Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by GoldenPsych, Feb 12, 2011.

  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I wonder if the grief I carry around about my Nan dying 11 years ago is normal. By now I should have learnt to live with it surly. It seems as I get older I am grieving more and more. Perhaps it's because I surpressed it when it happened. I needed to be the strong one. I needed to not break down and carry other people. I was 15! I was the one that helped plan the funeral. I remember sitting there xmas eve 1999 helping to pick out coffins. Some memories are still so strong. I know I will always love her and have a great respect for her. I love how she worried about me and mothered me more than my own mother, but how I could also take the piss out of her for doing so.

    My mum talks about her childhood and the pressures she had put on her from my Nan. In a way she talks about her as she resents her at times and I hate it. My memories of her are great. Yes she mothered me and was over protective but in the same way she was cool Nan. For instance my brothers smoked in front of her ages before they did my parents. She helped my dye my hair for the first time. I still miss her so much. I love her so much and I have vivid dreams about her all the time. I actually like to think the dreams I have about her are when she still visits me. Although I would class myself as agnostic I believe there is some life after death.

    I would hate to think I am letting her down now. Sometimes what pulls me back from the suicide urges are thinking what she would say if she found out. I have a feeling she is looking down on me and worrying, I talk to her sometimes and hopes she comes to me other than just in my dreams. I want to talk to her. I want to get to know her as an adult that I am now rather than just the child I was when she died. People who remember her before my grand dad died (it was an accident, he was 54 and I was only 1 so I can't remember him) say that she was never the same person. She was totally different. I loved that person I knew. I miss theNan that I knew. I never knew her before grandad died. I think I have memories of him but I am not sure if it's memories or people telling me stories. I used to talk to him when i felt bad before Nan died No one knew that I did. But I liked to think he was watching over me watching me grow up. I never knew him but I liked to think that as I was his only grand daughter I held a special place in his heart.

    Who knows if there is life after death. I think there is. I think they are both looking down on me and occasionally want to grab me by my hair shake me around a bit and scream at me for what I am doing.

    I think the most important person in my life will always be my Nan. I will never forget you and I want to get better for you. I want you to see me sucedding in a career. I want to have a glass of sherry and remember you.

    I love you so much. You are always in my heart.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Grief has no time spand okay we all handle it differently I am sorry you miss your nan and i hope you do continue on so you can be proud of yourself hugs.
  3. Nima

    Nima Well-Known Member

    I believe that its normal to carry around grief for 11 years but sometimes you have to let go the pain that you are harboring