My brother died 28 years ago he was 26 and i was 21 his name was Aslam,i loved him more than anyone. His wife died unexpectedly and in his grief he hung himself....he had known her since he was 14...they had been married for two months. Due to my circumstances at the time i was unable to grieve. Over the the years i have developed Bipolar disorder,and whilst i do remember having mild episodes of mania in my teens it has become more severe as i have got older...since my brother died....is there a connection? Often during my episodes i think of my brother,though sometimes not at all. I cannot cry for him,the tears flow but i am not crying,i feel as though i am fighting with myself,one part wants to let go the other wants to supress....but neither of these parts are consciously me....i am incapable of controlling either,and yet it is me....am i holding to my brother via the pain? He left me,i can't leave him,i am now older than him and yet i still feel younger...i am still 21...my life has been a mess...i am often suicidal. How do i grieve,how do i let go....and what happens if i do? I never knew him as a man only as an older brother,what he was,what he thought,what was important to him....these things i will never know...i still love him more than anyone...where are you brother? why won't you help me?...it wasn't my fault....we didn't know this would happen. I don't know what i feel.