came across SF a few days ago (while looking for suicide methods actually.. I guess that's quite a good thing about this forum, you'll find it when you least expect too :P), looked around a bit and decided to join the community. Maybe here I will find the understanding and people to talk to that I need so badly.
Sorry about the long post.. Writing just makes it a bit easier for me to understand myself..:mellow:
First things first! This is me (in a miniature nutshell):
I'm an 18 year old boy living in the Netherlands. I'm off to university next year. I've been cutting myself for five or six months now, I think I've got a depression (no one has actually diagnosed me as 'depressed', though they've 'hinted' that I am.. And I'm SH'ing, so I guess I am..) and I've got this feeling I think some of you might know that everything is just going downhill. That's why I started fantasizing about suicide and researching different methods a few weeks ago.
I remember a question the therapist that was responsible for my intake (advisory treatment-thingy) asked me: "Have you ever cut yourself with the intention of killing yourself?" Back then (that's 3 months ago I think) the answer was no. Now it'd be yes. The past week or two I've been cutting more and deeper, up to the point where I'm trying to cut my artery (it's way to deep though..:dry
. It wasn't specifically a suicide attempt, I only wanted to bleed alot. If I'd hit my artery, well why not.. I can't get myself to cut alot deeper though (yet), it hurts a fair bit..
For the past month or so I've been seeing a therapist once every one or two weeks. It hasn't been long, so maybe I shouldn't draw my conclusion so quickly, but I just don't see this going anywhere. It's a 5-session-treatment which focusses on my SH'ing and which supposedly is going to make me all better, once I find alternatives for SH (I wonder how they're planning to do that in five 45-minute sessions:unsure. I've got my 4th appointment next week and during the past month I'm just feeling worse every day and cutting both more and deeper. I think I'm gonna suggest my therapist considers a slightly different approach.
I really, really felt like taking an overdose once a few weeks ago. To my big regret I couldn't find anything but paracetamol, which I had read wasn't much use so I didn't feel like trying. I changed my mind though and took <mod edit>(I know it's not many, but I couldn't really convince myself <mod edit> would really have any effect after all) combined with <mod edit> (apparently, <mod edit> increases the toxicity or something (erm, sorry if that's a method)). I think I'm allergic to <mod edit> though, so I threw it all up the next morning.
Anyway, that's kind of how it is now. How did it get to this? Beats me. Let me tell you about my past (which, in my eyes, really isn't so awful, but still, for some reason, has led to this..).
Growing up and such..
I was born in the Netherlands. When I was nine months old, my father and mother moved to Norway and took me with them. That's where I grew up. About a year after we moved, my sister was born. My mom and dad got divorced when I was four or so. The only thing I can remember of those first few years is that my mom and dad didn't get along, at all. I remember things such as my father throwing the dishes on the floor, breaking most of it, and my mom pulling the tablecloth, everything set for dinner, off the table, while my sister and I sat under the table crying. Well, that was before they got divorced atleast. They didn't fight as often after that.
They had shared custody till I was 11 or 12 (can't remember excactly). Then my mother decided she didn't like Norway and moved back to the Netherlands. My sister and I lived with our father after that. My sister followed my mother to the Netherlands four years after her, and I followed the year after that. My father still in Norway. I've been living in the Netherlands for about 2,5 years now.
I had plenty of friends at school. I went to some really small alternative school, so I was in the same class with pretty much the same people every year for nine years. I knew all of them very well, obviously. They were friends, but not true friends, if you know what I mean. My friends were the kind of friends that you had a laugh with, hung out with, partied with every once in a while, but none of them were best friends. Up till recently (6 months ago..) there has never been anyone whom I ever talked to about my feelings, no one who was really emotionally involved. Seeing as my mother moved to a different country when, in my eyes, I needed her the most, my father just isn't someone to talk about your feelings with and no one else was really there for me, I apparently (my therapist said so:blink subconciously ignored every single bad feeling I ever had.. Well, that wasn't smart.
Erm, the nutshell is getting big, so I'll just skip a few years. It's good to get all that summed up though.
