Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BornFree, Apr 5, 2011.

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  1. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say... appt with surgeon for biopsy is on Friday. If its cancer I don't know if I can get through this... I feel so ill now anyway I don't think I'm strong enough. I am the ultimate failure. I am not someone who would be missed, with feeling so ill I have shrivelled up into nothing already, I have lost contact with everyone who cared. I just want the pain to stop permanently!!!
  2. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry that times are hard for you hon, truly I am.. but please don't ever think you wouldn't be missed. I know you haven't been around as much lately, but whether you are here are not, you are always in our hearts. As we know, it sometimes is too much to converse with people when things seems so difficult, so hopeless, but when you are ready to do so, we will all still be here, waiting for you with open arms. Because you are a lovely person, and that is what you deserve. You are very close to my heart, I care about you immensely, and I truly hope you understand that. Please keep me updated on how it goes on Friday, I will - as always - be thinking of you. You matter to me, to a lot of us. I know that is hard to get your head around, especially when you feel this low, and I understand that even if you rationally understand it, when things seems to hopeless it is hard to allow rationality a look in, but it is a fact, you DO matter, you ARE a lovely person, I DO care, as do others here.

    Thinking of you, as always
    Me :wub: :hug: :cheekkiss: :console: :wub:

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i hope the resutls come back soon and you are okay You will be okay no matter what results are just take one step at a time and deal with it then The doctor and nurses will help get you through it all You are important okay you will be missed hugs
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling so crumby as of late Ditsy. I have never really spoken to you before, but I have read your posts and advice that you give to others. You are a very selfless person and no matter how bad things have gotten you have always offered your support to others. It is such an amazing quality to behold, one which many do not possess. I can see from this that you would be missed by many. I hope the results come back fine hun, and whatever the outcome, know that we here will always be here to support you.

    All the best hun and good luck,

  5. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Thank you - your posts mean more than you know! SF is my sanctuary where people know the real me, and yet still care! I don't deserve it but Thank you xxx The letter has arrived so its official and appt is with a Prof so yeah that should make me feel better somehow I guess, but I am still terrified!
    I am so over fighting this over whelming panic and need to pack it in, just admit defeat, I want to run and run until I outrun all these problems. Instead I plaster a smile on my face for my kids and just pray it seems genuine to them at least. Whats sickening is that I don't have life insurance and now with this cancer scare no one will approve me. I have lost months and months of my life waiting for meds to work and burying my head in the sand all this time has only made things worse.
    Urrgghhh I wish I was stronger and able to live my life with some dignity.
  6. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Hey honey,

    You do deserve care and kindness, don't let yourself believe otherwise! You matter a great deal hon, I know I for one would be lost without you!
    I know you must be petrified, I wish there was something I could do, something I could say, to take that way a little bit, to ease the fear, but I can't. What I can do is be right here for you, always. Tomorrow is going to be hard sweetie, but I know you have the strength to do this. You have SUCH a clear inner strength, even though I know you don't see that within yourself. It is understandable that you feel the way you feel, that you just want to give up, and I totally get where you are coming from, but you need to keep fighting hon. Not just for you, but for your children, for me, for the people who care. And in turn, we will be here to support you every step of the way.
    Please don't allow yourself to get stressed out too much with the whole life insurance problem hon. You have enough going on right now, without worrying about something that you can't change. Have you looked online at different insurance places? I really think that at the moment you need to focus on YOU and your health, not necessarily the practical side of things right now.
    You HAVE dignity. My goodness, you are one of the most compassionate, dignified, caring, funny, lovely people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I feel honoured that I am lucky enough to count you as a friend. Everyone struggles, everyone hurts, that does not mean you are weak or undignified in any shape or form. I know that's hard to believe, but you just have to trust me on this one.

