Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Foxhen, Jan 17, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Foxhen

    Foxhen Member

    I ended up here via google, when I typed "slit your wrists" after woking up from one depressing night with my boyfriend. I have nearly cut my wrists twice, about three months ago after my brother passed away. No walking outside in t-shirts anymore..

    It was difficult at first to avoid cutting myself everytime I felt depressed (which I am nearly everyday..perhaps I just think too much about certain things) and at first I managed to keep my mind elsewhere by drawing and painting, but after a while I started to drink heavily, which hasn´t been part of my life before. Maybe one or two drinks per week but now I´d say I drink heavily at least four times a week + take at least one drink before going to work (not by driving but by buss). I just want to go bed my head totally numb so I´ll just fall asleep fast without starting to think about the reasons for my feelings.

    I wouldn´t say Im alcoholic, though. I don´t need to buy strong alcohol everyday, can manage a week without nicely. I haven´t cut myself anymore but it´s been close many times when ever I´ve felt down.. at the time when my brother died, I was still single, but now Im in a relationship and that is propably the main reason why I´ve managed to avoid cutting; I don´t want my boyfriend to see new scars.

    There are two other things besides my dead brother that make me sad; First is my current relationship to my parents- Im fine with my dad but it ain´t the same with my mom. We had a fight a day before christmass and I haven´t seen her since. She´s tried to make things ok again but I haven´t responded. I know she´ll never accept my boyfriend and as a whole I know that what I´ve had with my parents is never coming back. It´s sad because there´s been lots of good times and memories.. but I have to keep my eyes open for what´s in front of me now, not the past.

    Second (or kinda the 3rd); my boyfriend: Even 22 Im still a virgin and my boyfriend, 28yrs, has hurt my feelings badly two times now. Both have been about sex. We´ve tried many times and mostly the reason has been that his erection hasn´t been good enough for the condom, but the first time he hurt my feelings was when I just tried to direct him inside me, but you can imagine me being a bit tight not ever having used a dildo, so I didn´t manage in it. He got pissed, just rose from the bed saying he´ll go to the bathroom and after that went to the kitchen study. I was left to the bedroom and he didn´t even come talking to me. Not a word of sympathy or anything showing sign of worry me feeling sad of the situation. His acting made me feel like it´s ALL my fault.. The next morning he was like nothing had happened and smiled at me saying "you take this so seriously" after realizing the night before bothered me still.

    The second time (the last time he visited me) was even worse. I got pretty tired around 9pm and said we´ll try after a little nap. But after three hours I noticed in the bathroom my periods had started. Again, he got upset and as I layed beside him looking at him laying there on his back, eyes open, I asked after a long silent moment what´s he thinking and he said he´s pissed, really pissed cause of the situation. I just answered quietly that I can´t help it, and he kept on talking how we´ve been together for over a month now, still haven´t slept and that how hard it is with me and pondering what is ever going to come out of this. Yeah, he used to word ´this´ not ´it´. I said nothing and went to sleep on my sofa. Again that feeling that it´s all my fault, hit me, and I kept on dreaming about my boyfriend leaving me cause of this sex-thing. It was horrible.

    The next morning I didn´t say a word to him (I woke up early, he slept to 12am and left soon after that). He tried smiling at me and even put an arm around me, but I kept walking past him like he wasn´t even there. Again, not a word of how I was feeling or if everything was ok, even I had slept on the freaking sofa!!! I just went to sit on my bed before him leaving and he came and sat next to me. (shit, I´ve started to cry during writing this) He asked if it was the night that bothered me and again said with a kind voice that I take life so seriously and I said he seems to do the opposite. I didn´t rise up, hug him, look him in the eyes nor kiss when he left. And when I heard the door close I broke into tears.

    I don´t even think happily anymore about my future first time. All that the image makes me feel is hurt, feeling hopeless, sorrow and pain. I just don´t understand why my boyfriend doesn´t even seem to try to see this from my pov. He just thinks Im too sensitive and emotional. I love him and would love to please him more than anything and can´t imagine my life without him. But if Im not good enough as who I am for him, then he should just leave me.. I´ve said him manytimes, half joking, "well if that´s what you want in a woman then go find yourself one."

