Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lifeislife, Oct 18, 2009.

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  1. lifeislife

    lifeislife Member

    Just finding interesting how everybody talk about being alone and how painfull is that. I seems to have opposite problem. People just dont wanna ignore me. Im not excatly sure why. People just love to see me being in pain i think.

    Anger starting to really stack up. I dont defend myself verbaly, because in my head that would mean getting on their low level. In my head only way how to defend myself as man is to hit the person. So i takeing all in and waiting for snap. I know how to fix this problem. Ignoring dosent help. You need also *look like you dont care* and make impression you are succesfull and strong. Thats most likely not gonna happen with me.

    Even thought we as family have zero money, i more or less force them to move away from our living place. Because i knew if we stay here i would hurt some of my neighboors. This happened 2 - 3 weeks ago. Family get the job quite fast so it looks a little more stable now.

    But im not doing good at all. I hide very well how i feel. School just depress me alot, makes me angry. I dont like single thing i learn there. Im terible student. I dont wanna live this life. I feel like my past problem slowly folowing me in to my new living place. Too many crap happen in my childhood. It haunting me way too often. There is not one day where i dont think about suicide. Not a single freaking day.

    Now i live in 9 floor of fairly tall bulding. Its very tempting. Before i had to walk hour to train station and by that time i always lost the guts. Overhelming feeling of lolelines is really huge right before you are going to do that. Especially if you go at night. It also require alot of courage to wait for that huge dark metal noisy thing to squash you under its feet. I work out more than 1 year and the only reason i do that is to finally get the guts to end it. Now if i jump, i have like 90% chance to die i think. Its just way easier now.

    Now nobody cant say i didnt try. If you fail school so many times like i did ( im 23 and doing 3 year of high school.. ), thats just ridicilous. Some people say, well if you wanna end your life, then move to some other place, you have nothing to lose. Well i did it. Go to therapy man! .. Well i did that. I will not take medication, because i could as well take lsd to make me feel better. For me this is enough to justify my reasons to end it. And thats the problem. It seems like im unable to accept my life.

    Do you have any idea what can save me? ( btw i feel way worse than it looks like, wayyyyy worse )
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know it is so hard to put in words just exactly how desperate you feel way down inside. But I think you have done a pretty good job. And I'm sorry I dont have any words that will help. Just wanted to let you know someone else knows and cares :arms:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Unless you have tried the antidepressants you won't know if they work or not
    there are new ones just out that treat hard to treat depression try it you may be pleasantly surprised. Sorry you are in such deep pain Please reach out to councillor or doctor and get some help you need and you deserve. don't give up before you try.
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