"This", my depression if you will, started with a girl (cliché, I know.. Anyway). She was my first true love, I really loved, I would've done anything for her, imagined how our relationship would be in 1, 2, 3 years time etc etc. I'd known her for almost two years and suddenly we both realized that.. well, we really liked eachother. It lasted for two months.. It was when we started dating that she told me more about herself. She was suffering from a depression and cutting herself. Alot happened, but long story short: Because of that, it didn't work out. I started cutting myself the day she broke up with me (if I remember correctly). It started out as cutting daily or several times a day, but as summer crept along and the new schoolyear started, I cut less frequently. When I started therapy (or just before), the cutting went back to daily and the cuts became more severe.
Anyway, love triggered all those cropped up emotions (well, I think it did..) and made me emotionally "active". The love I felt was something worth living for, now I'm struggling to find a reason. The more I think about, the more reasons I come up, the emptier I feel and the more useless this all feels. When I think about it, nothing is how I'd like it. I don't like being 18, I don't like the world I live in, the ignorance of almost everyone around me frustrates me (etc) and most of all - I'm confused. I can't explain how I feel, I feel this urge to explain why I do what I do, why people around me do what they do and why I react how I do, but I can't grasp any of it. It's just too much.
Every morning I wake up completely exhausted. The day will just be filled with things I can't understand and numerous attempts of, once and for all, figuring out what it is that I want and why, but every attempt ends with failure (or a cut, depends..). I told my therapist that to me, suicide is a possible way out, but not one I'd like to travel. Now it just seems more and more like the most logical choice. Why not?
I'm fighting to stay alive, but at the same time I'm thinking 'But why? I might aswell kill myself..'. Sure, it's the easy way out, but at the same time, it looks like it's the only one. I just can't be bothered with this anymore. I read somewhere that suicide is about practising (edit this part out if you need..) - when you can take the pain of, say, slitting your wrist and overcome the natural fear of dying, you're ready for suicide, so I'll just keep practising. I kinda hope I'm getting a prescription for some anti-depressants or other drugs aswell. An overdose seems like a clean way to go.
In the end, I can't explain any of it. It frustrates me, but at the same time I'm terrified of finding out why I'm SH'ing, why I'm 'suicidal', why I'm depressed, why 'everything'..
Anyway, thanks for reading. I'm kinda looking forward to talking to members of the community, which is good thing, I guess. Hopefully someone will understand..
Sorry about the long post.. Writing just makes it a bit easier for me to understand myself..:mellow:
First things first! This is me (in a miniature nutshell):
I'm an 18 year old boy living in the Netherlands. I'm off to university next year. I've been cutting myself for five or six months now, I think I've got a depression (no one has actually diagnosed me as 'depressed', though they've 'hinted' that I am.. And I'm SH'ing, so I guess I am..) and I've got this feeling I think some of you might know that everything is just going downhill. That's why I started fantasizing about suicide and researching different methods a few weeks ago.
I remember a question the therapist that was responsible for my intake (advisory treatment-thingy) asked me: "Have you ever cut yourself with the intention of killing yourself?" Back then (that's 3 months ago I think) the answer was no. Now it'd be yes. The past week or two I've been cutting more and deeper, up to the point where I'm trying to cut my artery (it's way to deep though..:dry
. It wasn't specifically a suicide attempt, I only wanted to bleed alot. If I'd hit my artery, well why not.. I can't get myself to cut alot deeper though (yet), it hurts a fair bit..For the past month or so I've been seeing a therapist once every one or two weeks. It hasn't been long, so maybe I shouldn't draw my conclusion so quickly, but I just don't see this going anywhere. It's a 5-session-treatment which focusses on my SH'ing and which supposedly is going to make me all better, once I find alternatives for SH (I wonder how they're planning to do that in five 45-minute sessions:unsure
. I've got my 4th appointment next week and during the past month I'm just feeling worse every day and cutting both more and deeper. I think I'm gonna suggest my therapist considers a slightly different approach.I really, really felt like taking an overdose once a few weeks ago. To my big regret I couldn't find anything but paracetamol, which I had read wasn't much use so I didn't feel like trying. I changed my mind though and took <mod edit>(I know it's not many, but I couldn't really convince myself <mod edit> would really have any effect after all) combined with <mod edit> (apparently, <mod edit> increases the toxicity or something (erm, sorry if that's a method)). I think I'm allergic to <mod edit> though, so I threw it all up the next morning.
