I haven't used the forum in a very long time. Mainly I just stick to pm and chat after i thought i was going to leave the site. I've been suicidal on and off lately. Some new logic that I've been subscribing to would consider suicide illogical and unhelpful in ending any negative feelings but i still feel suicidal and depressed and don't feel in control of my actions as much as I would like to be. Basically, what I'm struggling with right now is loss of 'friendships' or 'friends'. I just lost my main friendship in my life. An internet friend stopped being friends with me because his girlfriend thought he was cheating on her with me. he just said 'i can't talk to you anymore' and left. I can't believe that he would abandon me like that. I have a lot of trust and abandonment issues and he knows that and left me anyway. i thought i could trust him, which is why i decided to be his friend. So I'm at a point in my life where i feel like no one understands me and i have no one to lean on. I have a history of 'bad' friendships or friendships that ended traumatically (or at least it feels that way with me). I don't think I know how to have a stable friendship let alone a bf/gf relationship. In a large majority of relationships that I've had, I was only being used in some way (sexually, emotionally, etc.) but i would stick around because of my loneliness and my lack of ability to find friends around where i live that are in my age range (16-25ish). I have been in contact with a friend that i had in middle school who is only about an hour away, but it would be inappropriate to talk with her about most of my feelings because she is not someone that would be able to handle it and is very sensitive. So in a way, i feel like she doesn't really know me, or like no one can really know the complete 'all of me'. So if people only know and like specific parts of me or a fake me, then no one knows me, no one cares about me, no one loves me, and in this universe I'm unknown and alone to all things that could possibly interact with me. Sometimes I keep my phone beside me to feel less lonely or the tv on and in a way it feels less lonely than being in a public place and just being in the physical presence of people. I have my dog and she's always been there for me, and even though she is smart, she can't understand most of the things I think about and experience on a daily basis. But even now she is old, and might not be here for much longer. I'm trying to get a job, more volunteer opportunities, just to practice interacting with people even if they are not in my age range. I am moving out of my house soon and away from my family (who used to be abusive to me but often deny it and 'forget' about what i told them about my brother). So technically, I should be happy about that. I don't want to be in any more psychwards or mental hospitals because in my experience some workers are abusive and don't understand mental health, and those that do try, usually aren't very helpful in understanding the whole situation and don't care to the extent that i would like someone to care about my situation (not that i can really blame them for this, but i still feel disappointed). I asked for a fish tank for Christmas and if I get one, I will buy some fish and it might improve my situation a bit. And there is still a possibility that i will get a job accepted for a job at the animal shelter and if not, i can volunteer there at least, if not for human friends, then to interact with cats and dogs to make their lives a little better before they are either adopted or euthanized. Thanks for reading, especially if you read all of it.