Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Risky, Apr 26, 2008.
I want to swallow my blades. Well, I don't want to, but feel driven to. This is not good.
I would recommend against swallowing blades.
Swallowing blades is bad, don't do it !
Hey. Don't swallow blades. That's not cool. :unsure:
Talk about a sore throat!
I don't want to and I'm fighting, but I'm driven. If I don't do it while consciously aware then my mind will black out and I'll do it whilst losing time. That happened with a hefty OD recently. I'm very, very scared.
Chew gum. Do something to make it less in-reach?
If push comes to shove, is there anyone you can stay with or have stay with you until this urge passes? Quite difficult to be a hazard to yourself with others are 'round.
If you swallow blades you're going to be in an agonising amount of pain while they damage your insides- can you imagine that? Do you want that pain? You'd be bleeding internally, and would need surgery- you'd go to A+E and have emergency services all over you. You might very well die.
What is making you feel this way? Keep talking here.
(I've felt like you in the past, you're not alone here :hug
p.s have you tried spitting on the blades? That would be opposite to swallowing them which might be of relief? Just an idea. Throw those blades away? Put them as far as you can away? I don't know. Distance them from your mouth somehow as right now they seem to be wanting to get in (and the results would be not good, as you say)
Thanks for the replies peoples
I can fight the urge right now, but I'm scared of when I lose time and do it without realising I am doing it. That terrifies me.
I'm not bothered about the amount of pain, or the horrific injuries, or even dying, to be honest, that would be what I deserve. I should call the crisis team, but last time I did when I was in this situation they stressed me out so much that I did it anyway. I can't afford to do anything that might trigger a blank of time.
I have clusters of 25 blades hidden in many places, none really near me, and all I will have to go searching for, which will hopefully take up some time of the blank and mean the damage will be less. I don't want to go anywhere near the blades to get rid of them because even just touching them might cause the time blank and cause me to do it.
I've started a new med and this is what it has done to me. Not good.
Thank you to all who have responded, it is very much appreciated.
Okay. I do hope you get that med checked out- it's good you can identify some cause for what you're feeling.
I do hope you feel better soon :hug:
Oh, hun... try and take care :hug:
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Thanks ggg456 and The_Discarded.
All I can say to you, undefined scissors is WTF?
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I wonder how long I can last feeling like this :|
The docs are keeping a very close eye, and know how I'm feeling, but that doesn't actually help when feeling this rough.
please please join :biggrin: i like ya already :tongue:
Feel free to talk about whatever you want, and hi-jack my thread with stuff I don't understand as much as you like. *rolls eyes*
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I don't care that no one can help, right now, all I care about is the fact I am on the edge and I have no one to really talk to, no one who can really help me, no one who really cares (who knows me and cares). I'm so close to doing this. My body/mind is semi dissociating and I'm barely keeping myself with myself. If I do this, I hope it kills me. It won't be a suicide attempt, I am trying to live, but it would nice for this to all end and for me to be at peace. Probably not what I deserve, I deserve this hell hole, but nevermind.
Do you have a crisis team you can contact?
I've been reading your thread and I do care. Even though I'm a stranger I do care that you keep yourself safe.
Bear in mind, like you say the med could be why you're feeling like this. I know how medication can really screw with your mind a lot.
:hug: I'm going to have to go now but I do care about you and what you're going through sounds really bad and I do hope you keep yourself safe and let a medical professional know. I know what you mean about 'no one that really cares about me' but hang in there and wait for the medication effects to go off- in the mean time you sound like you do need outside support though, quickly (crisis team, psychiatrists etc, I'm assuming you're in the UK where they have these things though). I've had really bad voices, images, urges of self harm when on an antipsychotic it was horrible.
Thank you for the replies. It means a lot.
Last time I called the crisis team they tried to palm me off with distractions and stressed me so much I lost time and took a hefty OD. My GP acknowledges that when I call them I am in a much worse state than most other people that call because I don't like to ask for help, but they don't know that, and refuse to see it.
