Hi Hurtinggg, and welcome to SF.
I 'm finding it hard to think of what to say... I'm devastated to hear that. Losing someone in such a way is unimaginable.
Suicide is not your fault. Suicide is no one's fault. If I did kill myself, I wouldn't want my family or friends blaming themselves because it's just not true. Sometimes, no amount of love can save someone, the pain is just too much. It's natural to blame ourselves when something like this happens, but if there's one thing I swear to you now, she did not kill herself because you didn't love her enough. It's much more complicated than that. I would say that when you suffer from suicidal thoughts, often even just knowing that a friend is there means a lot. You should NOT feel guilty, and I can not emphasize that enough.
Let us know if there is anything we can do to help you. I would second
@Petal and suggest getting some sort of grievance counselling. We are here to listen to you - if you want to talk some more, feel free to message any of us, join the chat, post a thread, anything.
Sending so many hugs
Em