    My troubles are so small compared to so many sad stories I´ve read here, so Im not expecting huge sympathies but perhaps just persons with same experiences or just talking about things. Cause no matter big or small a problem, it´s hard to carry inside your heart alone.

    I hope for the best for every member here.

  2. zoebaby

    zoebaby Well-Known Member

    hi, its too bad that your boyfriend is acting like that. its also immature on his part. The reason people want to be in a relationship is to feel good and for support and it doesnt sound like hes supportive, and hes not making you feel good, in fact just the opposite. Is that the reason why ur mom doesnt like him, after all you are her daughter and im sure she loves you very much and just wants u to find someone nice, you deserve someone who makes you feel good! Life is too short to waste time with someone who brings you down :smile:
  3. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    I agree with zoebaby, your boyfriend sounds insensitive to your feelings/needs. A loving relationship is far more important than sex. Find yourself a new fella who wants you for the person you are, when the time is right, the sex will just happen, don't worry about still being a virgin. Your well being and mental health is far more important.
  4. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to sf:biggrin:
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear about what your boyfriend is putting you through. In many cases a months time is barely enough time to get to know one another let alone have intercourse. You should be proud of the fact you have kept your virginity. It is a gift that should be given because you want to give it, not because it is expected of you or because your partner feels he has waited long enough. If he doesn't respect that of you, then he may not respect many other things. I would not commit myself to him at this time.

    as for your parents, your mom has reached out to you to try to mend things. It is up to you to accept that. It seems to me you are throwing something good away for something that is not even a certainty in your life. Open up the line of communication between you once again. You only have one mother. Don't throw it away.
  7. Foxhen

    Foxhen Member

    No the reason my mom doesn´t like him is that she thinks my boyfriend brainswashed me to leave the churge. The fact is I wanted to do that when I still lived at my parents, but didn´t have the courage because I was afraid of my mother´s reaction (I had hinted about it couple of times and her answer was quite bitter and smth like "is that a marilyn manson-thing or what?"). My mother says she doesn´t bye that at all. But that is the truth. My dad, on the other hand, said smiling at me saying why the hec would he of all people get upset cause of such?? He doesn´t even like going to churge and isn´t religious in almost any way even he belongs to.

    Besides this sex-thing my boyrfriend understands me quite well and has comforted me couple of times when I´ve broke into tears cause of missing my brother. I guess because he ain´t that fragile himself and haven´t spent time with such people, it takes time from him to get used to it. Im going to meet him at his place in five days.. I´ll try to talk to him about it.
  8. Foxhen

    Foxhen Member

    :-o thank you very much for your support. I don´t want to leave him yet, want to give him a chance first. But I´ve thought about wether he´ll be the same when we move together, you know, wanting sex almost everyday? I know that as a virgin I can´t really relate to nonvirgin ones saying I can manage easily with rare sex, but there are just too many things in life that interest me more than sex! Probably the reason why Im still a V :biggrin:
  9. Foxhen

    Foxhen Member

    I appreciate your kind words, thank you. Yeah one of my friends, who lost her virginity when 13, has said to me I´ve been just reasonable. I´ve alwas been a homemouse, not going out with friends, go party just because it´s "so fun", nor been nervously thinking "omg Im still a virgin people will start laughing at me". I had many hobbies in my youth, sports mainly, and during those eight years I owned a horse all my time went at the stables, school, floorball and at home I drew and painted.

    Also, the reason for me avoiding people and being shy still and very sensitive, is because I got bullied in school till I was 15 (had only two friends at that time and the other came out as backstabber).. And when I was little, my dad used to drink a lot and they argued a lot with my mom, and also with my bigger brother.. was always standing there between two grownups, being afraid my dad might hurt my mom. Even as an adult now Ive still felt that cold feeling in my chest and nervousness to arise if Im visiting them and they start rising their voices. I might give a very strong image of myself, because Im not afraid or shamed of who I am and what I believe in, but that doesn´t mean I wouldn´t have my weak spots.

    Im a hard core Manson-fan who still cries everytime Bambi´s or Little Foot´s mother gets killed. Me in a so called nutshell:tongue:
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.