I think it must be the meds. The when I went on the first anti-dep I started cutting again. The second anti-dep was followed by my first nearly successful suicide attempt, the third anti-dep led to me being sectioned. I was on one for two weeks at the beginning of April and then changed to another one because things were getting worse and it seems like a whammy now with two meds in my system. I'm sailing over the edge and I'm so very scared. I can almost feel the metal sliding down my throat, maybe tearing my gullet.
Part of me thinks hospital might help, but then I know the urge won't go until I do it unless the meds start to work or they can give me something to stop the urges/images/dissociation. Most likely though, they will just discharge me in the same state I am now. I just can't cope anymore.
Ok, I'm still here. From what I'm reading, anti depressants don't seem to suit you . You've tried a lot. I was a lot like you and felt completely spaced out/dangerous on them.
I don't think there is a medication that stops dissociation (maybe there is , a psych mentioned one to me maybe there's something out there) but there might be things to help you sleep all this off.
Instead of calling the Crisis team maybe it's best to go to A+E and have a talk to them there. They will be be less likely to palm you off there. I'd get there around now as psychiatrists are not there all the time, at my hospital they leave at 11 pm and you're left talking to a CPN/or social worker who'd send you back home.
If you are admitted they won't discharge you unless you tell them you don't feel like the way you do now. If you go there saying you feel like swallowing blades and will do so if you go back home there is a strong possibility you will get admitted and hospital is there for safety in situations like yours when you're in a crisis. They will take your blades off you hopefully, keep an eye on your medication (tell them you have 2 in your system and perhaps need a lower dosage, need to get off at least one) and they'll monitor you, which is what they are there for. Sometimes when ringing, they won't get a full idea of how serious your situation is unless you turn up there.
Also the people in the crisis team change, so there's a possibility you might not see people who stress you up but will listen to you carefully.
Also insist on seeing a psychiatrist and getting a Mental Health Act assessment done, rather than a CPN or social worker alone- because they are the people who are most likely to stress you, not listen to you and send you back home as they don't have the power to admit you and are there just to send people back home really...
As for medication - you need to really listen to yourself and think if they are actually helping you as they do seem to land you in hospital a lot looking at your post. If you tell this to the doctors- maybe they'd be more careful in doses, getting you off certain medication, or perhaps off them altogether if you feel better off them yourself.
You are under no obligation to take medication if they are making you cut, attempt suicide,overdose. If they threaten you in the community you can get a mental health advocate or Mind involved (or a social worker, do you have one? who will be on your side) as you have proof in your history that medication is quite unsafe for you.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies. I appreciate it so much. More than I can explain. So thank you.
At my A&E if you go, you see a psychiatric liaison nurse, then they refer you to the crisis team and the crisis team can refer you to a psych. The PLN is only on 9-5 mondays to fridays. All very stupid and all not very helpful.
You're right, I doubt there is a med for dissociation, but if I had a med to help with the urges/images, etc, then it probably would never get to the stage where I had been fighting for so long that I do dissociate. Sorry, I didn't think what I was writing before I wrote it.
Again, I wasn't clear. I am only taking one med at the moment, but I would think that the previous one is still in my system, if not, then this one (Efexor) is a killer.
I want to try meds, I asked for them, because they don't know what they can do to help me. I'm on the waiting list for DBT, but until them I have no support or anything (nope, no social worker). This might help me feel better, eventually. My docs are keeping a very close eye on me. I have to see my GP on Wednesday. I'm going to be totally honest with him, if I make it to there. He's not my regular one but he is nice. I've never got to a point where the meds have had chance to kick in properly because of the side effects, and I'm hoping that I may be able to get to that point with these and they might make a difference. I'm really hoping.
I wish I had a simple urge. I can do physical damage to my body with a 'tool', that's easy. Tablets are 'easy'. I could do it and get it over with and feel better. This is NOT easy. This is a nightmare. I also learnt how to make a noose. That's my other 'need', or urge, to hang myself, yet I'm trying to live. Go figure.
Thank you so much for your replies.