Anyway, that's kind of how it is now. How did it get to this? Beats me. Let me tell you about my past (which, in my eyes, really isn't so awful, but still, for some reason, has led to this..).
Growing up and such..
I was born in the Netherlands. When I was nine months old, my father and mother moved to Norway and took me with them. That's where I grew up. About a year after we moved, my sister was born. My mom and dad got divorced when I was four or so. The only thing I can remember of those first few years is that my mom and dad didn't get along, at all. I remember things such as my father throwing the dishes on the floor, breaking most of it, and my mom pulling the tablecloth, everything set for dinner, off the table, while my sister and I sat under the table crying. Well, that was before they got divorced atleast. They didn't fight as often after that.
They had shared custody till I was 11 or 12 (can't remember excactly). Then my mother decided she didn't like Norway and moved back to the Netherlands. My sister and I lived with our father after that. My sister followed my mother to the Netherlands four years after her, and I followed the year after that. My father still in Norway. I've been living in the Netherlands for about 2,5 years now.
I had plenty of friends at school. I went to some really small alternative school, so I was in the same class with pretty much the same people every year for nine years. I knew all of them very well, obviously. They were friends, but not true friends, if you know what I mean. My friends were the kind of friends that you had a laugh with, hung out with, partied with every once in a while, but none of them were best friends. Up till recently (6 months ago..) there has never been anyone whom I ever talked to about my feelings, no one who was really emotionally involved. Seeing as my mother moved to a different country when, in my eyes, I needed her the most, my father just isn't someone to talk about your feelings with and no one else was really there for me, I apparently (my therapist said so:blink
subconciously ignored every single bad feeling I ever had.. Well, that wasn't smart.Erm, the nutshell is getting big, so I'll just skip a few years. It's good to get all that summed up though.
"This", my depression if you will, started with a girl (cliché, I know.. Anyway). She was my first true love, I really loved, I would've done anything for her, imagined how our relationship would be in 1, 2, 3 years time etc etc. I'd known her for almost two years and suddenly we both realized that.. well, we really liked eachother. It lasted for two months.. It was when we started dating that she told me more about herself. She was suffering from a depression and cutting herself. Alot happened, but long story short: Because of that, it didn't work out. I started cutting myself the day she broke up with me (if I remember correctly). It started out as cutting daily or several times a day, but as summer crept along and the new schoolyear started, I cut less frequently. When I started therapy (or just before), the cutting went back to daily and the cuts became more severe.
Anyway, love triggered all those cropped up emotions (well, I think it did..) and made me emotionally "active". The love I felt was something worth living for, now I'm struggling to find a reason. The more I think about, the more reasons I come up, the emptier I feel and the more useless this all feels. When I think about it, nothing is how I'd like it. I don't like being 18, I don't like the world I live in, the ignorance of almost everyone around me frustrates me (etc) and most of all - I'm confused. I can't explain how I feel, I feel this urge to explain why I do what I do, why people around me do what they do and why I react how I do, but I can't grasp any of it. It's just too much.
Every morning I wake up completely exhausted. The day will just be filled with things I can't understand and numerous attempts of, once and for all, figuring out what it is that I want and why, but every attempt ends with failure (or a cut, depends..). I told my therapist that to me, suicide is a possible way out, but not one I'd like to travel. Now it just seems more and more like the most logical choice. Why not?
I'm fighting to stay alive, but at the same time I'm thinking 'But why? I might aswell kill myself..'. Sure, it's the easy way out, but at the same time, it looks like it's the only one. I just can't be bothered with this anymore. I read somewhere that suicide is about practising (edit this part out if you need..) - when you can take the pain of, say, slitting your wrist and overcome the natural fear of dying, you're ready for suicide, so I'll just keep practising. I kinda hope I'm getting a prescription for some anti-depressants or other drugs aswell. An overdose seems like a clean way to go.
In the end, I can't explain any of it. It frustrates me, but at the same time I'm terrified of finding out why I'm SH'ing, why I'm 'suicidal', why I'm depressed, why 'everything'..
Anyway, thanks for reading. I'm kinda looking forward to talking to members of the community, which is good thing, I guess. Hopefully someone will understand..
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