Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Aaron, May 2, 2008.

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  1. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    My brother died 28 years ago he was 26 and i was 21 his name was Aslam,i loved him more than anyone.
    His wife died unexpectedly and in his grief he hung himself....he had known her since he was 14...they had been married for two months.

    Due to my circumstances at the time i was unable to grieve.
    Over the the years i have developed Bipolar disorder,and whilst i do remember having mild episodes of mania in my teens it has become more severe as i have got older...since my brother there a connection?

    Often during my episodes i think of my brother,though sometimes not at all.
    I cannot cry for him,the tears flow but i am not crying,i feel as though i am fighting with myself,one part wants to let go the other wants to supress....but neither of these parts are consciously me....i am incapable of controlling either,and yet it is i holding to my brother via the pain?

    He left me,i can't leave him,i am now older than him and yet i still feel younger...i am still life has been a mess...i am often suicidal.

    How do i grieve,how do i let go....and what happens if i do?

    I never knew him as a man only as an older brother,what he was,what he thought,what was important to him....these things i will never know...i still love him more than anyone...where are you brother? why won't you help me? wasn't my fault....we didn't know this would happen.

    I don't know what i feel.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 2, 2008
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Aaron I so desperately wish I had the answers you're looking for. Your pain and torment is so immense! I cant even begin to comprehend such a tragic loss. But I can tell you you're not alone hun. You have the members here that care about you and that will try to help you through this. Please be safe.
  3. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    He left a letter giving his reasons....i have never read it.
  4. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I think that you would benefit immensely from therapy.
  5. Bostonensis

    Bostonensis Guest



    When my parents was in so much agony from pain, Watching them while being helpless makes me numb & disabled to grieve. I am still grieving & I don't know if I or when there is closure. The best comfort I can find myself is the teachings of my Dad. Before he died he always told us, to Not mourn his death but celebrate his life in helping others. This is his legacy that lives in me & certainly to the next generation to come. I
    would guess that your brother is loving you in every memories you have about him, he wouldn't want you to be in sorrow for him. Same if I pass away, I wouldn't want my love ones to suffer my death but celebrate my memories. His decisions you must respect & give your brother a chance to be in peace & we must liberate ourself from grief. This is wanted by them for us.

    Wear his shirts, do the things he likes to do. Everytime I wear my Dad's shirt I feel him & memories flow & sometimes it makes me sad ,sometimes it makes me laugh, he is a comedian. Then the numdness seems to go away.And everything will be alright. Ask him to help you go on.

    This is an insights from my experiences about my parents , in hope it would help you. As in helping you, you are helping me.I celebrate his life.

    "Suffer the pains ,but don't fear them"- by Endinday
    Last edited: May 4, 2008
  6. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your replies.

    My brother was a music lover as i am too,he introduced me to many bands of the 60's and 70's,i still listen to much of the music we shared...we spent a lot of time together listening to music.

    The age gap between us was significant then(as it is when we are young) so we never really spoke about deeper things,it was mostly music orientated,books and general stuff,lot's of laughs,we have a ridiculous sense of humour...the age difference would have become insignificant as we got older and we would have grown even closer together.

    I am like my brother in many ways.

    He was my soul mate....he is with me,inside me...i've locked him in.

    I have tried many times to replace the love and safety i felt with him....yet i continually reject those who give me their love...i become numb,uncaring,unfeeling and full of hate for them....why?
    Last edited by a moderator: May 4, 2008
  7. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Dont reject the love. It may come a time when you will not be able to get it. I know, I am already there, I desperatly need love, but I dont have... And it hurts... Especially when you are ready to give and accept love, but no one else wants that from you.
  8. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    I don't consciously do it...i can't help myself,i get incredibly paranoid....and start thinking wierd stuff....and i test them all the time and play mind games to see if they really love me....the real see if they can they help me.
  9. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    You dont have to make tests about that. Its something you can feel it. And to be honest, there are only few people that can love the real you, trully, because if you are nice good and succesfull, they will like you because of that, but also they will not like you because of that. Its weird, i know. But trust me, accept what you have. Get all the love you can get, its never enough.
  10. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    It is difficult for me to accept that my partner may never know who i really am....that i am unable to share my inner self with the person i love.
  11. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Why's that? What is that you can not share?
  12. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    The nothingness...The weakness.
  13. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

  14. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Yeah, me to... But, if there is someone who really loves you, you can share everything with him. I dont have a such a person in my life, and I will never have... If you do have, feel free to talk and share what you have on your heart...
  15. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    And dont you think that if you find a person who loves you, that this person will fill that emptyness inside you?
  16. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    I read all the letters, I read each word that you sent to me
    And though it's past now, and the words start to fade
    All the memories I have

    I've kept all the pictures, but I hide my feelings so no-one knows
    Oh sure my friends all come round, but I'm in a crowd on my own
    It's 'cos you're gone now, but your heart, still remains
    And it'll be here if you ever come again

    You see, I'd heard the rumours, I knew before you let me know
    But I didn't believe it, not you,
    No you would not let me go
    Seems I was wrong, but I love, I love you the same
    And that's the one thing that you can't take away...
  17. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    I thought i did have,my current partner from whom i am becoming increasingly estranged made what i thought to be a really callous remark,very offhand,in that moment i hated her,she would never have said that had she known me as she says she does....and i was in one of these times where i feel very tender,weak and empty...without hope...if she knew me she would know.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 5, 2008
  18. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    You feel empty too?

    Why do you say you will never have such a person in your life?
  19. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Well, Im 25 (26 in july), Im ugly, too ugly, i have health problems, only a few friends, i dont know if they are real friends or not, i have never had a girlfriend, and i will never have, because of my situation. And im so in love in a girl, but she doesnt love me and she will never love me. I think this is enough to feel completely empty...
  20. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    And if you want to know something more, and if you like to read, i can give you some links to my threads.

    You can find all the threads started by me here:

    But you can read only those and you will know almost everything about why I feel empty:
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