    Sending loadsa love and big huge hugs right now
    Meee xxxxxx
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are stronger then you you thing hun to deal with so much everyday you have great inner strength. Funny how kids know when things are not well you don't have to put on a fake smile for them they love you and know that you are going through tough times Be as open as you can with them okay just let them know mom not feeling to great today they will understand . SF is a safe haven and i am glad you come here to just talk and to be heard hugs
  8. There are many oncology patients who lived to become cancer warrior.. There are many cancer meds you haven't try.. Ask your drs for treatment.. There are many cancer treatments.. What stage is your cancer..? Maybe its not cancer.. Take care and all the best to you. :hugtackles: Do post back to let us know how you are doing..
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    hey ditsy..I am sending best wishes for your appointment and have everything crossed for you..
    think positive thoughts ok.
    you are a very important person to your children and here on SF also
    let us know how you go..:hugtackles:
  10. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Most biopsies show benign growth.

    As for cancer, its unlikely it is - but you obviously deal with that when you get the results.

    I know a few people who have had cancer - these days its easy.

    Now, as for you being the ultimate failure, I doubt that very much. you'd be unable to use the internet, type or even have the sense to use this forum to tackle the depression. A failure would kick the dog - bully others and only use this forum to mock others - to get a kick out seeing people who are vulnerable.

    You come across as quite caring, sensible and far from a failure.

    Besides, if you have depression, you have to understand that one of the various manifestations of the condition is seeing yourself as a failure. Lets be logical about it - if you were such a failure how do get such an insight in the first place?

    I guess that for now, this biopsy has you worried. If you have children, even more so. But you ought not be isolated, maybe now is a good time to reach out to a few family at least. I hope you have some family - I know not everyone is that fortunate.

    I'll say a prayer that your biopsy comes up fine - but also that you can get some light back into your life after you are over this.

    I got a few friends who have had cancer scares - and when they are negatives it generally gives you a little impetus to maybe take back your life a little. It can be done - and I hope you can get back in touch with people again.
  11. the_only_one

    the_only_one Well-Known Member

    i know its hard to realie it, but everyone here loves you, you have helped all of us so much probably saved some of us, i hope everythingcomes back squeaky clean:)
  12. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Thank you all so much, your encouragement and care is priceless. I'm gobsmacked that people who have never even met me would care enough to post such kind and caring words to ME!!! Thank you xxx
    I just sat crying reading your posts as it means so much when I feel so alone.

    I saw a Dr he wasn't the Prof, not that it matters I guess, he said he THINKS its a Fibroma, which are benign, but wants to remove it to confirm its not cancerous. So they said they will ring or send another letter with an appt. Part of me just wants to be relieved and think things are fine now, but the other stressy part of me is thinking what if its not. 25 yrs ago this year in July my Mum died of cancer and when they tested her they also said it was benign, opened her up to remove it and then just closed her again as the cancer had spread so badly there was nothing they could do...

    So yeah not in a great place, but better for knowing there are people who care!

    Hugs Ditsy x
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No wonder you are so frightened hun iwould be too if i was in your shoes. I hope all test can be done quickly so you do not have to wait so long Keep posting okay because we do care and we want you to know you are NOT alone okay hugs
  14. herenow

    herenow Well-Known Member

    Like most of my family including me had some sort of "cancer scare". I won't go into details for mine, but I went to a second doctor and said what the other one said was "far fetched". And my grama had a lump, and she saw a specialist, and he said there's less than like a 3 percent change it's actually cancerous! So I hope that makes you feel better.
  15. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much - yes it does make me feel better xx

    Had op, lump removed, very painful. Thankfully GP understood and gave me more painkillers which are almost finished. It Got infected so still really sore.

    As for results it was sent for histology and a bunch of other tests which I didn't understand and was told Lab in that city is so far backed up that I have to wait for Sept to get the results! Well, I was floored and asked if I could just ring to get results and they said they won't give results unless its face to Face!

    Meanwhile I guess I am just feeling too ill to care, I could honestly just take the painkillers and sleep for months. Not managing to eat too much, so I guess the weight loss is a bonus!

    Thank you all again, being on the receiving end it hits home just how much each post and feedback means. xx
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