Grieving for nothing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mortal Moon, Feb 5, 2010.

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  1. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like something is lost. I don't know what it is. I think I lost it a long time ago. I think I loved it. I think I failed to protect it.

    I don't want to live any more. There's nothing left. My whole world is gone. Everything is empty. I can't move on or forget. It would be a lie and a betrayal. I have to die.

    I feel like I'm going insane. My thoughts have no structure. I can't be coherent. I'm focused on only one thing, yet it's so complex. All I can feel is grief. I don't want anything else.

    Please help me. Please let me die.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    How long have you been grieving this?
  3. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    * hug * yorkie xx
  4. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    My whole life- or that's what it feels like. I've only begun to be severely affected by it in the last couple years, and I haven't truly recognized it until a few days ago.

    This is more than depression. My soul is waking up. I'm starting to understand that something very important has been lost forever, and I cannot live without it.
  5. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    i am pretty familiar with those feelings, i have them meself. about 8-9 years ago i thought i had it all, good job, had money, alot of fun during and after work and suddenly its all gone.but whats gone ? what happend? i cant recall i cant remember.something is gone something happend yet i have no clue what "this" is.i just know my wolrd collapsed and i am still depressed and cant seem to find a way out.i dont know your history, am not aware of your situation but there must be something other then unfinished buisness keeping you alive? for me it is i somehow found a way to say FUCK YOU i will not die because i am not loved by anyone or cant seem to find a solution for my illness at this stage.somehow i am still able to have dreams about things i would like to do before leaving even tough i cant seem to think further than a day ahead.
    i also have had suicidal thoughts but somehow because i; also due tue my sickness find meself "strange/weird" dont want to leave and stay in others memory as even more strange.
    there must be something keeping you among us which is good, have you searched for help? what is your age if i may ask? is there anyone you can talk to in your family who will take you serious?
  6. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I'm 22. I go to a therapist regularly, but I refuse to take medication for various reasons. I talk to my parents quite a bit, but it's a little embarrassing.

    I do feel like my preparations for death are the only thing keeping me alive at this point.
  7. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    You stated it has been with you a long time but recognized what happening over the last few days. Have you had a chance to discuss this change with your therapist? You can ask him for suggestions about what to do.

    I'm thinking that since you are now recognizing this as grieving, that you treat it as grieving rather than depression. I'm not saying to ignore you depression, but rather, to separate the two and treat them separately.

    You mentioned that you lost something, that you did not protect it. If this is something from your childhood, you may have been in a position to not be able to protect something, but you blame yourself.

    I would presume at this point you at an early age would not have had the ability to protect and I would grieve the loss as it needs to be grieved.

    When I was 3 1/2, I saw the grown ups downstairs having a bon fire in the backyard of the apartments we lived in. One of them threw my teddy bear into the fire. It still hurts to this day. I'm still mad a the unthinking man that did it.

    Give yourself a chance to get through this.
  8. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    buddy, this is no time to be embarrased. they are your parents and will likely help you? but you must let them. it is hard yes. i have found a way to distance meself from my former suicidal thoughts, what makes you think you can not. reading from your postings you are quite a bit more inteligent as i am. i am not special, at this stage i am able to say i refuse to say goodbye even though i do not like my current life, so can you. are you still going to school on a daily basis? hang in there buddy dont give up allready
  9. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member


    I see my therapist tomorrow; I'm gonna have a lot to discuss with him, that's for sure.

    I don't know what I'm grieving for; all I know is that I love it more than anything else in the world. It's so hard to go on without it, you have no idea.


    But what's the point of continuing on, if I've lost the only thing that matters? If I can't even remember what it was, or why it was so important to me? The only thing that remains is my love for it. And I intend to carry that to my grave.

    I go to school every day; I sleep and eat; I take care of my personal hygiene. I go through all the motions, but none of it really matters. I'm just spinning my wheels.

    See the quote in my signature, which is particularly meaningful to me.
  10. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    The point is that you are way to inteligent to just say goodbye. you are strong enough to go to school and participate in all other things which concerns normal life. i could not wenn i was most depressed, i couldnt even go take a shower or take care of meself in any way. somehow i think you are still able to look further then just a day ahead, if you can do that then you should be able to see some kind of future for yourself.
    i have tried to find some of your first postings to read some more about your history and current situation but the forum somehow only allows to view back 250 postings.
    please try to explain this "thing" which you cant discribe.wenn did you loose it for your feeling, at what age? what happend after you lost it? your world just suddenly collapsed?
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