When I was a child , about 4 . I saw gremlins, it scared me pretty badly, I suppose. I would go to sleep every night seeing them in the darkness , feeling them scratch me watching me . It would take me hours to fall asleep. Then one night after my father beat us and destroyed the house. That night as I lay my head down I saw them coming for me how ever I was bo longer scared of them I wanted to crush their sculls and remove their organs. Instead of flinching when I felt them scratch me, I would reach to grab them. I started falling asleep much quicker. so as I started going to school I started feeling kinda the same towards people. Then I had my first encounter with a bully , he had the first day , I'll give him that. But that night as I went to bed I planned for his demise. (mind you this is kindergarten) So the next day at school I ignored him until he touched something on my lunch tray ( which he did daily, to different people) which I let him walk away with it thinking that the spoon in my hand would not cause him enough damage so I slammed my lunch tray onto whose ever was next to me and attacked him with the lunch trays beating him mercilessly until two teachers had to pull me off of him . He got multiple staples and stitches, but I didn't feel that would suffice. So the first day we were both back at school as soon as school was let our I rushed over to his classroom and as soon as I saw him commenced to beating him with my book bag, that held every book that I had at school, again he needed more stitches and staples , and I was in juvenile, for the first time at age six. The first day after my suspension I again attacked him this time jumping on his head, needles to say juvenile and now therapy, and a different school district. Well, the bully there decided to pick on me, I attacked him viciously, he lost an eye. But the more violent I became the better I could sleep. Until my suicidal thoughts started turning outward. It scared me the first year of the things I was telling myself to do. I would wake hearing something to tell me to do some pretty abnormal shit to people, and would wonder who just yelled that at me and how could they see what was going on in my dream . Then years of this behavior followed. In/ out of juvie probation, only made it to high school for 2 months and was banned from the school district and ordered to get a ged at age 14 . But as I got involved with teenage gang activities my violence gave me a reputation. I sacred moat of my friends when something would happen, meaning the way in which I was going to retaliate. Up until I hit adult hood hood which I have mentioned how that turned our in a different thread. Well for numerous years I controlled myself turning everything back inward. Until five years ago, and again I was concerned and frightened for a few months. And had it under control, until I went to combat , and was about to come home, when the doctor says I became passive aggressive, on top of the multiple ptsd traumas that happened throughout my life. I started making a plan that would have me cross the country three times to get it to work most effectively. I have been talking to my doctor about it which I might as well just talk to my inner self about cause all he does is write a few notes down to pass off to which ever therapist I might have for what ever week. I guess the point is that i fall asleep like a baby when im have such deranged thoughts but then i also sleep like a baby i get startled awake after a couple of hours. But i have managed to get it controlled enough where i can get between three and four hours of sleep roughly every 24 hours. Ok so this whole thread is kinda hell idk i actually haven't slept in over 53 hours. Sorry if it doesn't much make sense.