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Greetings...

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Paladin

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#1
#1
Hello everybody,

I originally found this forum a few months ago when I was extremely depressed one night, sort of googling the word "suicide" to see what I came up with... Decided tonight to register and see what I could do to help this community, and also what this community might be able to do to help me! :smile:

Allow me to start by saying that I'm not really suicidal, however when things get really bad I toss the idea around just to think about what it might be like. And lately, well... things have been getting really bad all the time. I don't believe I would actually do it though.

I'm a 30 y.o. male, married, and currently unemployed. Suffice it to say, the last 2 on that list are causing me the most grief right now...

First, I've been married for almost 10 years now, and for about 9 of those years, it's been a constant battle. We never seem to be able to get along for more than a few days, then it's nothing but fight fight fight for the next few weeks. I have tried everything to change the situation and make things good, but no matter what I do, she does nothing in return. Not only am I always working against my own pride and self-interest in the name of love, but her arrogance and unwillingness to admit her problems and do anything AT ALL to correct them. For our relationship to work, it would seem that I have to forego EVERYTHING that I want out of a relationship, and also allow her to walk all over me all the time. As you can imagine, that is NOT the relationship "working" at all... :sad:

Second, I've never been able to stick with one type of job for more than a couple of years or so, and I quit my last job about a month ago because the job itself, combined with the other things going on in my life, was driving me to entertain suicidal thoughts. It got to a point where I received nothing but demeaning criticism on a daily basis from my bosses, and no matter what I did it never made a difference, so after one particularly unenjoyable meeting with them, I grabbed my stuff, sent them a nasty "I QUIT!" email, and walked the hell out of there. I feel much less stress after doing so but the issue is, the job market is HELL. As time winds away and I'm unable to find other employment or leads or anything, we get closer and closer to losing much of what we have.

I also feel that the rest of my family is abandoning me, blaming me for the issues going on in my marriage, and I really have no friends to stand behind me. There are so many things making me miserable with just the marriage right now I could go on for hours listing them out, but I'll save you all the grief... I feel that Divorce is the only way out of this, but to accomplish that I first need a job so I can get my own apartment and get Separated from her, then pursue the divorce.

I feel alone, trapped, unloved, and miserable. Suicide to me seems like the only true way out of my problems, but as I've said, I couldn't bring myself to ever actually do it. Perhaps by spending some time on this forum, hopefully helping others, I will find that I am also helping myself. :smile:

Thanks for the ear and the shoulder.

-Paladin
 
J

Jess

#2
#2
Just wanted to say Howdy, and welcome,

Glad we can be your ear/shoulder!!! anytime of course!

:hug:

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now :sad: I know the feeling's of being trapped, alone, miserable. etc. a little to well. So I'm more than willing to offer my ear/shoulder personally anytime. feel free to pm me :smile: I've lots of hugs to offer as well lol if you don't mind of course

I hope that by spending some time here you feel better as well, and I'm glad you couldn't bring yourself to do it. even though I know at the time that makes you feel worse... but trust me, that's good that you couldn't! I'm glad.. or else I wouldn't of gotten the chance to meet yah here.. though I wish it were better circumstances

anwyays, I'll shut up for now

Take care!!!
 
P

Paladin

Member
#8
#8
Thanks for the warm welcome everyone. :smile:

It's funny, no matter what happens, no matter how bad it gets, I can never stand being in battle with my wife. We haven't even uttered a word to each other all week, and I feel that she should come to me, yet I am not good at going on like this. I always end up needing her touch, her affection, her essence, and I always crack, no matter HOW hard I try to stay mad.

Hence, tonight, I will be surprising her with dinner, desert, and movies when she comes home from work. I even have this little speech planned out about what we need to do to be happy together, even though words never truly seem to get through to her heart.

Still, I must try. I can't stand being miserable and fighting like this, so I always seem to be the one to try to makeup, no matter how much she hurts me. I guess that's why we're still married after all these years of misery.

That, and the fact that for the few hours or days at a time that we DO get along, things are REALLY good and I can't imagine being without her.

And I guess the sex is pretty good too.... :biggrin: :P

Wish me luck. I am forever hopeful that *this* time, will be the time that permanently sets our life together on the right and wonderful path to eternal happiness together...
 
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